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Control of ourselves and our actions.

Hey Py, hope you're doing well. I read my old threads the other night. I swear I was saying mostly the same things you are when I was 4-5 months in.

It definitely gets easier. Months 1-3 are like the end of the world. Months 4-8 are uncomfortable, but bearable. I think I've reached a place that's actually comfortable, but still has a lot of sorting, baggage, and some regret.

Looking forward to the next level in another six months, year, etc. I know there will always be some loss, but it's nice to know it does get easier.

For what it's worth, I've been so filled with joy and love lately. It's really cool. I am reading the book I mentioned by Dr. Joy Browne, just the forward and chapter one so far but it is SPEAKING to me. It has to do with how fantasies destroy our lives (tying nicely into my binge on expectation, control, and even addiction).

Anyway, I just find myself welling up with good feelings a lot, and it's like "who is this man". Not blaming my W or my M, just sayin' I was suicidal for several years towards the end. I am so grateful to have been given so much joy. Just had to share a little with my man Py.

Frankly I believe in management rather than control.

Must go and chew some cud......

V

i'llget back to you on this next week - minus single parenting week.

I think this is the reality Smothy, it has been all along, we are just the minority that is at least self-aware enough to not succomb to the mainstream LBS script. i.e. No loss. I deserve better. Plenty o fish in the sea. etc.

So this is the hard road, but the high road, stick to it.

Thanks Zeus - really need to crash, sleep. Teething, L-ing, WW spew, etc has exhausted me this week. I am looking forward to next week - holiday. Get back to ya. I've had an epiphany that has changed my life, well at least for tonight anyway.

Enjoy your joy my friend.

Have a good holiday, Pyrite.

A few posts in this thread and Zues thread has given me food for thought. I am feeling more optimistic about my life without H. Spoke to my DB coach this week and even entertained the idea of not wanting to be 'friends'. At BD, I considered any contact was better than nothing at all.

Its fantastic how this forum has allowed me to revaluate some of my thinking and given me a glimpse through my own 'fog'

Ms Vanilla, it is going to take me even longer. I am way behind on updating my sitch and so much has happened. Have to first get this down and work through the stories with this DB audience, myself included. Sharpens my perspective.

I can wait!

V

OK so where to start.

Taking this firm stance, L-ing on custody/re-location situation, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, for my moving on, well this round anyway. It has been the biggest 180 possible, but I think the real benefit is that it has given me back some self-respect. And from that I have renewed strength to grow through this.

Last week I copped an earful from the Mrs over this issue. She insisted that I was doing this out of hate to punish her (and that I have no rights WRT her children – just spew). Anyway, I was writing her a letter to explain. I have written a lot of letters to her that I haven't discussed. It doesn't really comply with NC and breaks Sandi's rules, but it is who I am, and who I have always been. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I write obsessively. I always have, on both counts.

Anyway, I haven't really broken the 37 commandments. In spirit anyway. This D is not going to be busted by any LRT. My life, and any chance of R is best served I think by what I have discussed with my W, even though it hasn't always been well received. Effectively I am Dbing her I suppose, trying to calm her from this adversarial position that has been cultivated.

The other night when I was writing the letter after the kids went to bed I had an epiphany (Zeus – I promised I would expand). I had written to Smothy about letting go, and specifically identifying issues that we couldn't let go of, one at a time, and then exploring why we couldn't.

One issue for me that keeps resurfacing is that W shows no remorse and won't even acknowledge that bringing OM into our girls lives and into OUR house has been disrespectful. Generally her behaviour since before BD actually has been really cold and hurtful.

I do forgive her for “ending” the marriage, or at least wanting to. But I am constantly telling myself that she should have handled things differently, maybe even tried to R, but at least not have treated me this way.

So I thought, “well lets imagine that she did handle everything the way I imagine would make this all better/easier to deal with”. Really imagine hard and live with this. After only a little while of living this delusional life I started to feel better. When I reverted to reality and worked through it again – I still felt much better. After imagining the other reality, I could see what really happened more objectively, “detached”. No real surprise there as this is what I have experienced everytime I have detached another rung on the ladder. I have spoken about this “phenomenon” I keep experiencing before.

Monday morning we had change over in the house because I was flying out. W was at the door 20 minutes early! I had planned to be ready and leave straight away, but I wasn't ready at all and so we started talking, arguing.

For the first time she now admits she is in love with OM. But she insists that she would be leaving even if he wasn't around. I know what she means, but we might've had another chance if OM wasn’t on the scene. Anyway, discussion went for 40 minutes. It had some very nasty moments, but on the whole I think it was very good for me and for us. The important part I mentioned on Smothy's thread I absolutely doubt it would've gone where it did, or I would've got as much out of it if I HAD scripted it, or rehearsed what I was going to say.

I wrote her a follow up letter to apologize for things getting out of hand on Monday morning, and on that morning I did say some things I promised myself I wouldn’t. ALSO I had to clarify the L stance – although I have already advised her to see a L as it is not my position.

I again told her my position that I forgive her and although it is true that I want her back, my telling her that I love her or forgive her is not a “contolling” strategy. It may have been “the old me”, but now I want her to be her, and me, me. I can be me and love her. If she cant be her and love me, then I don’t want that anyway. She said thank-you. And for the first time I believe it is genuine. There is a genuine “truce” between us and potentially being friends one day is not inconceivable. It follows that I can imagine a romance blossoming in the future, BUT I am not fixated on that possibility.