Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Sit and Spin II

Heavy ... you are getting closer than you know to the place you truly want to be.

That negativity does come from within ... its wrapped around fear. We are afraid of whats to come, the unknown .. we thought we had this all figured out .. married with kids going day to day not realizing our house that we built on the mountain was in fact a volcano. DB ... eruption and its all we can do to steer clear of the lava ... foolishly thinking we can fix this and repair the old M.

You have the capacity to let go of the negative .. trust me. You will not meet a man who was more angry and frustrated with the hand that was dealt him than I. Fortunately I started dealing wht that stuff first .. long before I came here .. otherwise I can not imagine the people I would have pi$$ed off.

There comes a point ... at least for me ... when I looked at my W and seen how empty her eyes were, I realized she was in trouble, I loved her ... realized I always will ... but she was poisonous so I had to love her from afar ... if that meant she was happy with Om .. fine .. sure stung like heck but nothing I could do about it anyways .. I allowed the A and OM to much space in my head ... so I let her and them go. After I did that a strange thing happened .. all that energy I wasted on mental spears and tomahawks towards them .. that energy focused inward and on things I needed to change. Mirror Work ... and TONS of it. I worked on a better me, not to win her back .. she was gone .. but for me, for my kid ... if anyone deserved an awesome person it was my son .. he had NO role in this .. but I did .. even if only slightly and I felt none of it was my fault ... did not matter ... He deserved better and even if that meant one normal strong parent by God he was going to get it.
During that period it became evident .. was not all the W's MLC .. I played a significant part in the demise of my M, realized things I should have done, things I would never allow to repeat ... I was to much of a nice guy, Passive Aggressive, angry, frustrated ... all sorts of things I had to change for myself and for any relationship I might have ... knowing I was not ready for that with anyone .. even W if she wanted it.


This is a cruddy way to find yourself and change these things ... but for me .. I would not have made these changes any other way .. with that comes peace knowing God made this all happen, it was his will .. I am grateful He loved me enough and cared enough about me to put me through this.

Wow

I wish I could say mine was more spontaneous. Actually we had discussed her giving me the money, had agreed on the amount but she normally just leaves a check at the front desk, so she doesn't have to see me I guess.

This time however, she walked over to my office and then spun around. Exorcist maybe? Not sure, well maybe not that fast. Anyway, I saw her for 5 seconds.

We are no whee near any kind of hugs or sweet name calling. It's still ANGRY and BITTER on both sides.

So much to process - the anger, the guilt, the sadness, the hopefulness, the meaning of family, the betrayal, forgiveness, all swirled into a blender.

I have so much work to do for me. This weekend I will ride my bike, go to the bookstores, libraries, try a meet up group and get some much needed sleep. Church of course on Sunday.

CaliGuy

Your posts are always so spot on. You almost always bring a tear to me eyes.

Yes, I get it, we are all such flawed creatures, so much bagage, so much hurt inside all of us. The only thing we can do is let go of the fear and anger and just let it go. I am not saying that I will stand there and let myself get kicked in the gut but I can love her from afar.

We have 2 kids together who deserve the best, they are completely innocent in all of this mess.

Yes, I am complict in all of this too, I have acknowledged that many times and made situations worse. I know that and again have said so many many times and I guess I will continue to say them until the hurt is gone. Forgiveness is given although it has not been asked.

I have been forgiven of worse and am grateful to God because of it. I realized that I wanted her to ask for forgiveness to make her feel the pain that I feel. That is not what forgiveness is really about now is it. I guess another word for it is grace. Grace grants forgiveness to all without asking or wanting. It just is.

Regardless of what happens in our R, I will try to remember grace and compassion and work towards moving to the light, the light of happiness, forgiveness, acceptance, love and peace.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Heavy ... yeah that forgiveness thing, one of my threads there was an amazing exchange dealing with forgiveness and just as you hit on ... Do we need the other person to ask for it ... or can we truly forgive them without this request of us.

MLCrs during crisis are not at a stage where they are even equipped to ask ... heck .. I would wager its us who needs to ask them for forgiveness because we do not accept the OP ...lol. I have talked about this topic here, and with some close to me and I am still searching for my own answer ... Do I need W to ask for forgiveness or can I truly and honestly fully forgive her without this.

Not sure if anyone watches Games of Thrones ... season finale one of the characters 'Cersei' must atone for her sins (You tube "game of thrones cersei walk of shame") ... they strip her down naked, and she must walk through the crowd (Mind you she was previously the Queen of this kingdom) ... hair chopped off, naked, with a nun waling behind her ringing a bell shouting "SHAME" every third step ... crowds form, rotten food is tossed at her, people spitting on her ... by the time she reaches the main castle and the gates open, her walk is over she breaks down in tear (Holding it together the entire walk) ... as despicable a character as she was ... It was hard for me not to compare her to my MLC'r .... and I would NEVER want my W put through that kind of hell ... even though there was a time ... I wanted her on her hands and knees begging for my mercy after the pain she inflicted.

