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I laughed too, Ur, but my dirty mind didn't laugh for the same reason Been one of those days I guess.

Mr Bond, I agree. I didn't think I would that you need to know what's going on enough to protect yourself. I think the general advice to not snoop is more about detaching but one does need to know what's going on if only to protect from the batchit crazy mindset of a MLCr.

Cali, Toots hit the nail on the head I think. So did Ur (doesn't she always?) I would be feeling some of those tender parts being exposed at this point too, if I were you. I mentioned it before, but I see this like a bell curve for the MLCr. As you ride that curve up and then down, I would guess the same feelings would be present to some degree. Or at least they are if you haven't fully dealt with them and put them to rest for good.

I doubt what you're feeling is uncommon in this type of situation, Cali. This is the point when you test whether or not you put those feelings to rest. And some new feelings come up as well that you may not have expected.

It would be strange if you didn't have some of those feelings around the betrayal and such.

It may be a good time to talk to Father D about those feelings, or somebody like him. Somebody who can help you sort and sift through them methodically so the hurt little boy can go get some rest

Peace,
AJ

Oh geez, AJ...I am usually quicker than that, but, that one slipped by me. My bad. LOL!

uR

Reading your post I must have looked like one of those baseball bobbing head dolls .. yup .. yup .. and yup. And you are right, I do look at her moods, its not that she gets me to spin up nor down on every sneeze, I monitor where she is and bring it here ... and yeah I have long since realized she is going to do what she is gonna do, and as you touched .... the jury is not yet decided on if W2.0 is compatible with Cali2.0 I have been sifting through those thoughts the past few weeks returning more towards my 2.0 mindset and mentally preparing a list of my NEEDS over my WANTS.

Your post ... line by line .. spot on.

As always ... the honest part ... my hang up with the A and the OM; W and I struggled in the sex dept, after the miscarriage and S's birth it was non-exisitant. I recall marking a calendar the last time we had sex just as a science project type thing.... Mar 2011, ironically it was Mar 2014 when she called me to tell me about the STD. 3 years ... she had left in Nov and in 3 months had sex with OM, so that's issue #1, #2 was during Monster .. I was fortunate enough for her to share how wonderful OM was in bed, how horrible I was, just all those nasty things they spew (I will spare you all the wonderful visual details she shared during this time)... the snooping I should not have done exposed things I had buried but now ... as we have discussed ... that scab is being yanked off and now I have to deal with it .... it should not be a competition but in a way it is .. and I can not compete in that area. I have realized I am a much better man than OM could ever be, no way he can come close there, he is simply a POS who went after a married woman at her weakest point ... and W ate up what he was serving .. this is not to say W is off the hook ... but I understand the A and how it came to be ... what I do not understand and am trying to cope with (Even considering the MLC coo-coo cray-cray) was the cruelty that followed, things said (Once said it can not be taken back kind of stuff) .... these things I am currently cycling through and dealing with .. its a slow .. painful process but like everything ... if I do not deal with them in time they will just come back to bite my ripe a$$.

So my walks as of late have been focused on ME, because I can not do anything about all ^^^^ noise. Who I have become has been pretty amazing, I like how I feel and its not that W has much effect on what I do, how I feel ... more about that nervousness of .. ok .. IF we work this out .. I WILL NOT go back to that person I was, nor will I ever allow her to cut me down as she did over the years... there is a serious sense of "I am really ok with who I am ... if you do not like it nor can accept it .. Door #1 is right over there feel free to let yourself out". (Read a blip about the cage door always being open for the MLCr and I really feel that way at the moment) I have firm boundaries in place that at first I felt were there to stop her behavior ... now I have realized I should have had them all this time, out of respect I should have always had for myself. (This was a childhood issue for me... one I have figured out and worked through with all this)

Bond ... I actually agree and have always respected your take.

I think what I meant .. and in the cases of my snooping .. it was never to protect assets ... that snooping never caused the level of pain that my snooping did... nor the areas I snooped.

I found some things on FB when she left her account open ... nothing there would have been beneficial to me, and I would snoop at times things were going better, like I had to sabotage the progress I made during my really good DB phases ... this would set me back .. and also take away from any detachment and progress I made and get me spinning to a point I had to reset and basically start over.

AJ .. yeah .. thats pretty much where I am, not as bad this week as it was last week.

Funny you brought up Father D .. in this case G ... as I am going in today to talk with them. I am not so sure they can help me in this specific situation .... nor if I can really spill all beans. There is a big part of me that is thinking this is my cross to bear and I have been working through it the past few weeks ... understanding that these feelings and emotions are going to rise up and I will have to deal with them as they come, putting them in a box worked for the time being when I needed to just clear my desk and focus on the more important things ... now its time to unpack and get my office organized .... I just have to keep perspective and look at the beauty this journey really was and how it transformed me into who I am now ... much better than who I was regardless of how it came to be.

Tiny update

Yesterday W had S all day ... and as it was a Tuesday it was also her night with him. She had invited me for dinner but I really wanted to get some things around my place done, do some laundry, iron .. tidy up as I had S the past 3 nights.

