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Back at you Heavy! Thank you again.

I had a couple of suggestions for yer D paperwork if they are not already included:

1) "both parties will strive to maintain a morally healthy environment, including but not limited to, keeping the children away from any person abusing alcohol or using illegal drugs."

Yer W is a very fluid concept right now. She could continue to get weird in a number of ways. This keeps your kids from being in a home where pornography is left where they could find it or any kind of weird intimate stuff is going on (she did suggest an open M after all, that kind of thinking can get bizzare fast), and of course away from substance abuse.

2) a right of first refusal clause

Have yer L write something up that says if either of you will be away from the kids for xx amount of time, and you are xx or less distance apart, you will give the other parent the first opportunity to "babysit" during that time before leaving the kids alone or leaving them with someone else.

This clause does a lot of good. First, it keeps her AP from babysitting yer kids every evening while yer W goes out to work or see friends or go away for a weekend to see family or whatever...you get the first opportunity to have them with you.

Second, if, after the D is finalized, yer W does decide she just wants to party and not spend a lot of time with the kids, you get a chance to have more time with them, and then, without mentioning it at all, you DOCUMENT that extra time until some kind of pattern is set. You need to be as easy going as you can with the extra time so you'll get a lot of it......then, after a while, you return to court to show the judge the difference between the actual time spent together and the time split ordered by the court and request an official modification to give yourself more time.

Mornings are the worst for me - I don't know why. Maybe the enormity of the day
Stretched out in front of me makes me scared. Another day on my own with two kids who depend on me to make the right choices.

Yesterday we probably overdid it with activities but it was fun and the kids were happy - just very tired today.

Sometimes I wonder if I had to do this all over again would I? My kids of course make me answer yes but the rest? I honestly don't know. My whole thought process was that I was building a life for my family. So many sacrifices for the family but I gladly made them for the greater good you know? My life that included a family. One that was what I thought it was - just a dream in my head? I question reality now - was all of that family talk and forever talk just a dream or a lie or just stuff that people say in the moment.

I feel like I have a bayonet in my back and I am being marched into an unwanted reality. Two choices at this point, submit to the unwanted on my terms or hers.

Funny how one day I feel so confident and other days just down. Still on roller coaster tells me I am still not detached.

I spent time with a friend yesterday divorced 2 years out and still not detached either. Wow. Maybe this is a lifelong process and that is truly daunting.

Hugs Heavy.

HD -

Of course you would do it all over again. I think we all would. I certainly don't regret marrying my W for an instant. I don't regret either of my children. My regrets all about the way I treated her and the person I became. But whatever pain I'm feeling now doesnt come close to canceling out the 15 incredible years she's given me or the two joys of my life that will be with me for many years to come.

Reading this I had to second guess if I wrote it myself or not. It's like you read my mind. This is the toughest part. Figuring out what was real. Second guessing everything I took for granted as truth and reality. I don't understand how the impossible is happening. I think of the awful things he has said to me lately. Deliberately hurting me. Who is this person and what happened to my h? Did the h I thought I married exist? These are the thoughts that keep me attached. Somehow I need to get closure on it. Reconcile the past reality and the current reality in some way that makes it ok that I loved him and devoted 15 years of my life to him. Something in those 15 years had to be real.

Can somebody tell me why my X calls wanting to speak to the kids any time she wants? We have been through this several times, call at X time when you want to talk to them. But noooo...... all over the map. If it's not at X time - it goes to voice mail. You voluntarily gave up 50% of your time with your kids remember??

Kids had a lot of fun today and I did a lot of driving and shopping. At least I was out of the house which is a good thing! D6 has aleady konked out.

Good idea DJin about he time monitoring. I will start to do just that.

W has already stopped collecting the kids artwork and diplomas. D6 graduated from K and guess who wanted the diploma to frame - ME! Guess who picked up all the art work from the whole year - ME!

I am very happy about that! I will continue this process.

Hey HeavyD--

I sympathize about your mornings. Those do seem to be the worst times. I wonder if it's not just facing the day ahead, but perhaps when you wake up some part of you still expects her to be there, even if subconsciously.

It's rough being frog-marched where you don't want to go and forced to make the best of it when you get there. I feel for you.

Hi newpand

Maybe you are right - maybe I still think she's there. Oh well.

Tomorrow play dates lined up and lunch with a friend. Plus church.

Best to keep busy.