Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ripken - WW filed for Divorce and I moved Out #5

Maybe just try & see every text as a tiny opportunity to show good PMA, or a 180 & so on. Then just reply & move forward. Sometimes I reply, make a face at the phone & chuck it at the couch - then move forward!

Matt, thanks for the support! Toots, I will do that. That helps. I want to improve for me and there's no way I can improve or get better without challenges or tests. In a weird way, I need these triggers so I can work to overcome them.

Ugh. First couple of interactions with my wife in a week and they sucked!

She texted me out of the blue to give her a call because it was about the boys. So I did thinking it was an emergency. She said we need to think when we are going to tell them that the house will be up for sale, I'm not moving back and we're getting divorced. Our oldest asked today and ww was caught off guard and said I wasn't moving back and that we weren't divorced yet.

When she told me this I told her I was busy, I was. And that I would need to talk with her about this later. I called because I thought it was an emergency.she got upset, yelled she was sorry for interrupting and we hung up.

I called her later and we talked. She said she is always stressed and doesn't sleep well. Said she just wants this to be done. Said she has third parties like her lawyer and real estate agent communicate with me because they are good at their jobs and can explain things better than her. She also said its just easier.

She said that she feels like she's being played and that I don't ever communicate with her either. I can go out and live my life and do whatever and she's stuck with the house and everything that needs to be done with that.

I tried to listen and validate. Told her it's not easy for anyone. She asked what I wanted her to communicate about. We do about the boys, she asked if I wanted her to about the house. I told her I'm not sure what I want about a lot of things. However the more animosity builds and no communication happens, the more it feels like we'll go down a path where all well be is enemies and hate each other. That something I'm not sure I want and I told her that.

She really didn't say much to that. We did agree to tell the kids tomorrow. That won't be fun, but looks like it has to happen.

Also other told me of a Facebook post that happened yesterday where om told ww "love you, babe". So, very sure that's not over.

So, for those keeping score at home, she is still having affair. She filed and is pursuing divorce. She put house up for sale. She is pushing telling the kids. She is ok with no contact.

I'm trying to feel ok with all of this and remember the positives I'm having with myself. However, I've seen zero positive changes or anything good happening in my relationship with her since db.

I've changed and getting better and she has been colder, more hurtful and distant than anyone I cold have ever imagined,

Hey Rip,

Thanks for checking on me. Oh no, it sounds like you had a really rough day to say the least. I can relate to the quote above as my W is the same way.

Does she seem like a stranger to you? Right now, I feel you are doing the right things. Since you can't control her, please keep working on yourself and try (I know it's hard!) to stay focused and positive.

Try to have a good evening buddy.

Bob

Bob. Thanks! Yes, she does seem like a stranger. The person I knew doesn't seem to be there for me. Everyone else (her friends, family, om) that appears to be the case, but not with me.

I miss her, but a lot of days it's easier not having contact. I just don't know of that's what I want for the rest of my life. But it's hard to have interaction with her when she's in love with om.

Everyone says look at her actions. All her actions show she's done and wants out. Not sure there's anything else i can do. Moving on, going dark and no contact just seem to make her happier with her decision and feel more justified.

Really don't see it having any positive impact on us and she seems to be just fine.

Unfortunately, there's nothing any of us can do to SHOW our Ws that we are the better choice. All we can do is BE the better choice and hope that one day, they will "wake up" and realize it.

Eventually, we will all have to decide when we stop waiting for that day to come. That's the day the rope gets truly dropped.

Wishing you as much strength as you need, friend.

Rip, anything for you! You're not alone, as I've sure you read in many others' posts. My W seems like a stranger to me, too.

It sounds to me like the scary/frustrating part for you is that there's increasing distance between you and your W. I get it, believe me. That's part of the detachment.

I'd like to pass along a friendly reminder...we have to trust the process. What else can we do? Also, let's say this forum didn't exist (Yikes, what would we all do?) and you had no roadmap to follow. Sadly, I doubt things would be different. A wayward spouse has detached from us for their own selfish reasons. There are exceptions, of course, like physical and emotional abuse, etc.

My point is, if you want a chance at R, it's better to have a road map to follow than no plan at all. Plus, sometimes things change suddenly for the better. Do any of us know what will happen tomorrow?

So, try to keep a PMA and see where that leads.

Rip, you're such a good guy and I know you don't deserve this mess.

You'll get thru it somehow.

Bob

Thank you for sharing. I searched some of these key words and found some good material on this subject. Very applicable to me and what I went through in my R. Gave me some new things to look further into. I have touched on goals/motivations in my thread. Now I see that a big part of my motivation to achieve has been to be worthy of someone that will love me and validate me. If you have further suggestions on this please share.

As for your sitch, detach and leave the future in the future. Right now you just need a short term plan focused on you. You can do that. Keep going.

Rip,
I'm sorry, brother. This is some brutal stuff to deal with. I know that reality is settling in for some of us and it's a harsh reality. However, it won't be that way forever. You are the better choice, if not for your W than for someone else much more deserving of the great man you are and are becoming. Maybe view this as an opportunity to find fufillment in ways you could never find before in your previous MR. At least, that's what we all deserve, whether it's with your W or with someone else. Stay strong, Rip. You've come so far.

Hi Rip




^^This. I'm in the exact same boat sprinkled with a few dashes of spite just for fun. And it is getting worse, much much worse.