Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

great start Cindy!!! You are on the road to a brave new world, an you are the star .

I will try and be more constructive in my next post - a bit busy right now.

I''m glad you can recognize these things Cindy, and are starting to do the work. It's hard though huh?

But I want you to remember two very important things - you have an equal amount of EXCELLENT traits. And secondly, that you only own your half of what went wrong in your marriage. Okay?

This is a great step, Cindy!! If you can start implementing actions to change in each area, you on the road to becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

RosaLinda,
Yes he is playing with fire while dating a 2nd girl from work, one day they will talk to each other & he will get it. It's not going to be nice.

The H did not bring this new girlfriend to the meeting but it didn't go well, my youngest was open to what he wanted to talk about and she is always a free spirit like that, my oldest left crying after 10 mins. she is very mad at him & she is more aware of how I feel as she as experienced it herself. I was bad. None of them saw him for father's day which to me is very sad. But I didn't get involved in it.

And for what went wrong in the M:

I did sit down and boy it wasn't pretty, I thought about what he had been repeating lately to me....and got me thinking and did I ever find flaws in myself....

#1: I am very possessive
I wasn't possessive all my life, it started when is father was sent to jail for child abuse, he is now a registered pedophile, so when that happened, I turned into a protective mode as a mom & wife & got to being very possessive about protecting them from EVERYTHING.....I can see now this can be suffocating, I would put them in a bubble if I could to prevent them from the world frown

#2: I am controlling
I wasn't controlling all my life either but I find that I am today, looking back he say very often in the last 7 weeks that I need to know everything & that I need to control everything about his life even now that he has left, I can see it now. I prefer everything done my way, I tell them how to think & what to say for what situation, I push them towards what I think is best for them in my opinion not in theirs.

#3: I am stubborn
I wasn't stubborn all my life either; I think once I got possessive, controlling & stubbornness got in the mix automatically. I hate backing down, I want what I want regardless of their feelings or thought, I will not stop & try different ways to end up getting what I what at the end.

Yesterday for me was a BIG light bulb moment, starting with the fly & the honey, then sitting down and really thinking about my part in this failing M.

I decided that my first baby step goal is trying to at least get back into being friends with the H, right now he wants NO contact whatsoever. I don't blame him, I have been telling him what to do, to who to talk to or not talk to & I have been making all the decisions about everything. So, by letting him, the girls....everyone around me choose & think for themselves, whatever it is & support them regardless of my opinion & being happy for them & STFU, I know by implementing this that A LOT of these 3 problems will be improving......

This is life changing for me !!! Even if this doesn't bring me my H back, I will be a better person, mother & friend.

I thank this online community for opening my eyes. It's amazing, I feel scared but I feel ready for the new me.

I have a plan in motion in my head with ready replies & facial expressions ready as well for situations that might arise along with GAL, those 2 things will be my primary focus until I see some communication changes with my H.

I feel ya with the 4" heels; we do crazy things sometimes
Don't feel embarrassed for being you. I’m short too- 5’ and shrinking.

I went out with my Kayak Friday afternoon & it was so beautiful, peaceful & I loved it, but came home to the mess my H had made with his failed meeting.

RosaLinda, Thank you for saying that
"But I want you to remember two very important things - you have an equal amount of EXCELLENT traits. And secondly, that you only own your half of what went wrong in your marriage. Okay?

Because I am always hard on myself and I blame only myself but I know that there is 2 in a M. I will try to remember that.

And yes it was hard to do, but once I re-listened to what he was repeating to me, it was sadly obvious.

URWorthy used to tell me that we need to forgive OURSELVES first. And to remember that we did the best we could with what we knew during our marriages. And now that we know better, we will try to DO better.

UR gave me some great advice on my old threads when I was spinning. I just could not "get" detaching and moving forward but she never gave up on me, and kept posting to me until I finally "got it." She lives near me in New Jersey and you shall get to meet her too when you come to New York next June!

You'd mentioned you could not find your own old posts. Do you know how to find someone's posts now?

Cindy -

I'm glad if my explanations helped at all. I sometimes wonder just how much I understand about this stuff. So I'm glad if you were able to make anything out of my ridiculous analogy.

