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Yeah... I succumbed again last night, because the opportunity was there, to read their text - or I should say, "sext" - messages. Had I read those exchanges a month ago, I would have been devastated. It's amazing how much perspective I've gained since then, though. Because it's ALL they text about - this, on top of spending literally every evening together surely doing the things about which they text. Oh, every now and then a little comment about how much they love each other, and how wonderful it will be to have this for the rest of their lives. But mostly, just poorly written embarrassing stuff not worthy of adult consideration.

I mean, I am embarrassed for her! We never did this sort of thing when we were in love - we took our time to build a real relationship. What she's doing now is so childish, and I hear you Fogg and Heavy, it's like talking to a cat, I know. But sweet Jesus... it's so stupid and immature to throw your entire life away for this.

Well, it's comforting in a way. The more they pursue this fantasy, the harder and faster, the worse will be the fall, right? Unless I'm wrong and they really are building a wonderfully shallow relationship to which they will cling out of stubbornness long after the afterglow shows their true colors to each other.

Off to church to pray for her! (Fake love seems like so much more fun than real love...)

I still snoop at times also but there's another reason to avoid it. At some point in the future if you two ever try to reconcile all those details you have read will only make it harder for you to do the work needed.

We don't need to see those things, it only causes us pain. Snooping/getting intel can have its uses to protect yourself financially and adjust your DB strategy, but we often use it to try and gain some understanding over the situation.

We are curious at the chaos in their mind and want to understand it. I think we all want to understand, I've done tons of leaps down the rabbit hole to try myself. I still believe it can be useful to some degree, but it wrecks your mind in the process. Its very destructive to us to read those things(even if you don't think so right now) and in the long run it does more damage than good.

Maybe so, Fogg. But what's done is done now. I'll try to refrain in the future. Ironically, I suspect from how my computer has been left upstairs that my WW has read through the Skype messages exchanged between me and my best friend through this crisis. Not that I really care - in fact, it was probably good for her to see some of what we said. But - why would she bother if she doesn't want to be with me anymore? Why did her curiosity suddenly get the better of her?

On another note, I wonder if anyone here has worked with one of Michele's coaches? I just had my last call, and it's kind of amazing how I can feel going in that things couldn't be worse, but my coach called my W an "easy target." Said the following things were reason for hope, even as my W says, "We are never getting back together again..."

- W still craves physical touch (which is her love language), so when she initiates it, as she tends to do, lean into it
- W sometimes expresses remorse for the hurt she's created
- I just got a job (and actually today had a good interview for an even better one)
- W isn't broadcasting the changed status of our relationship to many people yet
- W doesn't have an immediate plan to move in with the OW
- The new place she's moving into is sketchy and she won't want to be there long, might even feel her self-perceived "failure" more keenly
- She is not moving out until mid-August - which is a lifetime in which to effect positive change, coach says, in DB years

So... what does the group think about all this? She suggests I also find ways to ask her advice about things (regarding my new job, for instance, or help with fashion), and try to make sure that every time we part, she is left with a good impression/memory of me, rather than a negative one.

I'm not going to lie... asking her advice is going to be hard. Not recoiling from her touch is going to be hard. But the coach said every time I do that, no matter how much she insists we are done or heads off to continue the affair with the OW, I will sow conflict. She also said don't use the word "separation" regarding our pending move... use the word "space." We both need space.

And that's true. What does the group think of this counsel?

Diff,

I really like this coach and her advice. Especially this one:



This makes W feel valued and as an equal partner. Use this sparingly so it isn't obvious and saccharine.

- The new place she's moving into is sketchy and she won't want to be there long, might even feel her self-perceived "failure" more keenly

Oh yes...this will hit home for W sooner or later. Just wait and watch.

^^ Agree

Just caught up on your sitch and came away with the similar vibe your DB coach shared. There are some strings there your ww has yet to cut ... and she tugs at them to see if you are still there. I do see the benefit by filling the love buckets in these ways... no sweat off your back as you are just being the wonderful you .. the person only a fool would leave right?

And the ... if you got a job I would not have left you crack ... total BS, I realized recently that my W is similar .. do this and I will love you .. do that I will love you ... I bascially told her like you .. THAT is not love, nor is it the love I want/need. She is using that Job thing as justification .. do not for a second buy it.

