Quote: It sounds as though you might be an Acts of Service person when speaking your LL? What LL does your H receive in?
I haven't read the book in a long time -- I need to check it out again. The sad thing is that I'm not sure I do for people out of love or if I'm trying to *make* them like me -- part of each I suppose.
Quote: Mom, I not only heard that from Mr. W., it was my dad's patent answer to my mother as well.
Yes, my dad's as well. Of course my mother is/was a terrible wife and parent a lot of the time, and just about the most controlling person on earth. My dad is very passive/aggressive. I seem to have morphed into a less awful version of my mother and married a less wimpy version of my father
Quote: OR P/A Man will tell you what he wants to do, you battle him into getting what you want and he either does it or doesn't do it... but either way is resentful.
Ahem, I confess this has happened more than a few times in my marriage
Quote: Actually, living apart gives you the perfect chance to make the differentiation between a true act of service and exercising control. Do you do them just because? Or are you hope to sway him into remembering just how nice you are?
I'm not sure to be totally honest -- probably a little of both. I'm also nervous to STOP doing things because I've always done them. I'd be afraid he'd suddenly think I'd become an uncaring b*tch or something!
Quote: A question for you: What were you like when you were dating? What were you doing when he made his play for you? What kept his interest?
Sigh... who remembers? When we went on our retrouvaille weekend a few weeks ago, he wrote that what first attracted him to me was that I was smart, I pursued him (I asked him out first and we went out two or three times before he asked me specifically for a date), and was beautiful. Well, I'm still smart, weigh less than when we met and look pretty much the same (with a few more wrinkles of course ). What kept his interest? I guess part of it was that he never dated much and thought he was lucky to have me, his friends and family thought I was great, we shared interests in movies, music, etc. All that is still true. I did sort of start taking over his life before we were even married though. He would leave his bills around and not pay them even though he had the money. It drove me crazy! So I'd fill out the check, have him sign it, and mail the bills for him. How controlling is that?
Quote: You won't die if you don't see him socially. I know it hurts, Mom. I really do. But after all, don't you want HIM to want YOU? Give him some space and time to figure this out without pressuring him. That's how he knows the big decision was his and not just another variation of you getting what you want.
Yes, I *know* you're right. Okay, I will try, really, really try. I do see him often, which almost makes it harder! He comes over to watch our girls on Tuesday evenings because I work late, Wednesday evenings because I go to a club meeting, and two days and nights on the weekends (while I go stay elsewhere). We have our retrouvaille follow-ups on Saturday nights. In counseling after he first left, I complained to the counselor (once when I saw her alone) that he never made any plans for us as a couple or a family. Her reply was that if he hasn't done it for the past 10 years, what makes me think he's going to start now? But I guess I have nothing to lose by trying, right?
Quote: He misses me, Mom. He probably wouldn't come right out and tell that to anyone
My dh told me a couple of weeks after he moved out that he had missed me, but only because I came right out and asked him. He has said that he can't imagine his life without me in it, but just isn't "in love" with me anymore. How I hate those words!!
Quote: I'm probably older than you are, more set in my ways, and in general, a pain in the butt.
I don't know about that -- I'll be 40 this year. When did that happen?
Quote: What goals can you make to stop the behaviors that seemed to jump out at you?
Retrouvaille is really helping me with this. On our weekend, I was able to express my emotions to him for the first time in our marriage without blaming or making judgments. It sounds simple, but for me it was a revelation! I was also hearing some of his feelings for the first time, and boy is it hard not to argue or discount them. But I did it and continue to do it in our "homework". I guess I really just need to back off and make no decisions without his input. Thanks Betsey -- you seem so together now. I have read a lot of your old threads, so I know it wasn't always that way. Hopefully, I'll be where you are sooner rather than later! Susan (aka mom)
). What kept his interest? I guess part of it was that he never dated much and thought he was lucky to have me, his friends and family thought I was great, we shared interests in movies, music, etc. All that is still true. I did sort of start taking over his life before we were even married though. He would leave his bills around and not pay them even though he had the money. It drove me crazy! So I'd fill out the check, have him sign it, and mail the bills for him. How controlling is that? 