Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go Part VI

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

My W said 4 times this morning, "I am divorcing you". She has filed the papers and the only problem is that she can't afford one - due to her spending a lot of money on her AP. She is in love with another and she is not changing her mind. She refuses counseling without a third party - her A/P. I will not go to couneling when she has a A/P whispering in her ear.

Me hiring a laywer is the only way I have to protect myself from her irrational behavior and is the best interests of our children.

PAGING Wonka and/or CaliGuy

Hold the course? Give in to mediation? Stall?

And I do not think you should get rid of your lawyer. I'd like to see you keep the lawyer AND find out what yer W is willing to sign over to you for free. That's what I'd wish for you.

A toddler throwing a tantrum on the floor or a rebellious teening yelling at her parents aren't really in a state to know WHAT they want. As adults, we know to ignore nearly all of that.

She's not acting like a person who wants to divorce and be rid of you. And, even if that is what either of you want, it's not an option since you have kids together. And someday you will have sons and daughters in law together. And grandchildren together.

The decisions of today have consequences that may reach long after the anger and hurts of today have subsided.

If you had a chance to talk to your teenage self about things that worried you or angered you or hurt you at the time...wouldn't you focus on things like perspective and don't worry things get better and this too shall pass and who cares what that other person did just let go of it....

Have you read Michelle's article, "He's Teething"? It talks about how we excuse some behavior from adults and kids in difficult times. Would you want your W to excuse some bad temperedness from you if you were say, going through cancer treatments? Or healing from a tragic loss of someone close to you? You'd hope for a little latitude, yes?

What if this is all our spouses need right now? What if they need space to cry out their tantrum and when it's all over and they are thinking clearly again they find that we didn't put them up for adoption and turn their bedroom into a home gym....no, instead they find us waiting with milk and cookies to hear whatever they have to say.

Is that the behavior they deserve? Nope. But we forgive toddlers their tantrums. We forgive teenagers their moodswings. We allow them to grow out of those and we move on.

Can we detach enough to allow our spouses their space to tantrum and work through their mood swings and grow out of their selfishness and weirdness but stay close enough that when they are done we still have milk and cookies ready? I think we can.

It may bring you great peace to create 1-3 short term, action oriented goals, using Michelle's model for goal setting, to be completed in the next 1-2 weeks. I see you have been working very hard on personal goals for you. But you can also make goals for the relationship....a Wish List for the next 1-2 weeks. What would be nice to have happen by then?

My thots on all the texts also are to make sure your boundary is not a punishment. A healthy boundary is to say, "Let's not try to solve problems when we're upset and swearing and accusing. Let's talk again when we're both calm." A punishment is, "We will only text when I choose and you'll be sorry if you keep trying to get me to text you back at other times."

An inconsistent reward is the strongest behavior motivator. So, responding to angry texts inconsistently actually rewards the behavior more than anything else you could be doing. However, responding to kind texts only...and having a pat response to other texts that you repeat over and over as needed ("you seem upset. i'll discuss this with you later when we're both calm") would be more likely to result in a behavior change. Yes she'll say you're controlling her. That's standard text for setting boundaries. But, if you cross into punishment, then her accusation becomes true.

Your short term goal there might be to make every text message free of name calling, accusations or swearing (for both of you). I recommend making the goal concrete and measureable so you'll know easily if she's met the goal or not. It's easy for us to stay angry at someone even if they ARE doing the exact thing we asked them to do.

These are good skills for your relationship whether you share a household or just share children. You'll need these skills for ANY relationship you are in. Why not learn them now for this one?

Now my text from W asks - Would you like to meet with A/P face to face?


Ummmm.....no

Please know I do not think there is anything *wrong* with anything you think or have done or with you having a lawyer.

I suspect you want to go back to a healthy relationship (or obtain one if it never existed in a healthy way) with yer W more often than you want to D.

I am totally, totally on yer side. I think yer W and my H will soon find themselves elected Grand Marshalls in the Butthead Parade.

But what if this is just a phase. I would not feel comfortable letting my kids grow up in a broken home because I couldnt get through a difficult phase.

I do think you'll find peace right now returning to the small goals. We can do all the detaching and GAL and LRT and 180s, but without the goals, we don't know when they are working.

It looks to me in the patterns I've observed that much of what you are doing IS working, it just isn't working as quickly as you'd like so you dismiss it. That is not the DB method.

I want for you what you want. And my heart hurts for you. And I don't have yer W's ear right now or I'd have plenty of words for her.

I think you and I have situations that are still full of hope. We would fight for the life of a person for as long as there was a spark of chance. Should we not fight for the life of our family? For our kids, can't we do that?

Love and hugs.

And now my W texts - would you like to me AP face to face?

As the children are going to meet her, she wanted to give me the courtesy first.

I feel sick at this point.

i think she is just pushing my buttons andmy Gosh she is good at that.

At some point you will certainly have to meet her if she stays in WW's life. But I don't think you need to go out of your way. I mean, what would you SAY to her?!

I have zero desire to meet with her. Again, I think my W is just trying to push my buttons.

I am really really really starting to not like my W. She has turned into someone I would never know. I am so dissapointed.

It sounds like a situation you could not handle gracefully right now. I know I wouldn't be able to. What about saying, "thanks for offering, but it's too soon for me."

Or, "no thanks. I don't think that's necessary at this time."

I didn't mean to meet WITH her. But assuming that your W stays with her, she will probably start coming to kid's events. So I guess eventually you'll have to meet her.

But I don't see why you need to go out of your way to, for example, have coffee with her or something now...