Hi. No. We haven't agreed tha yet. That's part of the problem. She upped and left without sorting this stuff out and now, so far at least he's hardly here.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
What are your working hours? What is W's work schedule?
These are the questions that you need to be mindful when discussing S9's schedule with W. Plus summer session merits special consideration as there's no school.
Hi GB. That's exactly correct. She is trying to call the shots and doesn't have the right too. So yea. I want that time. Work will be difficult. Flexible as they are the only time I get days off is to take annual leave which I've arranged for August but the general gist of what you are saying is good. She won't argue with 50/50 but she believes she gets to call the shots. My L heard all of this today.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I work 9 till 5:30 but because of transport etc I don't get home until around 6:30.'child care finishes at 6. MIL looks after him 2 evenings a week to cut costs. W works 9 to 5 most days and usually drives to work so can get back on time to pick him up. August arrangements are already in place for the school holidays.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
She may be wondering if you are suggesting some 3 party relationship, where you don't divorce, you don't separate, OM moves in and the three of you live together raising S9.
She knows I don't mean this. Funny but no.
I still think she's confused about the meaning and wondering if you are proposing an alternative where she keeps her affair, avoid the cost of divorce (losing the house she loves and 50% of her custody of the kid) while somehow staying married and maybe even living together. Not really a swinging relationship but rather one where you two stay married, remain friends and co-parents and eventually BOTH date whomever you want.
She may or may not want be actually interested in that proposal as much as she's just interested in trying to figure out what your convoluted email meant.
You weren't really being detached, calm and direct at the beginning. That was more a angry, hurt, desperate direct.
She is an addict. She'll be nice to you if you do or say anything that will enable her affair which is her single biggest concern right now. Suggestion mediation when you have no desire to actually "mediate" anything (just a delay tactic) isn't going to be that productive. At least with a lawsuit/divorce filing you can say "I don't talk divorce" and "it's my attorney's fault, I told him to be nice and accommodating, I'll have to yell at him". You telling her you want to mediate and then refusing to discuss or negotiate anything is kind of pointless passive aggressive manipulation.
State what you want. Be calm and direct. Tell her what she is doing is wrong, hurtful and devastating to you and your son, you still have some remaining hope for her and she still has SOME time to end her affair and return to the marriage. If SHE feels guilt or shame, that's good. People that do hurtful wrong things SHOULD be ashamed of such behavior. I was actually encouraged to read that talking that way upsets your wife because it's an indication she MAY still have a conscious. Consider that our prisons are full of people that have no shame and you'll see shame is not something everyone is capable of. If she is incapable of feeling guilt or shame, than you probably don't need to be married to her anyway.
To be clear...you are NOT "shaming" her. You are merely stating facts. IF she feels shame, that's on her and due to HER shameful behavior. It is not shaming someone to discuss their shameful behavior. The BEHAVIOR is shameful...not the conversation. I'm also not saying call her names or condemn her sinful behavior, rather, you are approaching her out of love, trying to save her from destroying herself and TRYING to hold her accountable for her behavior and give her directions to the way "home".
Sure feeling guilty and ashamed will likely lead to her upset and maybe she won't speak to you for awhile. That's fine. Her choice. She can cry and feign upset all she wants to OM; but, you don't have to console her or waste your valuable GAL time trying to find ways to talk AROUND the truth just so you don't upset her and she keeps talking to you (while dating OM every day).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
A word about your L for a moment before we move on to the kiddo's schedule.
If I were you, I'd tell L the facts of your situation:
-W is having an active A with the OM -W stormed out of the house ;ast week when you put your foot down on the no OM boundary -You do not want a D and want to keep the family intact -Ask him/her to drag out the D for as long as possible -Your communications with the L are privileged and are not to be shared with anyone -This is what we call attorney-client privileged communciations
When talking with W about S9, you would want to focus on common goals by using "we, our, us." Language is powerful if used appropriately.
W,
Thank you for reaching out. It is very clear that we both love our S9 and we each want some individual time with our son. I'd like to think that we can come up with a workable schedule that meets everyone's needs.
Here are some ideas here and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as well. How about the following schedule for next week:
Tues, Wed, Thurs nights with me and then Friday to Sunday with you. (NDY, you can change this part as I am not in your shoes)
When S9 has his time with you, I'll be sure to have his clothes and other items packed ready for your house. Then when it's my turn, then you'll do the same with his clothes and items.
Hi wonka. That works although I'll need to change it up a bit. The L already knows everything you said. I explained it in more detail today. Thankfully he quite pro M and understands my position. He's of the opinion this should be his base camp and W won't get to dictate the terms. She shot herself in the foot by removing him from the house. There were quite a few horror stories he told me today.
I'd be interested in your views on the other matter. GB makes some excellent points and I always appreciate your input. I think the answer lies somewhere inbetween.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I think it's best to set aside that "other matter" for a while. It is not URGENT. Beside that, it is bad idea to mix two separate things in one email: S9 schedule and that question.
For now, focus on the S9 schedule. This is where your focus should be on right now as he needs access and time with both parents.