I have accepted the fact .. pride, MLC, stubbornness will most likely not allow my W to ask for forgiveness, nor is it required for me to let it go and forgive ... not for her .. but for me to move on from the pain. It has taken a long time for me to get there, its been a long time since she has gone monster ... but for me to hang on to that was not hurting her at all ... only me .. so I decided to unpack that weight and not take it on the rest of my journey ... wasted energy if I did.

Detachment personified.

Adorable

V

Saw the W today at work. She did not see me and I held back so I would not run into her. No I am not hiding from her, it's hard enough as it as but throw work into the middle - no thanks.

Anyway, she headed into the coffee shop alone, with her new short hair and extra poundage packing her mid section. It is so weird seeing her so heavy. She looked just so alone. I don't know if she looked alone or if I projected onto her how I felt. i recognize it could be either or.

I really wanted to walk in and give her a "Hey" like we used to but I just kept walking. She never did see me.

So now I am sick, have laryngytis and will most likely spend the weekend sick. Nice. When MIL was in town last week, she always gets sick, gave it to the kids, who gave it to me. At least that is the story I am telling myself. I realize I tell myself a lot of stories - maybe some are true but probably most are not. Lol.

I hope everyone has a most excellent weekend.

Love to all - HEAVYD

So my kids send me a misdirected text apparently fro my w to a friend telling her how happy she is with op. Nice. It had a photo of my kids so I was a little confused. Like an idiot I called - w answered and I said Do you have a minute? I don't understand that text - was that to someone else? She screams " I don't send you any texts it must have been the kids!!!!!!" She texts me all the time.

I say - oh ok then - just didn't understand it.

W - is there anything else you want because I am going to hang up the phone now!!!!

Me - no - bye

I wanted so badly to say why are you so angry? But I didn't - I acted like I didn't notice her hostility. Jeez.

Now is the time for not letting this ruin my weekend - detachment 101.

Chitty text and the spew. Boy on boy!

The exact wording of the text was

Friend - "Glad to hear about you two.
W - Yes, I wanted you to know, She is very special.

After deliberating on this. I made some tacticle errors:

1. Calling her after receiving the text (with photo of kids)

Why did I do that? Hmmm....Anger and fear, my two most loyal friends these days. It did nothing to clear anything up, it was obviously a misdirected text to a friend announcing her new romance. The friend was someone who she HATED and yet she felt like she "had to tell her". This friend worked with both my W and OW. Reading it made me feel ambushed and sick to my stomach. It was like I was tricked into reading it becuase there was a photo of my kids so of course I read it and as soon as I did - bushwacked .....AGAIN. Lesson learned..... I will not call her again and get sucked back into the drama.

#2. Letting it upset me the way it has. I will not let it ruin my weekend. I will delete the text and that will be that. I will not give it any more head space.

#3. Letting her yell at me "I DONT' SEND YOU ANY TEXTS" which is a non sensical statement, she texts me and I text her all the time.

#4. I think I ended it gracefully as I could, with a breezy "OK then, bye and just hung up the phone. I didn't argue or get angry, just said bye and hung up.

Godang that made me feel small and bad and ambushed all over again.

I am guessing that for the rest of my life I will feel anger and hostility at her. I am sorry to admit it because those are two of the basest feelings - animals feel those and I would like to think I am a little but above animals but that is reality.

Over and over and over again I get my nose rubbed into this chit and each time it hurts. Does it hurt any less, I don't know but it always hurts. I am able to function now, get out of bed, go to work cook supper etc... so in that respect I am better. But bitter .... yes. Still very bitter.

At this moment, if I could sign the papers to divorce her I would do it. I just don't have the papers in front of me.

So now my S9 just called me, asked me what I was doing, told him I was going to the movies, he said what movie, I told him and my W overheard and said "Oh yes, Mommy will like that movie." Personality transplant apparently had taken place.

D E T A C H D E T A C H D E T A C H D E T A C H

Why is this upsetting me so much!!!!!!

I'm guessing you feel like she threw her happiness in your face somehow. I would be angry also. Its probably not even that she sent it to but that shes trying to prove to everyone she is. This entire process causes us to maintain control of our emotions and ourselves while doing whats right for our M, while they are off prancing in fairy tale land ignoring the huge piles of [censored] scattered on the landscape. Many of their own doing.

There are days I just want to let my emotions control me for once also and tell her off, but what would that really accomplish. We keep trucking forward through this shitstorm to a brighter future.