HeavyD, thanks. She should move, but it is her house. Oddly enough, when I sold my house and moved into hers, we never put my name on the deed, but we own 12 investment properties together, so it's all very complicated. We're also not legally married - and actually, I really don't believe she will "screw" me. We'll sort things out financially. It's just a tangled mess.
As for the kids, they are getting ready to move out... into one of our rentals. They are still building up funds and one is still trying to secure a job, so we're in a painful limbo for probably a few more weeks. W and I won't begin actually separating until the kids move out.
She just came home and we chatted with very little animosity about moving forward. I think I had the first sense of relief in terms of separation - the possibility of not living with her and not being surrounded by her constant anxiety appeals to me greatly, of course. I also think that if there is EVER any hope for us together down the road, we need to be physically apart. I thought that living together as roommates would be beneficial, but it's not. Every time she sees me, I represent responsibilities and obligations she no longer wants to have. The tension in the house is suffocating us both. The GAL moves worked very well early on, but she doesn't see them or care now. She doesn't have a chance to miss me, because her life is filled with work and the OW and the busyness she needs in order to avoid taking stock of herself.
So the plan is for us both to move to smaller places, and to lease out this home through the business. (She insists she will not move in with the OW for at least a few years, we'll see about that.) If she is in a small lonely place without me, maybe she'll come to miss me. But that's not really my concern, because right now, I'm just so miserable with who she has become. I know you can relate, Heavy.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yeah - I get it - it's a hot mess our WAW's have created and they seem to be oblivious to it all.
OK - thanks for clarifying the housing situation. That makes sense now. I am giving you a heads up about her "screw" you. You never thought your W would do what she has done have you? What makes you think she won't screw you? WAW's are notorious for that (in my opinion). It all becomes an adverserial game at this point and the goal of the game is to WIN which means one of you has to lose. Guess who she wants to lose?
She has "won" the new lady, a new life (for now) etc.... You have lost (for now) your wife, your housing, etc.... All I am saying is be very careful.
I had no idea how my W could be so cold, hard and vicious about desstroying our family. It is what it is.
I hear you, HeavyD. Yeah,this whole thing is so shocking, and she's been cold.
But at the same time, she's also feeling very guilty, and has made countless overtures toward trying to "make me feel better." Even last night she hugged me at the ball park and put her hand on my leg in the car. (I pulled away, but still.) As we spoke this morning, she insisted we'd separate fairly. It's always possible she could turn and make things difficult, but I don't think she lacks a conscience entirely.
Still, I'm on my guard. I know she and I are not a team right now. I need to be vigilant. At least on those days when I can get out of bed...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yeah, one of the good ones. Except for that bit about leaving me for another woman.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Can't be sure of anything, that's true. One day at a time...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Something shifted for me yesterday. I really took a long hard look at my W, and who she has been for the past month and a half or so. As I've been taking the DB advice from the book, here on the boards, and my coach, I realize that one thing is very true: you must attract and draw your spouse back in. You can't plead, play the victim, show weakness, none of those things. You must be attractive.
So I was thinking what does she find attractive... and especially what does she find attractive about the OW? Well, she's got a good job, she's financially stable, and for my Albanian socialist raised wife, that kind of stability = happiness. She thinks. The OW is providing for the moment a fantastic distraction from all the things that have been crashing down around my W.
On the other hand, she looks at me and she sees a former partner in business and in life, thus single and sad and unemployed. She associates me with the failure to date of our business. She sees nothing in me that gives her the dopamine hits of sexting, dating, concerts, picnics, romantic dinners, beach trips... she looks at me and sees everything she wants to escape. Right now, her escape hatch is incredibly superficial - as any escape hatch would be. And, her understanding of stability is very superficial, too.
So for a while, I was thinking: if she's going to ever find me attractive again, I don't just need a job - I need a really good one, one that denotes power and prestige and a "competitive" income. And it's funny... when she met me, I had a job that she saw that way, as a school principal. (I even built the school.) But I never saw my own job that way. I saw my job as a labor of love, a place of servant leadership, not power or prestige. And certainly not money!
But no... here's the thing that struck me. Stability IS important to her, but that doesn't necessarily mean lots of money, or a powerful job. It can mean a simpler life, and priorities rightly ordered. And honestly, that's more who I am... and deep down, who I think she is, too.
She went to see the documentary "Happy" at the OW's house a few weeks back, when she was still appearing to be a bit more confused, conflicted, and with one foot still in my door. I asked her how the movie was, and she said it made her rethink what happiness really is... that it doesn't take much for anyone to be happy. Indeed this is true... it's even something we've spoken of many times. We could have fixed what's wrong together, but she cracked before we had the chance.
So if I am to attract her, I need to be fully and authentically who I am - the spiritually grounded lover of simplicity. I know she finds that attractive, but I have to cultivate it and really just be me. If she wants that person again, she will get back to her true self. Because the person she is right now doesn't want that. And I don't want her.
I am hoping that as we separate, I can quickly do something I've always wanted to do: buy a little piece of land and put down a sustainable tiny house, mortgage free. With the boys moving out, I have that freedom now. And that kind of freedom will allow me to do so many things I've put on the shelf while building a business that I didn't much care about, but thought would be the foundation for our life together.
If she never comes around, then I will be moving forward with a much more authentic life than I think we've been living the past year, and I will find peace and my own happiness... in fact, just the thought of it has brought me a certain peace I haven't known since all this began.
But if she is temporarily insane, and this fantasy she's living begins to come crashing down, and the kind and loving woman I really believe her to be emerges again, she will look for the real stability that comes from being with a person of integrity, authenticity, faithfulness, and commitment. She will see not the person she sees now, but truly, the real me. Will I take her back? If my real W returns, yes... in that long, slow process of reconciliation that will have to be on my terms. But in true DB fashion, I can't think too much about all that right now. I need to get right with myself, and with God.
God did provide some peace today for me. I have seen my first ray of hope in a long time.
Thanks again, Heavy... and everyone here.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I am hoping that your realizations will propel you forward. To aid you, I'm more than happy to help you here with some ideas and guidance.
How do you plan to re-attract W?
What action steps that you can take to achieve it?
List your goals here and break each one down in actionable and measurable steps. I'll give you an example to get you started.
Lose 20 pounds -Eat smaller portions during mealtimes -More veggies and fruits -Walk around the block during the first week (increase distance each week) -Do 30-minutes of cardio -record weight each month