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Don't apologize for posting too much. The more you type, the more everyone can understand your thoughts and goals and fears, etc. when I first joined, someone told me "electrons are cheap". People are reading. Don't worry about it.

I'm still a little confused. She hasn't been trying to be intimate for the last month. So how would you be rejecting to sleep with HER? Sandi has posted many times (sorry if I mess up the wording!) that women are only romantically interested in one man at a time - there isn't anything that you can do on a sexual basis to compete if she is interested in OM at this moment. If it were me, I would stop any romantic interactions with her, why would you want to settle for being her Plan B?

The bigger point, I think, is that your mindset is still way too focused on her and clinging to her. She is sleeping with another man - how much FARTHER away can you push her? Instead, your only choice is to let her go. You take the focus off of her, put it on making you the best Angels possible. Move forward with your life.

thanks for the reply. I think your right, even though i am doing things for myself now without asking, i'm still wondering what shes thinking or doing instead of basically just not caring, like you are suggesting. Also the PF is now horrible, she used to play both sides (which i saw the messages of when i read and discovered everything) but since the fallout of calling her out, now she is against me and i think pushing the W away because of it out of her own anger for being called out as attacking my marriage, even though i was 100% right (which i know, i know, doesn't matter anymore). I wish i would have come here before that because im sure you all would have told me that was a bad idea to call her out on giving my W bad advice.

What sandi posted i believe spot on about only being able to be intimate with one person in her mind (which destroys me). What i meant by intimate was not just the sex, but the feeling you get when you are connected, if that makes sense? Not just sex, but the intimacy when your both pleasing one another and into it. We always had that regardless if she was unhappy or mad. Starting a month ago, what i meant was, the passion left. There is basically no kissing, no foreplay for me, not really even effort on her part, that's what i have noticed. She is obviously just appeasing me and pretty much just lays there now, like she could care less. She also barely looks at me (closes eyes) which is extremely hurtful because from what sandi said, im sure shes pretending its not me... I guess in a way, thats what i meant by rejection, combined with just the flat out rejection when she makes up an excuse for not being in the mood. We used to be extremely active, now i dont think it would ever happen if i dont initiate it. Thats was something i always felt i needed as a man to keep myself from drifting, if that makes sense?

We did get intimate this morning, it had been weeks because i couldn't take it. However, to the best i could think of in terms of DBing in my mind i tried to apply. I kept it quick, didnt cuddle, and i made sure i was the one who left first to shower like it didn't really matter. I guess thats the only thing i could do. I just tried to have my own fun i guess and didn't try to make it intimate where i could be rejected (like kissing). It has now become purely physical which honestly, doesn't even seem worth it... god this is hard.

I will post more later. She sits next to me and i do NOT want her to see this forum obviously as people have pointed out. Any advice on the above or previous stuff i will read intently when i get a chance later!

Angels, I would venture to say that is more about your need to be intimate, rather than hers. The fact that you want to have sex with your W in spite of knowing about the A, is not that uncommon for a LBS. If pysical touch is your LL, then of course you miss it very much. You feel security in it. I wonder though, if subconsciously you see having sex as a fixer to the problems of the M. It once was great, so why wouldn't it trigger her positive emotions again, right?

Having sex with your W (at this time) is obviously a very personal choice. However, in choosing to have sex......don"t fool yourself into believing it will work magic on her. The dynamics of the MR has changed.

I would have to agree right now it is about my own need. Im glad to hear its not that uncommon and yes i am very physical and thats defiantly my LL, which makes this whole thing even worse. That is how i feel connected (like most guys im assuming), so not only does this hurt because it doesn't feel intimate, but because she shared this with someone else. That’s really what has destroyed me mentally... Also i do not think sex will fix anything especailly now. That is not something that i have tried or expected

I have been talking to a couple close friends of mine who are very supportive and they can see how it has affected me and how quite I am (the whole problem, but just this). Im wondering if the shock has actually fully hit me yet, or if I have been surpassing it by GAL, and avoiding it because I need a plan of how to expose it like you have all made me see. I get now it needs to be more ‘formal’ and not just attacking and totally emotion driven… that would not end well

