Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post. Desperate for advice.

My goodness. The pace that the threads come in. So much pain. I feel for you all.

I have noted that there is a lot of focus on WS being willing to end things and have NC. I get that. So you keep DBing until the WS is ready to end and come back. THEN you expect NC.

In my situation there is no 1 OM. There is the internet. There are probably 4 or 5 chat buddies. She is addicted to the "high" of what is new and exciting. Also addicted to the need for affirmation that was not being fulfilled by our dysfunctional marriage.

How do I approach this when the OP is a more of a thing than a he??

There is a chapter on internet infidelity in DR I seem to recall. That may be worth a read..

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I'm totally confused by this. The key things you need to be working on are detachment, GAL, and then the 180s you started discussing above.

I'm not sure why you are focusing on the no contact. You are still living together, right? So there's going to be SOME contact. If you read Sandi's rules, none say "ignore your wife and don't talk to her." The point is to avoid pursuing. Just having NC is NOT DBing.

Last

Sorry you are here.

Online A's are basically EA's ... and its a drug your W is high on at the moment. Does not matter if she is with 1 or 4 as you have suggested as all these men are suppling her with her fix, and at the moment she is not going to be willing to give this up since ... currently there are no consequences in doing so.

You have to DB just to get your head right, to start rebuilding you ... let her do her Online thing for now, you can not control it regardless right? When you start the basics on DBing you will begin to figure out how to put boundaries up and stick to them

As far as NC ... in your case .. I would not even think about that ... what will need to happen .. and trust me its tough, she will have to get off that grid, its a drug/community that she has become intertwined with, all wrapped up in it and oblivious to the pain and hurt she is causing people in her REAL life. Online she is as fun and cool as she wants to be ... in RL .. not so much .. its a tough drug to get off of.

Put the focus on you for now, get to a place where you act from strength not emotion, you will start seeing the benefits once you arrive there.

When I say NC I mean between WS and internet chat buddies. Not between myself and WS. I am in frequent contact with WS. We have 2 kids and sleep in the same bed. and have to fight myself to detach.

Ok. Got it.

Either way, I think you need to start following the DB plan.

As for sleeping, why is she still in MBR?

We had that out last night. Neither of us ready to concede. There is not a great option elsewhere in the house. But, mostly we are just stubborn.

Thank you all. I appear to be mired in false reconciliation. She wanted to be held last night. I obliged. I am so conflicted though.

Currently this is what I get from my WS:

Lack of care and concern for me, (not once, "hey, how are you feeling?")
Anger, (Wants me to "get over it". My focus on her lack of commitment is "really making it hard for us to rebuild our relationship)
Continuing “affair fog” babble ("It's just innocent chit-chat. LOOK, here is one cherry-picked chat conversation that PROVES it!")
Continuing desire for ‘privacy’, (Has ADDED new passwords where there were none before--how I discovered on D-day)
Has not apologized again since D-day. Indicating a lack of remorse. Was very remorseful on D-day, then re-hardened.
Still secretive
Uses my hurt to justify not fully engaging in the marriage ("you are dragging me down with you, which is why I don't want to spend time with you")
Attempts to set terms and conditions, ("I've given up a lot (in reference to contact w/ OM) What are YOU giving up?")
Continues to state the BS was the reason for the affair--blame shifts,
Coldness, (Does not seem phased by my pain and suffering, offers no remorse or comfort. Gets annoyed when I bring it up)
Distant,
Lack of commitment (Making NO promises to do better or to never stray, or "I'll do anything to make it up to you" statements)

Well, they don't get more wayward than when they are having A's with more than one guy at the same time. This is more than a bad "habit" she has developed. By you telling her she could continue to chat with these men, you might as well as said she could have cyber sex with them, b/c that's what is going on. That is why she needs her privacy!

You cannot let this just slide by, avoiding conflict and waiting until she decides to come around. If it continues, it will get worse. Eventually, she will start meeting them in person b/c most of them are looking for a f--k buddy and will press to see her.

She is getting her cuddling time from you, on demand, while she gets her sexual stimulation from strangers. Don't you see something wrong with this picture? You may call it stubbornness, but it is a power play on her end. I don't think it is you being stubborn as much as maybe something, but I will hold back from saying at the moment.

She does have all the power b/c she has taken it like taking candy from a baby. She gives you all that BS and she gets to do whatever she wants. What are you doing while she's having cyber sex? And did I understand you right about having sex with her? One place you said it had stopped, but another place talked as if it had started up again.

Matt is right, you need to focus on basic DBing principals at the present time. If you have a tendency to mix part truth with part something else, you may get some of the advice confused, as well. I suggest you not jump into something too deep without getting the basics. There is a lot of reading you need to do, starting with Cadet's homework assignment.

You can't grasp all of this over night. It's a lot to digest.