Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ripken - WW filed for Divorce and I moved Out #5

Thanks for the support guys, it's hitting me harder than I thought. Didn't help that that's about all I dreamt about was ww. To Sandi, Wonka, anyone: how do you stay as the lighthouse when her actions (and words) show she is done. Am I mind reading too much?

Doesn't seem like it - filed for divorce and moving forward, chooses to have 3rd parties (lawyers, real estate agents) tell me things because "it's easier", still in relationship with om and he posts "love you babe" on her FB, she pushes to sell the house and have on the market, she is pushing to tell the kids I'm not moving back and divorce is immanent and wants to do so today.

What am I missing? Do I finally accept it's over and begin the process of moving past her?

Yes.

What you're missing is that you can't control WAS, she may never come back, if she does someday it will likely be years not months. We use the word detachment, but yes, what's actually going on is the grieving process for the loss of your M. It is gone. This doesn't mean you suddenly burn bridges or try to control the future. Really you shouldn't do anything differently. But definitely time to let go further and further.

Oh- my WAS spewed as much venom as anyone. Now she's calm, polite, professional, and casual. Has been for a few months. I'm fine with that because it's best for the kids. But I want to point out that just because they're in a 'fog' doesn't mean they'll want to R when they come out of it.

Moment of silence, then shift the focus back to you.

Zues - I have already begun the grieving process of the M being gone and that we will never go back to that.

Where I think I may be at, is if I simply move on from any relationship other than parents with her. I feel like I'm the only one fighting and really, I am.

But, what am I fighting for? Friendship? I've already told her I can't be her friend while she continues this relationship and she's made her choice.

I don't know why I feel so confused and lost now.

I believe that I am going to be the lighthouse for my W and my marriage as long as I want to be. I don't think anyone on here but you can judge when you decide that it is the time to "move on". At any time, any of us can decide that we're done standing and fighting.

But either way, the path is the same for you. I've seen Zues ask many others what "giving up" means to you. So, if you choose to "stop fighting", what does that look like? What will be different?

Good question, Matt. For me, I believe it means having no contact, not interacting with her at all, living my life and eventually (when I feel I'm ready) allow myself to possibly date or meet others who could appreciate me.

Right now, the more I think about it, I will and do miss her and feel that by taking this approach, I'm hurting myself. However, if I don't, I wonder if I'm really just a sucker and setting myself up to be her doormat for the rest of my life.

So, I feel my choices are either let animosity grow due to lack of contact and potentially just resent each other OR lose any respect I've built and forever be a doormat.

I don't like either of these.

I think this


Only leads to this



If you have expectations on your W.

Aren't you already basically doing the top quote? So I'm having trouble seeing what would be different.

Matt,

Of course you are right. The only thing I can think of being different is that I'm realizing I had expectations built up. I had thought this would effect her, that she would miss me, that her affair would end. Maybe not miss the R, but miss me in her life. None of that has happened and it's hitting me (again) that it may never. I just miss her so much and these things are hitting me.

It doesn't help that she is pushing us to tell the kids together that this is final - I'm never moving back and we are for sure divorcing.

When I slip back into this place, I feel lost and like I'm in the deep end of the pool and can't keep my head above water, I'm flailing.

I think most WAS are very hurtful at some point. Mine was fine with NC and virtually non existent for quite awhile. That's why detachment is so important and I know you're probably sick of hearing it. I asked so many of the same questions about it being clear he was done.

Unfortunately none of us know the answer but we can tell you that with time it will get better. You will make new habits and build a life without your W. I found that as time passed things became easier because my boys and I started doing new things and there weren't as many triggers of H every time we went somewhere.

I do have to say GAL is probably what saved me the most and really helped me detach. It showed me life didn't end with H being gone. It took awhile to get there but you will too

It's not so much the GAL activities. I keep myself busy - it's AFTER those are done and I'm by myself OR it's when ww texts me (because we don't talk on the phone or meet in person). I have days that are better than most and over the last couple weeks, it's been going well.

However, as I've been feeling better and more confident, the distance has grown further and further and she seems to be getting more resentful and ok with no contact with me. I guess I had expectations that as I was improving, she would take notice or miss me in any facet. Doesn't seem to be the case at all.

To use your analogy of how you feel right now...when you ARE in a pool over your head...what is the best option for you...Stop Flailing. pop to the surface, lean back, relax, tread water, breath easy and know that once you collect yourself you will be able to make it back to the wall and survive.

It may come time that Maybe you may need some help, flailing will not allow anyone to help you without you getting hurt.

OK analogy may be stretched too far I guess. I want you to know that your focus and calmness is what is going to get you through this. You may have had expectations for all of the work you've been putting in, who doesn't. This was never going to be a quick turn around...especially with W mixed up with an affair. I think deep down you know this. We really, really need to accept the reality as it is right now, before we can start to move forward.

There is no way to know what will happen down the road. All we can do is put some faith in ourselves and do the work. We will have the opportunity to start to awaken from our marital slumber and really become a terrific guy...which I can already see from your posts that you are on your way to becoming. She may NOT WANT to see these changes right now, but be damned certain they know (guilt, need for space, confusion, whatever). They absolutely know through lots of different sources and interactions how different / improved you will and have become.

Rip, I hope for your health, I hope for your happiness, I pray for your children too. You ARE going to get through this crisis.