Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go Part VI

The real kicker is that she said again "I should have left you years ago". She uses that as her Ace trump card.

I said "Why didn't you then"?

She says "I was scared too, scared that I couldn't make it on my own, scared of your reaction, didn't think I could do it, scared to go back home to tell her family she was a failure, etc...""

Let me get one thing out there, I am 5/3 and weigh 114 lbs and my W is 5/8 and weighs about 200 lbs so the "I'm scared" of you is kind of ridiculous.

I said "why did you beg me to marry you last summer in the back yard with our kids in the ceremony?". She replied "I thought you would really love me then." ARGGHHH - what gobble de gook is she spraying.

All of this situtation was because in her words "I did not love her". I told her that must have been painful for her to belive that. I then asked her how does she know what I am thinking?

I told her every day how much I loved her and demonstrated it many many many ways. I wasn't the one who had the affair (even though it was my fault because I did not love her enough) and I "kicked her out of the house" for having the affair. Again, she left on her own volition for space to figure this out.

She has these stories in her head that ARE NOT REAL. The events she is painting ARE NOT REAL. She is talking nonsense.

But to her, they are real and I can't control her nor do I want to. She believes what she wants to believe and behaves like she wants to behave.

It reminds me of interventions, the addicts are always angry that the family is giving them tough love, kicking them out of the house, not giving them money. The addicts always say "Why are you reacting this way?" What they don't get is that it is the addict behavior that triggers the reactions. The addicts have it backwards.

I have to walk away from this.

Hi Heavy, I'm sorry to hear about the difficult convo. It sounded like you responded pretty well in difficult circumstances. It does illustrate though how having R convos with someone in an active A just isn't a great idea. I don't believe any single convo makes or breaks chances of R. But it sure messes with our heads.

You know already that someone in affair fog will say things that are just bonkers, and because of this it is best not to run it all over in your mind. Best if you can try and look at it like another person on this board would - yep, I just came into contact with a pile of affair fog verbiage...

But none of this is a huge surprise. We know people in affairs do this. So, I would observe and accept what just happened, chalk it down to (horrible) experience and move forward. I do think you are doing really well in difficult circumstances.

Take care ((((Heavy)))

The comment about leaving years ago is likely just her reacting and getting defensive, she has to justify this any way she can.

Being scared isn't always about the physical also. I was nearly twice my W's weight, her 5'4, me 6'1. There have been times where I was scared shitless over how she might react to

Something else I'm beginning to think about the last few days, and it might apply here. Her saying you haven't loved her might not be completely made up. She may feel that way to some extent. Sure, she has written the good times out,but there could still be grains of truth to what she says. Looking at love languages I've realized lately a way my W was showing me love through our M and I just didn't see it that way. You might have been also. We all speak different love languages that arent received the same. You might think you were showing her love but maybe she didn't feel it because she only sees it through another language. I'd I'm speaking French to my W and telling her how much she cares for me but she only understands English, even if I were showing her love she might not have known it at all. Just something to consider.

Hang in there Heavy. You did well considering that you had a difficult discussion with your W. We are all here for you!

Tough to read all of that Heavy, sounds like you did a great job. There's nothing worse than having to argue against things that actually didn't happen.

Like Fogg said though, it may have been her experience that was different than yours and she's just basing her reactions off of that experience.

Reality is so subjective, especially in hindsight. Especially when it's being used to justify actions that we aren't proud of or make us emotional.

Keep your chin up, I'm sending you a hug.

So many nice comments - thanks everyone PigPen, WBM, Bob, Fogg, Toots, UTurn, Matt and others. Thank you for taking the time to post on my pathetic thread.

Yes, I let my reactions get the best of me and I am not proud of it. Speaking of love languages, Yes, I have read that book many times. I am pretty sure my W love language is touch, so I gave her foot rubs and back scratches all the time, maybe not every time she wanted one, but many many times.

Claification point - if I am such an uncaring, vindictive and emotionless drudge why does she want to be friends with me?

Lessons learned:

1. Do not get sucked into R dialogue
2. Do not react to whatever she says, respond calmly
3. Try to view this is an observer viewing like a 3d person
4. Ignore half of what they say
5. More GAL which will lead to more detachment

Church day today for strength and guidance . It is comforting for me
And I bring the kids here when they are with me.

I know I not supposed to ask why as it is a cheeseless tunnel.

But.........



Why does my wife insist her affair has nothing to do with our separation?

Could this possibly be true in her mind??? More than anything else this is what really bothers me - the inability to reconcile this in my mind drives me nuts.

Heavy, I think lots of people who have A's say this to their partner. Maybe it is because they don't want people to focus on the AP as the one who broke up their M. It is a better narrative for them to say - oh, it was all but over anyway...and then I just met this really great gal, and so on.

Please don't drive yourself crazy over it. I think it is a pretty common pattern when someone has an A. Enjoy your day!

Yeah heavy, I really can't imagine that they really think that the affair is not an issue - can they not even see how things would be if all the roles were reversed?

I'm sure it is just something that they tell us and themselves - I have gotten the same thing. "he is not a predator, it is not his fault, we were done before the affair" I've heard it all (though I believe none of it).

I guess we should drop that line of thinking as it is pointless - I don't think we would ever convince them otherwise.

have a great sunday!!

Right guys

I have replied how would you react if I did that to you? I usually get just a blank stare. Like the two are not connected! I don't know if they recognize the lie or just say it because it absolves them. It's such a stupid lie.

I guess we all just have to keep our feet planted in reality and ignore the obvious BS.

It's like being robbed with a gun in your face and the robber says the gun has nothing to do with the robbery!!!!!

Have a great Sunday guys!