As some more notes, I guess I should update on this weekend as I have some more questions/actions from her and I need help with what to do. So first off, I trust you guys and I did NOT disclose anything about my knowledge of the A, as hard as it got when she would talk to me, especially when I know she was texted him and the PF (which is basically another EA at this point with the time they spend together, the PF is divorced and having trouble also in her current M). Im sure of this because they were face timing (couldn’t hear), but I walked in, it was silent for about 2 mins and then the PF just started talking about random crap, and sayinf “that’s cool your working on the house” but the pause and the way my W looked at me when I walked in was obvious I was a subject, or the OM. The basically ended the conversation and hung up after another couple mins.

Anways, so Saturday we went to a movie, that was pretty good, but like ive been saying, we still get along when we do things, more like friends though, not lovers. I wanted to go and asked, I guess following the DBs I shouldn’t have... We also watched a couple movies at the house and Tv shows. Since made dinner and breakfast as that hasn’t stopped. I have to do almost all the chores now though. For the last two weeks I have continued DBing and not saying “love you, especially “I”, and so it’s continued and I haven’t heard it in that time. This [censored] so badly knowing it used to be important to her! Also before bed, or leaving for work we always would, however that has stopped unless I initiate it (which I don’t anymore since DBing). She will always still reciprocate, but im done saying it just to make her and it didn’t sound real anymore. If she wants too, she will initiate it one of these times. Now I just get a ‘night’ before bed, or a ‘have a nice day’ before work (which I start). I tried saying nothing and man did she get mad saying I was ‘rude’ or “WTF”, so I caved and always say ‘have a nice day’ first, maybe I should stop this? Sorry for the side track… I do leave first though so it kind of makes sense. We also never cuddle anymore which she said was something she said we were lacking and she needed, if I try though, she will say “im too hot” or “you don’t have to do it every night” or “I don’t feel like it”, so since DBing I also just don’t attempt this since being a physical person this rejection [censored] for me too, so why set myself up right?

Sunday was ok, but again, just more like friends. I already stated I couldn’t take it for myself and initiated being intimate in the morning but it was more of the same, just physical with basically not emotions from her (or me this time). I saw her smile when I started so part of me wish I wouldn’t have thinking back. I believe before this like I stated, I think she was onto I knew something, because I hadn’t tried in weeks and may have been questioning herself. I kind of let her off the hook I fear? This was the first time I had touched her since finding out the A was physical. After that, she made breakfast, and we went to church together. The whole sermon was about temptation and overcoming it, and the power of women, so good timing? However, as faithful as she used to be, like sadni pointed out, I think that is gone. I was watching her reaction and it didn’t appear to faze her let alone sink in. After we got back I just did my project on the house while she did her thing and tried to not care what she was doing or talking to in other areas of the house. At night, I ended dinner, I went to shower first and went to bed first, all switches from our old routine. She even looked at me with the “what are you doing face” as I was the first to go upstairs (leaving her) to shower/bed.

Now for the Q’s. Marriage counseling, I had been pushing for this and at first I got the “we don’t need this” two month ago, so I stopped. I had been mentioning it a couple times since then asking if she wanted to try, however, since finding out about the A being where it is, I stopped, and even canceled an appointment I had setup. Well this weekend, she asked about it (supposed to be next week) and I said if you want to I will set it up. So, id this a good thing? I feel its just her appeasing me or going through the motions… she is still in the A and talking to OM so what good would this do? Also, how can I go to this without confront the physical A, which is our biggest issue. Ive even seen where she has texted OM now saying if they didn’t talk, me and her would have likely fixed things by now. Let me tell you, this killed me to see this knowing that’s really the cause of everything! So MC, should I do it or not? Should I confront her there? I just cant see how you could go and ignore that issues, even the MC I found knows about it because I told them when they asked on the phone…

Another thing since I saw it in other threads, my close friends (mutual to us) do know about the A, and the MIL knows and has kept it a secret. She is 100% against divorce and on my said, she has even seen my W act disrespectful when I did nothing wrong as family outings etc…. I told her for now, to do NOTHING until I tell her I have a plan and will confront her. I know I have to be the one to confront her. I believe having her on my side is extremely good though as they are close. She respects my decision though and that I have stayed fighting for the M this long. Sandi mentioned that an I just wanted that out there that she is an Ally and a huge influencer on my W.

