Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post. Desperate for advice.

Me: 39
Her: 38
2 Daughters: 3 & 10

Our marriage has been rocky for years. Many ups and downs. Many "close calls" where I felt like things might be at an end. We always came back.

Lately though, things were in a nearly permanent rut. We had virtually no intimacy (no kissing, closeness, couple time, and NO sex). I had virtually given up pursuing her. We were roommates. She said things, she complained, I heard, but had no more tools left in my toolbox. Also, I was suffering from "what's the point?"

Maybe you need a new toolbox!

I most certainly do. That is why I am here.

As cadet said, you need new tools. That's why you're here!

So get specific. Why did things almost end earlier? What caused them? What behaviors in YOU led to them? What did she complain about?

I think you listed the two "points" about staying married. But if you read DR, there is a lot of compelling data about divorce and divorced people. If you didn't want to stay married, you wouldn't have done all the things in your original post and you wouldn't be here.

I don't want divorce. She doesn't either. We both were using it like a big stick to beat each other with. Sort of a nuclear option to get the other partner to snap out of it and LISTEN.

Here are some things that I have done to contribute to our decline:

1. I have a habit of not asserting myself when I think it will cause conflict. I will concede the point and then resent her for it.

2. I have not made quality time with her a priority.

3. I stopped pursuing my wife as a woman. We became more business partners engaged in running the household.

4. I did not take care of my personal health and appearance. Would not try to always look my best for her. Skipping showers & shaving, etc. Let myself develop the mid-life belly. Ate poorly.

5. I did not listen well. She complained of speaking to me and me not reacting. Or we would talk and I would not retain the information. She said it would make her feel unloved.

6. I have a habit of taking small pieces of information out of context and fabricating a worst case scenario in my mind. I seek to "Know" what is unknowable about the actions of others by digging around and assembling pieces of information into a scenario that is possible, but wholly unverifiable. I have just begun therapy and will be working to remove this as a component of who i am.


Aside from my physical appearance, which my wife has never complained about- these issues, whether together or separately, have been present in every close call throughout our marriage. They remained unresolved and so we have not moved forward. Now, she has sought to have her needs met elsewhere. I take small comfort that she chose a virtual solution rather than falling in love with someone else.

Ok...now you're starting to get somewhere....
In thinking of these behaviors, what are you going to DO to 180 them?

Last

Reading your sitch briefly ... its apparent to me your WW has lost respect for you. She feels at this moment she can do as she wants and it will not cost her the M, you even accepted the 'chatting' ... but went passive aggressive afterward, you did this to avoid conflict but its eating you up inside ... am I close?

You my friend .. like me .. Fixer/Conflict avoider. Good news is you came to the right spot, read the books, both of them ... forget your W for the time being, you can not control her, nor can you stop her ... she is making choices and is at this point better at this game than you are.
Read up on the homework Cadet gave you ... its overwhelming at first but you need to start on just the basics. DETACH ... GAL, start with those 2 and then work on the 180's. You need to get to a place where your W is afraid of losing you ... currently I don't think she is.

1. I have begun to state what I want. This is a constant battle against myself. I still struggle with it.

2. This one is tough. Do I 180? That means more time together. or detach? Advice on navigating this would be helpful.

3. A 180 here violates another rule. She does not want to be pursued right now. Or does she?

4. I have started working out, and I will improve my diet (when I can eat again).

5. This will be key. I really want to do well here, but despite attempts in the past still fail regularly. I am not sure what a 180 looks like because I have tried hard at this and still failed.

6. Therapy for this. This trait effects me throughout my life, not just in my marriage. I cause myself untold worry & stress planning for worst case contingencies that never come to pass. I need to be more in the moment, and focus on what I can control.

Linked to Cali's excellent post above - have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?? Many posters recommend it.

I did it because A) I thought I could handle it & B)My wife was a new person and our marriage felt like a loving sex filled dreamworld. I did not want that to end. But, when I began to obsess on the "what ifs" related to her online relationships, the possible outcomes tore at me 24-7.