As for your work, looks like some good mirror time. Now it's time to start thinking about how you can 180 some of these behaviors to start actually making changes.

Wishing you the best.

Good job.

I'd say that getting to friends is more than a baby step. A baby step might be that he starts initiating some contact. That means you need to avoid initiating contact. You need to work on GAL activities so that you don't come across as just sitting around waiting for him.

Also, given your controlling issue, you need to practice not asking him what he is doing. That doesn't mean not showing interest, but it will take a bit of finesse if he has felt like you are trying to control him by having him account for himself. When he does contact you, be friendly, ask him how he's doing (be very, very open ended), or tell him about something fun you did and leave an opening for him to share. He may not respond. It may take him a while to let his guard down and open up a bit. That is OK, make it no big deal. When he does share, focus on listening and reflecting back (see the validation cheat sheet). You know, if it was something bad, "wow, that sounds really tough," or if it is good, "that sounds like a lot of fun". If you don't feel you can do this with the proper authentic feeling, the cheat sheet has some good ones that don't require this.

This is really difficult for some of us. I have always tended to talk about myself and not be the best listener at times (especially resisting offering unsolicited advice and attempt to fix rather than just listen and reflect). One trick I've learned is to allow real pauses after my W is finished talking to check how I'm feeling and think about what would be a response that is responds to their feelings rather than mine. The pause shows listening and considering. Reflecting shows you heard. The other trick I've learned is that I have the most difficulty in my interactions with my W, so I practice changing my dynamics on people who are less emotionally charged.

The other suggestion in such an interaction is to cut it off while it is still positive. If you've been the pursuer (which your posts strongly suggest), you need to be the one to cut the conversation off. Leave it positive and him wanting more. In time, he will hopefully start pursuing the positive interaction more.

I'll also reiterate, that an IC would be really helpful for you at this stage, both to work through some of the issues you've recognized in yourself, have someone live to talk to about your feelings, and to start to think about how to GAL. I & others have raised the importance of GAL, and if you look back you'll see a pattern of going right back to a focus on your H and M. This is entirely understandable given how early in the process you are and the grief and desperation you feel. Your world has been rocked & the idea of GAL just seems beyond your capacity right now. Still, giving it at least a bit of attention will help you move into a place where you aren't so overwhelmed (it is counterintuitive that if you feel overwhelmed that adding something you feel beyond you might make you feel less overwhelmed, but you will be doing a lot of things that seem counterintuitive at first).

Keep up the good work & give yourself a big hug for taking a big step at a time when this is really, really difficult for anyone to do. It shows a lot of courage and gumption.

And I wanted to add to what the others have said by way of perspective. Not only do you have excellent qualities, and it is important to take stock of those as well, but you are not responsible for the M problems or its possible failure.

A lot of us LBSs start to do too much self-blaming as we start to do the kind of difficult introspection you are beginning. It is neither you nor your H's fault. It is much, much more complicated than that, and includes events and pressures outside your R. It includes patterns of behavior that both of you have had instilled in you by your parents, early interactions with peers, your culture, etc. So, while it is really healthy to do the introspection and identify things you would like to work on to make a better you and be able to have healthier Rs (be that with your H or another), don't be too hard on yourself. We all do this. All Ms have these kinds of problems and dynamics. It is not you. You are a good person trying to do the best that you can. Your H is trying to do the best that he can (nobody tries to make themselves unhappy or sets out to ruin their M). You are standing up and working at a very difficult time. Be proud. Be forgiving and gentle to yourself. We all deserve this. You deserve this!

Just great Cindy, awesome - acknowledging these things and commitment to improving them is half way there.

As RL said - remember you have a lot of +ves as well. For one - I can tell you right now that you have picked up the batton and ready to run with this already, and that is commendable.

Dont be hard on yourself. You will backslide into depression, anger etc. That is part of the process and not a failure. Don't necessarily be aiming to achieve or create Cindy2.0, just have a strategy to get there, and keep practising, walking these steps, that is enough.

I could even say to keep your head down. Happiness is not a destination. It is how you feel on the journey.

-Py