Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Quiet. W is ill. Stubborn though. Won't accept help. Rather be in agony than say how much her kidneys are hurting.
Let her get on with it then. Go watch a movie or something. Have a beer.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Yeah, I am with you on not responding to W. If she presses for a THIRD time, then you would want to have a response ready in your back pocket.
Below text is not really good at all. I'll walk you though it and dissect it.
Originally Posted By: NDY
W
Right now i'd like to think about the here and now and not talk about the future. There is only one alternative to getting a D and that is to not get a D. You are talking about double negatives here. It's confusing.
If somewhere at the back of your mind you are having second thoughts then we should talk before this goes too far. This type of comment will just make W dig her heels even deeper on her stance. You cannot talk your way out of this type of mindset. It's useless.
If on the other hand you want to continue down this path where there are no winners, only losers then I have far too many important things going on in my life to waste any more energy on these types of conversations. Passive agressive chit. This is so patently obvious that your W will see right through this.
You need to understand human psychology...especially when it comes to the WAW. When one person stakes a fairly strong position on a certain matter, it is completely useless trying to talk them into seeing your way or seeing the error of their ways.
As you mentioned previously, any talk of MC or R blows up. What you need to do is to hit the brakes on D talk. How?
Look, your W already knows you don't want a D nor want the OM around. No need to weaken your position by repeating them to her. Instead, you would want to slow this train down.
Let's review here.
W's Email Response
Can I ask you a question though? What so you think is the alternative to separation and/or divorce? This is not meant to be a confrontational question. I am interested in understanding what you think is a workable alternative so I have a better understanding of your thoughts on this. I am hoping you will get back to me to give me more insight because it is this particular area that I feel I don’t understand your stance or the future that you envisage.
My suggestion would be along the lines of this approach (of course, you can change it to suit your style):
W,
I have given your question some more thought.
Over the past several weeks, our emotions have gotten quite high and both of us are hurting. I think it would be best for us to hit the pause button on the D and put it aside for a while. I think it is very important that we both focus on S9 and be fair & flexible when it comes to scheduling for our days/nights for the remainder of the summer.
I would appreciate your patience, understanding, and respect for this process.
Thank you for listening and trying to keep the lines of communication open.
Yeah, I am with you on not responding to W. If she presses for a THIRD time, then you would want to have a response ready in your back pocket.
Below text is not really good at all. I'll walk you though it and dissect it.
Originally Posted By: NDY
W
Right now i'd like to think about the here and now and not talk about the future. There is only one alternative to getting a D and that is to not get a D. You are talking about double negatives here. It's confusing.
If somewhere at the back of your mind you are having second thoughts then we should talk before this goes too far. This type of comment will just make W dig her heels even deeper on her stance. You cannot talk your way out of this type of mindset. It's useless.
If on the other hand you want to continue down this path where there are no winners, only losers then I have far too many important things going on in my life to waste any more energy on these types of conversations. Passive agressive chit. This is so patently obvious that your W will see right through this.
You need to understand human psychology...especially when it comes to the WAW. When one person stakes a fairly strong position on a certain matter, it is completely useless trying to talk them into seeing your way or seeing the error of their ways.
As you mentioned previously, any talk of MC or R blows up. What you need to do is to hit the brakes on D talk. How?
Look, your W already knows you don't want a D nor want the OM around. No need to weaken your position by repeating them to her. Instead, you would want to slow this train down.
Let's review here.
W's Email Response
Can I ask you a question though? What so you think is the alternative to separation and/or divorce? This is not meant to be a confrontational question. I am interested in understanding what you think is a workable alternative so I have a better understanding of your thoughts on this. I am hoping you will get back to me to give me more insight because it is this particular area that I feel I don’t understand your stance or the future that you envisage.
My suggestion would be along the lines of this approach (of course, you can change it to suit your style):
W,
I have given your question some more thought.
Over the past several weeks, our emotions have gotten quite high and both of us are hurting. I think it would be best for us to hit the pause button on the D and put it aside for a while. I think it is very important that we both focus on S9 and be fair & flexible when it comes to scheduling for our days/nights for the remainder of the summer.
I would appreciate your patience, understanding, and respect for this process.
Thank you for listening and trying to keep the lines of communication open.
NDY
Hmmm. Interesting. Ok so I need to re word it but I like where you are heading with this. You are of course right. If I sent my draft she will dig in even deeper. Glad I delayed a bit so yea. I'll work that one to suit my style.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Wonka, that post help me out. I have been having a hard time just letting my W do her thing. I really just want to ask to put things on hold and let's let the dust settle, but like you said she will just dig her heels in even deeper.
I'm still amazed she is filed for D only 4 months after I found out about A.
NDY, good luck on this follow up convo with W. I'm not the perfect example but it sounds like patience is the key.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
Wonka, that post help me out. I have been having a hard time just letting my W do her thing. I really just want to ask to put things on hold and let's let the dust settle, but like you said she will just dig her heels in even deeper.
I'm still amazed she is filed for D only 4 months after I found out about A.
NDY, good luck on this follow up convo with W. I'm not the perfect example but it sounds like patience is the key.
Thanks Kem
The important thing was getting a schedule agreed for S9. That's done now so I'm in no hurry to do anything just yet.
She sent a couple of txt messages yesterday. One so that S9 could phone me and another of a pic of S9. I also noticed in the email exchanges her tone changing slightly. Bit less severe. Anyway no expectations.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I also noticed in the email exchanges her tone changing slightly. Bit less severe. Anyway no expectations.
This happens from time to time with my W and I have to consciously remind myself to have no expectations. She was calling me "babe" and really engaging in convo with me 2 days before she decided to finally file for D
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
Wonka - reading your posts almost always flips my mind from having given up, and getting used to it TO having hope again. Even better, now that I am "detached", this doesn't send me spiralling into the abyss but softens my heart further towards genuine forgiveness and love.
Sorry NDY - bigger post to Wonka than you
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
