Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go Part VI

Heavy

Its not a surprise your W is spinning about the L .... again its pressure and if its one thing that makes the doors come off the hinges with these MLCrs its pressure ... and yeah .. your W is MLC I believe.

So she bounces back and forth in her own fog, pulling at you making sure you are there for her regardless of where she is emotionally for you.

My W would TM at all times of the night, like you I would pick my spots on when to reply .. at first I was all over the place then I started replying when I was emotionally equipped to handle it. Spew flew .. it was similar to 'you call all the shots, always your way .. .I have never had a voice in this" One day I had my quiver full of truth darts and basically tore those myths to shreads, I validated that I was sorry she felt that way not angry but more of a father "Enough is enough" type tone and pointed out that she in fact was the one who was spoiled and has always had it her way, but now that I am GALing and its not what she dreamed it would be ... she throws a fit. Well ... guess what I am not your H, you fired me, so I have landed a new job at "Cali will survive regardless.com" and I will do my best for myself and S and move on with my life that you no longer have a part in, again ... her choice not mine.

Hang in there, do not get emotionally drawn in as she is pulling out the big guns ... the kiddos... keep focused and stay the course.

Heavy, I'm sorry this is a tough time. I think the bottom line is your W just doesn't want you guys to use L's and it's hard for her to give up on that one. My H was similar. But when I said to him - I have a L, it's up to you whether you get one - he went and got a L.

Cali - bless you. I always read your posts and loved the one above - www.tootswillsurviveregardless.com - that's where I am!!

Oops - that came out as a link - don't get excited...it doesn't actually lead anywhere!

Stay the course meaning keeping calm, not responding to her, GAL and just not being availble? Keep focused on what? The divorce? or keep focused on not reacting to her emotional swings.

I feel like we have physicaly split so why rehash the "20 year communication issues", the "not having a voice" issue or the classic "You call all the shots and things are always on your time table" issue. No matter what I say unless I just validate "Im sorry you feel that way."

Suggested Convesaton from Me to W

"All of this is becuase of your self centered choices and behaviors. You never consulted any of us with your choices or behaviors.


I really don't want to get into a text or email war, it's
emotionally draining for me. Its almost like she should just flail about and whatever happens will.

When you confroned your W with your ^^ darts how did that go? Further aruments or did it accomplish any comprehension?

Heavy,

Wanted to post briefly to let you know that I've read this...soon heading out for a family dinner at a restaurant.



The suggested text response from yesterday was to communicate to W clearly that you do have a L and that is is UP to her to contact your L (or not). Don't worry about her antics because she's using them to regain her control over the process and it is really rattling her. Remember how you hanlded your then 2-year old kid throwing a tantrum or having a fit when he/she didn't get her/his way with you. Same with your W. Ignore her bad behavior and attempts to encite you into guilt over this.



I wish you didn't do this. Because you are being reactive here. Allow W to contact your L herself. She has the contact info. Don't let W bully you on this or push you around to get this going. LET HER contact your L in some fashion. The onus is on her shoulders. The next move is hers. Period.



Yeah...she's trying every avenue to push your buttons. Please try to step back and stee them for what they really are: trying to re-assert her control over the process.



I think you really need to stick to your guns ahave W contact your L. Not you. Your text said it all and W freaked out because you've put the responsibility in her lap. Don't allow her to throw it back in yours. See this at all?? I do very clearly from my chair.



That is a typical WAS response to a firm response from the LBS and it throws them off kilter. They don't like the notion of losing their fantasy scenario where they get everything in the D process...so when you or someone sane/rational like a L bursts their bubble, they round up against you and push every button designed to get you to feel guilty.

Put your Spock hat on and really see all of this for what it truly is: W is frantic with losing control of her fantasty of a D that is all cotton candy and poscicles. She wants you to do the work because she cannot bear to face the FACT that she belew up the family.

I did contact my L and he said to tell her via email what I did tell her.

In the future, I will tell her to call my lawyer. I will not engage her. Period.