W was not feelings well, by the time I got off work I get a text that she needed me, please help, she had set up an appt with her Dr and wants me to drive her. Ugh ... so I told her I would be there soon, I ran some errands I had to get done, picked her up and drove her to the Dr, she looked like ... well .. bad. Dr office for about an hour as S and I sat and read, he and I talked a bit about what they did that day ... just hanging with my boy .. no matter where we are we enjoy each other.

W finally comes out ... looks a bit better, I drive her home. She tells me its stress ... no doubt in my mind it is, and she has always struggled in this area. So on the drive home W is pretty quiet, out of nowhere she grabs my hand and says "I feel like I have been in a fog" .... I kept my eyes front and did not break the poker face, just simply asked "What do you mean" She told me it was really hard to describe .. just that she feels like that ... I asked "how long have you felt this way .. all day?" ... she replied .. "no no ... for a long time" I let it go but kind of smirked at how 'to script' this all seem. I get her home and she insists I stay to eat, so I eat and get up to go she hugs me and tells me she is afraid to get close to me because when she gets sick she is scared to frustrate me (Old M baggage) I asked her if she felt that way today, she replied no and it was nice. Then she told me she wants me and the dog back, but she also wants her space, asks if I know what she means .. then she apologized for being a mess.

I pretty much drank the STFU smoothie and heard her out. I get the space thing, she is still figuring out who she is but wants to make sure I stay put ... "push pull price check on ailse 3". I realized after the Old Cali would have had a remark to the "need space" comment ... but honestly it did not phase me.

Today is our anniversary (I think .. pretty sure its the 17th but I am usually off a day)... not a peep from W regardless and I am not going to really acknowledge it as I feel its not something to celebrate at this time ... thinking about it ... it should be like a baseball stat with an asterisk ... "Happy *15th" (*We are only going to count 13 of these under the MLC steroids that were being taken)

Ok, Luke, first of all...find out when you freakin got married. Sheesh. LOL!

So, I can feel..all the way over here..you struggling with whether you want to do this. Here's the thing..you dont have to decide today. All you have to do today is be your best Cali. That's it. Nothing else.

You have nothing to lose by continuing to walk this except if you allow it to change you. And Im thinking you worked really hard to get to where you are, so, you dont want to do that.

You seem frustated at times with her needs. If you really dont want to go with her some place or be with her, it is ok to tell her that you cant. I know you want to be different than you were, but, you matter, too, yea?

Luke, she is working through some deep stuff. She needs the space even though it doesnt seem like it.

You need to get back to your path or I am going to buy a plane ticket and then you are really in trouble. LOL~!

uR

I know right? Thing is ... my 'cheat sheet' was a big collection of photos that had the invite mounted in the center .. not sure where she packed that up ... lol.

Yeah thats where I am and I have just been going on as you said .. no decision is happening today I have been continuing as such ... her temp checks and tracking beam have increased, almost like a child at a park, they are exploring but constantly check to see where her parents are. I have been better as of late not getting sucked in which she views as me being 'distant'

Her needs and my frustration: its more out of being burnt over the past few years in all this. One of my 180's was to be there for her, to show that I could be there for her to lean on as in years past I was just there in body ... not emotionally. Dangerous slope as you can imagine with the push and pull ... so I found a comfy medium in a sense but after she felt better she would fly ... leaving me feeling used ... thats where the frustration came from .... now I have just taken the "No Expectation" theme ... no different than driving a neighbor to the Dr office as I did last night ... again, she feels me being distant.

I know she needs space, and honestly its welcomed as I need it to to keep mu head clear and mind right ... feet on MY path.

By all means ... grab that ticket, I'll meet you for drinks and post all up in here about the new OW I met at the bar who had furry 2x4's ... bwahahaha

Cali,

Your W's comments about being in a fog for so long struck a chord with me....I can relate with it only too well. My heart goes out to her for it was a really bad place for me as well. Phew so glad I was able to get to the other side.

It was pretty surreal ... like she just woke up from a dream as she was sitting in the car staring blankly into space. When we got home she wanted to shower, I told her I was going to walk the dog ... S asked W if he could go with me .... so we went on our walk and S told me he wanted to go because he wanted to talk to me ... 8 years old, he is growing WAY to fast for my liking .. but I said .. ok what do you want to talk about and he asked about that "Fog" statement that W had said. I have been pretty open with him about things, not sharing all mind you but he sees it ... this just confirmed to me I am his rock and he feels comfortable discussing things like this, we talked about it some but more towards how I want him to continue to open up and feel free to talk about anything with me .... the bond we have formed has been pretty darn cool.


I just got back from church, discussed my Faith Story with the parish assistant and the Priest, they do not want me to change a thing, and its all set to go down The 28th ... Gulp.... I was also asked if I would be interested in helping form an all mens Bible Study at the parish ... I told them I was open to giving back in any way, what ever they need from me just ask.

Rode the bike back to work, days like this .. when I am centered, feeling good, blessed ... the color of the sky is brighter, the colors of the trees are like in HD .. just an amazing feeling and an amazing day ... I am truly blessed.