Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 7 weeks in feels like a lifetime.

Sorry numerous moderation errors made on this post by ME.

Restoring it by putting it in quotes from YOU.

Please keep Posting

Thanks Cadet

Glad someone is looking out for me.

Hello Lynn,

Like Cadet wrote: "Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice."

I really agree with Matt's post that I quoted above. Also, Winhamn wrote: "Patience is the biggest thing." He is right on with that. I'm sure your H will test your patience but it's important to follow Winhamn's advice.

I wish you well. You can do this!

Your new friend,

Bob

Happy Mother's Day

Today I just want to stay away from him. Very hard to pretend today. I have avoided him all morning and enjoyed the time with my son. He just tracked me down asking me twice what I was doing (picking up the house) and then cornered me in the closet to attempt a hug and say "can't I wish you a happy Mother's Day"

Ugh. His fear of my angry side is definitely one of his reasons for not wanting to work on our R. Not yelling. Just not engaging him. That is when I think him moving out would be helpful. I wouldn't have to see him texting the OW. You want a divorced- then we don't have to play house.

I need to get better at the game of pretending. In the good moments I am incredibly hopeful because of what he has been doing. We continue counseling to learn focus on our parenting together but his story has changed from willing, to pointless, to co-parenting only, to working on our friendship. A month ago he decided he loved a coworker. He said that counseling made him realize how angry he was and that is why he thinks it can't be fixed. He also LOVES our therapist and just shared how much better he feels after seeing him.

Wish I had a fast forward button to jump forward 6 months. Xoxo

Woohoo. Well that slump of a morning yesterday kicked me in the pants and I found my groove. I went to play with my son, turned up the music and sang and danced. We had an amazing day and I didn't care one bit that my husband never left the couch. Today I went to work and actually got excited and animated about projects again. I am starting to understand how to detach and pretend as if. So happy to have found a new place. Let the DBing begin!

Happy Tuesday all
May we all find peace in the days that are just normal. No big leaps forward and no crumbling backwards. Since I first heard my husband say he was done, I asked for time to show him a different way. Days like this enable me to do that. It isn't all flashy but it is all good.

Looking for help!

My husband and I had a great convo around what the real issue is. It started because he noticed me changing. I said I was trying new things and not waiting. I booked a trip and concert without him. He seemed happy and asked how long I had to use the vacation.

I shared I have been reading about affairs to understand and deal. I shared my ownership in our marital problems and the realizations I have had over the last two months. He was authentic in his appreciation and asked how long I have been working on the issues and what brought about my willingness to listen. He apologized for not being able to speak up. He then asked me to make dinner with him! We continued to chat through dinner. His phone was blowing up with texts from friends and OW. He said "they want me to go to the bar. I was like I'm...no" that has been a big issue. He even left his phone in the other room through dinner. After dinner he agreed to a family walk with our son. This has NEVER happened from past requests.
While on the walk, he starts answering his phone texts and by time we got home, left for the game. He had told me about the game earlier in the week. I told
Him to have fun and he sent a text to update the game wasn't at the park he thought it was at.

I had hoped he would come home early, but he didn't. When he got home midnight he did come in the room (smelling of a lot of alcohol) and laughing about our son.

I see so many positives. I know it won't happen overnight. I am also not trying to want it all at once. I am concerned the OW is not going on attack to keep him. Just need a little support/celebration and direction.

He continues to bring up that I should make my own friends and he thinks I am angry. I will continue to GAL and be happy.

Lynn

Just read your story, appears you have hit the running.

About the OW, its common to focus on them, if you can detach and look at it from a different perspective its not really about the OW, YOU are the prize ... she more like a band aide. So rather than worry about what she is doing, what he is doing with her, channel that energy into more constructive areas like how YOU can use it to work on YOU.

You mentioned that your H has an issue with your anger ... how are you working on that? I ask because guess what ... my W has the same fear .... I went to IC, worked on things, also became heavily involved in church ... found out most my anger was misplaced and typically misdirected, its amazing how free one feels when they can let go of that anger ... it can be crippling.

Thanks Caliguy!

I realized that I use anger to avoid pain. I react when someone hurts me to push them away. I have been reading a lot and seeing our counselor.

I also get angry when things don't go the way I want them to- CONTROL ISSUES!!! I am a serial pursuer. It is part of what got us into trouble. He avoids. I peruse. For this, I have been using mantras and noticing when I feel the urge to control things like move it along faster.

I also re-read love languages to realize he is words of affirmation and all I do is demand and put him down. I owned that and it seemed to really sink in. I tend to see everything that is wrong. Which funnels my need to control and my anger.


I would love any other solutions.

One last question. He has a male coworkers bday party Saturday. He said he wasn't sure if he would get a cab home or sleep there. Soooo scary as I can only guess she will be there also. Not sure if he says these things because he wants me to clearly state my preference. He leaves it like a leading statement. . In the past I would have pleaded, etc. I am considering just letting him know I am would prefer he catch a cab home. We have not been clearly communicating expectations which also got us into anger issues due to unmet expectations.

Thank you for responding. Means so much and helps get through the time.

I recall a sermon back when I was in the dark forest of all this... there was a saying "Hurt people Hurt people" it put things into perspective with my behavior and that of my W.

As far as the control issues ... I am a recovering "Mr Fix-it" and looking at it now, I can not believe how narrow my vision was ... control has the same effect, you are so focused on fixing and controlling a situation you can not see the big picture, what happens when we focus on one item? It gets bigger ... you will focus on the little spot on your windshield so hard that you never see the crack in it.

LL is good, you see how your anger actually emptied that bucket, thats HUGE that you have that intel and can now begin to remedy that right?

As far as the party..... ugh ... this is just my opinion and what I read into it. I doubt he is looking for your guidance and at this point would be best for you to not give any (I would think your history he is awaiting a blow up so he can justify his wanting out of the M ... you need to consistently 180 in this dept IMHO). You H KNOWS you would prefer to have him cab it home ... you FEAR the worst ... he sleeps there, is up all night with OW doing heaven knows what ... look at it like he is a child over at someone else's house, the child knows right from wrong, its up to them to behave accordingly .. you can not CONTROL this, they will do as they will do ... you throwing a fit about it will only force him to run faster. By you 'allowing' him to decide shows you are changing and its something out of your hands regardless right?