Out of curiosity, what do you hope to gain from marriage counseling?

If you are going to talk about trying to reconcile , I think it may be more damaging than helpful. But I'll let the vets chime in.

Why?

I dont know, she just doesn't anymore, or her fair share i should say. Its like she is doing to me what she felt i did to her in the beginning of the issues to be honest, even before the A i mean. Anyways, something like the dishes i tried to DB and test her and literally went 4 days where neither of us did them so i got to the point i couldn't take it and did them. Obviously she was waiting for me because i KNOW it bothered her to have them sitting there, lol. IS that me caving? i dont know... i see it as part of the 'improved me' since i didn't do them before. If i stay on top of them, what is 5 mins a night, right? Let me know if this is wrong though... this does add to if im the one being db'd also though like i mentioned earlier, i noticed the last couple weeks, she does only do 'hers' she only bring her dinner to the table so i have to get mine, and she only cleans her area. Same with other cleaning stuff like the laundry. She only does stuff affecting her directly, nothing with the house... Obviously in my opinion, when things were good, we should be taking terms and it doesn't matter 'whose is whose'...

i dont know, this is why i posted it. I originally said i want to go to show and effort of wanting to repair our M. She said we didnt need it (obviously lying to herself or me). Now 3 months later, she has finally agreed to go, however, since i know she still have the A i haven't confronted yet, i dont see this as a good thing because its clearly out biggest issues in terms of whats blocking us from repairing the M. There is no way a MC wouldn't get this out instantly, and i wouldn't want to lie about it because then its just wasting everyone's time. I met with my own counselor today, she couldn't believe i was able to play nice this long without confronting, said it wasnt healthy for me. I am now able to talk about it opening without getting upset. I think it may be time to get sandi's or starskys help on the correct way to go about this? I know i need a plan and there are good/bad things to say and approaches to take... the knowledge of knowing this is seriously starting to get to me. I almost would rather get it so at least the fear is gone and i can deal with what the next step will be... I see now i was 'waiting for the right time' and there never will be. I am also over the initial shock so i can carry a conversation about it not and stay solid... i hope im not supposed to keep this secret forever

No, you don't have to keep it secret, but you are not digesting everything. You still have it in your head that confronting her is a fix. You seriously believe it will end your fear?! It has just begun, plus more problems, at the point of confrontation. You have to have a plan other than just telling her you know about the A. For example, what will be your next move once you tell her you know and she says, "I want a divorce!" What will you do when she demands to know how you found out?

Here's what will happen. She will lie, deny it, and continue with the A. She will admit it, lie to you about ending it, and continue the A. You just have to be prepared to go further, and as of right now, I don't think you are.

Are you ready to stand up to her and tell her that she can pack her things or you'll pack them for her? I don't think so. She controls you. You can't even wait her out four days of dirty dishes, so what makes you think you are ready for the hard stuff? She has you doing all the chores, and you try to excuse it by saying it's really no big deal. No, you aren't ready.

Before worrying about how to approach her with confrontation, you need to be prepared to let her go. You aren't. You just want to hit the magic button to stop your pain and get back to normal again.

As for the MC while she's in an A..........forget it. You hate not to go since she finally agreed? Sounds whipped to me.

The time will come to confront, so get ready. The dynamics of the relationship must change, and it starts with you. You need to emotionally and mentally detach from her and what she does, says, or thinks. Otherwise, you are sunk before you even start.

I am on your side, but there is no way you can handle what comes next, if you can't handle this much. You cannot go blindly into a confrontation and think it will help things. You may experience a very temporary feeling of relief, especially when she lies and has a 2-3 hr. R talk, and you think things are being worked out. Then you will discover she has taken the A deeper and covering her tracks better.