Last thing .. jumped out at me .. the time in the car and you mentioned OW must be out of town eh>? and she smiled and said yes ... Don't do that ... to me that in a way is you not only acknowledging OW and the A, but had that accepting the A vibe .... if she joins you for a ride, its a chance to show her you could care less if she went or not .. but regardless I would be PMA and that OP does not deserve a blip ... they are a fly on the windshield .. hit the wipers and give them no thought as far as the WAW is concerned ... I totally get under the surface we do think about them but do not show your hand here.

Good points Cali - I shouldn't have said that, I know. It slipped. Of course that's not the worst thing that slipped this week to show my hand in terms of thinking about the OW. But after talking with my coach today and having this specific guideline in my hand, I resolve not to acknowledge her one iota from this point on.

Speaking of whom, the W went to lunch with the OW right after (I think) she saw the Skype chat. When she left, she was pretty distant. There is a little DB stuff sprinkled in our talks, but it's enough out of context that I don't think she's on to what I'm doing here.

She came back home and I told her about the second interview for the better job. She went to give me a stupid high five, and I grasped her hand for few seconds instead. She grasped mine back, mentioned how cold my hand was, and rubbed it for a second between hers.

I left the room, saw her a bit later in the kitchen. She said, out of nowhere and for reason I could discern, "You're cute." (Not sexy, mind you. But cute!)

Then she asked if we needed to go grocery shopping. Remember, she loves to do that with me. I said "yes, we need produce at least. And wine." She nodded, grabbed a snack, and left.

Not sure if she assumes "we" are going shopping, or the assumption is that one of us will do it on the other's behalf. But all in all, seemed like good DBing contact sowing just enough conflict in her mind. If I have two months to do this, who knows, right?

Having a coach has been invaluable for me too Dif. It really helped to hear him say, "I've talked to a ton of WAW's both wayward and otherwise, and they told me....xyz."

He then reframed some of my W's actions in a positive light from that perspective. I think from our perspective, anything other than "I want to come back and work on R" is a negative. I know it has been for me.

Now when I do have interactions with my W, I try to look at them from the DB perspective. That helps. Not all is what it seems. And we only have one view, and the LBS's view is not a good one.

Keep keepin on Dif!

I really need to get a coach. I really wish I could figure out how to afford it.

It's tough Matt, I'm putting it on a CC and in my own head using it as therapy. I figure that it's an investment in my M and if nothing else and investment in my own sanity.

Just to hear from someone that understands this whole ordeal from a completely separate perspective is worth the debt.

Yeah Matt and PigPen... not having a JOB, it's probably clear that I had to put this on my credit card, too! I just did the three sessions, wish I could do six. Maybe after I'm gainfully employed and get this paid off, I'll sign up for more. I do think it was worth it, no matter the outcome, because this is so very important to me. The coaches (mine was Jody) have all this experience and have seen everything... and there is nothing new under the sun.

I've had my moments where I think it's been a big waste because it feels like we aren't making progress, but progress is measured differently in this world. Like I said, to wake up thinking things couldn't be worse, to having my coach say that there is great hope and my W is an "easy target"... well, that certainly did provide a ray of hope for me, but only if I take the long view.

The hard part has been my own daily fixation, if you will, on the affair and my W's insistence that we are over, through. Even her body language today suggested an internal struggle I've not seen in a while - some of which I attribute to prayer and God working on her heart, even as she resists Him. But some of it was due to the things I'd chosen to do differently today, and to a certain confidence I exuded after a successful interview for a job that I would frankly prefer to the one I've already been offered (though I'm quite content with the one I've been offered). She is very stubborn, and of course, wildly addicted to her current behavior and the OW. This won't come quickly, if at all.

If I can just accept that I can't change her behavior through my own will, but I CAN make an impact on her behavior by my own PMA and actions that are ultimately intended for my own good (and that view her through eyes of charity), then I'm ahead of the game.

All that being said - I'd say the feedback and support on these boards have been more helpful than the coaching. Certainly provides constant support and a sense of community. The coaching just ties things together, and puts a fine point on the strategies we learn in the book and work on implementing with each other's encouragement here.

Going to meet a new acquaintance for drinks in a few... she's a life coach, and I wonder if she's going to try and reel me in as her newest client, lol.