Enjoy dinner

Just inline with what Wonka posted to you. She is trying to gain some handle on the control lever here .. see it for what its worth, notice the changes ... From BD on she was in control with how it was all going .... now, you are not staying where she wanted you, you are not a sobbing mess, infact you have turned into a strong woman who has a L and a middle finger to go with it ya know?
Keep doing what you are doing and DO NOT drink that crazy-lady koolaide ... she is trying to bait you into being reactive, trying to get some sort of blow up from you ... calm cool and dare I say cordial is eating her up.




Ok ^^^^ That red portion ... nope .. don't. Its very judgemental ... you have the right to feel that way .. vent here .. but that is not something a detached person would say .. do not take the bait and fire back with your own venom.

Remember .. hurt people hurt people .. the family dog who was just ran over by a pick up will bite the owner regardless of his/her intentions ... I started treating and viewing my W in this light .. it helped. Give that a shot.




If you do not want the TM/Email war .. set the boundary I did. I told my W that in order to discuss important topics, I will no longer do that electronically nor over the phone ... in person to ensure I would no longer be misunderstood. She tested this .. but I held my ground .. it helped.

When I did the truth darts it was from a place of calm strength ... no hostility, my voice soft but firm, once I fired them off I ended the conversation and walked away ... allowing her to soak it in and think about what I said. Typically she would be floored, then fire back later with spew, but I knew I planted some seeds that would grow when she was alone and would think about it.

You have to be careful with the truth darts, they usually are not in a place to hear you ... so you have to pick your spots and above all it can not be punitive, has to come from a place of strength, confidence and detachment. It is to just break a few windows in that house built on rewritten history and done properly can shake the foundation.

Question for the Board?

Tell me again what is the purpose for dragging this out? Originally the plan was for me to GAL, get strong, get to a better place emotionally, physically and spiritually which I have. It was also for her to think about what she really wanted and what her life would be without me and 50% reduction of her time with our children.

After all of that - 8 months later she is adament that she wants to divorce me, is very angry still, and is just ready to get it over with. All of this is of course hard to digest and live with. She stil claims that her affair has nothing to do with our split and is just a coincidence and only illustrates how broken our marriage was.

I talked to my lovely kids this morning and they were happy to talk to me and I told them that I would see them in a few days.

As for W, I don't talk to her (unless about kids), text her nor am I giving her any assistance with divorcing me. She again is angry that I have gotten an attorney. She our angry that I won't respond or react to her. She just says that it personifies our "comunication problems", thus justifying her reasons to divorce me more.

It just feels like this fight is getting intensified and more and more contentious, which makes me sad and not what I want. She is insistent she is in love with her AP.

I am at a work conference and me two women who were left by their husbands for affairs. Both of the husbands married their AP and their marriages have lasted for 20-30 years. Wow, most of the literature I have read state that these AP marriages don't last long due to various reasons, being built on deceit, etc...

Both of the women said it was hard for the first few years and then they got over it. Both women remarried and say they are happier with their new marriages, that it was a better fit. I will note that their marriages were not 20 years like mine was 8-10 year range for both of them.

Maybe I will be OK with my new normal, my post divorce life and the new improved me. Food for thought for me. Maybe this is the acceptance phase I have entered.

Heavy - I have the same feelings that you do - as I do things legally and financially for myself, the fight intensifies. Now with me speaking to a L, this will be another breaking point - another reason for her to hate me.

I see in your situation that putting the brakes on so your W will have to do the work to disassemble everything. You may not be the one who wants it, but are the one facilitating it. It is in your court to take as long as you need.

The heavy lifting does not have to come solely from you.

But acceptance doesn't have to feel like giving up - I am trying to get beyond that too.

Good point.

No I will not facilitate this. She will have to do the heavy lifting solo. No help from me on this.

I hate it but there is no other option for me. I have to maintain some control over this process and this is the ONLY WAY I can do that.

She will just have to hate me as much as she wants.

Eeyore is kicking the can strongly folks. I am trying to keep him in the trash can. I don't know what the triggers are today but I am feeling weak and vulnerable and filled with anxiety.

This whole "where are we in this divorce process" has got me rattled. It just feels more real and we are further down the path that I don't want to be on!

The more I fight it, the tighter the noose.

Detachment will be a life long process for me. I really believed the fair tale of "Marriage is forever". I feel jaded and cheated and will never be able tro trust fully again.

Sorry but Eyeore has escaped and is on the run.