Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My story pt 2

I think Sandi's advice is great as always. The only thing I would add, is to ensure the very brief answer is pleasant, and not curt. Some DBers go a little too far towards curt at times. My H went through a phase of responding - OK - Yes - No etc and it all felt curt & angry to me.

However, I think - No problem - Will do - Thanks - Great - fine with me - all sound upbeat,cooperative and obliging. And you can add in sprinkles of exclamation marks and emoticons depending on your preference!

Glad I asked about this today. I bought my D2 a new dress yesterday and W texted me this morning:

Her: D2 was so proud of her new dress. she wore it with her bag to the gym while I exercised
Me: (30 min later) I'm so glad. she thanked me as soon as I gave it to her
Her: (immediately after I sent my text) She really loved it. She showed everyone. We even walked back to my class so she could show everyone
Me: (15 min later):) i'll have to get her another one soon

Trying to make it short and nothing to continue on the convo. I feel so ridiculous that I have to focus on something as small as this.

A friend of ours is having a b-day party this weekend and I will be going with D2, I haven't told W yet but I am interested to see what she says about it. I honestly don't want her to go because I don't want to go as friends or go and pretend everything is OK. We will see what she says when I tell her tonight.

FYI - if W texts me, I do usually wait a while to reply. But if she replies to my comment immediately, I won't artificially wait after that - then it looks like I'm avoiding her or something. I think it's ok to HAVE a conversation. Just don't be the one to start it.

Make sense?

That makes complete sense Matt

In regards to the Bday party I have this weekend; the couple who invited me invited my W and D2; they are mutual friends but my W only knows them because of me. They have no idea anything is wrong with our marriage. Should I tell my W whose bday party it is or should I just leave it at the least amount of details as possible?

"D2 and I are going to go to a bday party Saturday evening" and then see if the W digs for details
Or
"D2 and I are going to joe's bday party Saturday evening"

Just leave it. I mean, don't be a dick or anything, but don't spill everything to her. Keep her wondering...

Now W is furious at me that I booked my D2 a doctor's appointment without letting her know. She is livid. It was all through texts, but I stayed calm and told her I understood she was angry about it.

It's so frustrating that anything I do outside of what she wants/expects she gets angry about it and I have to just bite my tongue. Lord give me patience....

And on what grounds is she objecting you making a doctor's appointment?

I can't reason with her because she is so illogical right now. The series of events:

1. I called doctor to book appointment to help my W out
2. I immediately go in a meeting at work so I will just tell my W after the meeting and we can reschedule if she wants to
3. Wife calls doctor to book appointment, finds out it has already been booked and then texts me to vent
4. I explain I was going to tell her after the meeting and she says I should have talked to her before even calling the doctor.
5. I say I can understand her being frustrated about not knowing.
6. She says she isn't frustrated, she is angry and she wanted to talk about it later. I said I had a 30 minute break if she wanted me to call her and she said she thinks it would be better to wait until later. (She is that angry?!?!)

I'm guessing I should just validate her anger/frustration? It's so silly, I think she is just baiting me or deflecting anger/frustration about our situation into something that is so petty.

Honestly, I was trying to book that appointment and take my D2 so my W would have 1 less thing to worry about, but somehow that turns into her getting angry at me? unreal.

Not saying it's right or not, but I can imagine her feeling like this is you thinking she isn't capable of being a successful mother. If she was planning to do it, you doing it instead could come across that you think she can't take care of herself or take care of your D.

Step back. Consider your actions with a beginners mind again. It may feel like nothing to you, but think how it could come across.

Thanks for the perspective Matt. I'll say something later tonight "I can understand you being angry. I can see how my actions would look insensitive, next time I'll be sure to talk with you first" something like that?