One of things I told my wife is that I am only willing to give this one chance. If she has further (non disclosed) contact with OM, then I am out of here. I love her and am willing to humiliate myself for the sake of our M, but it's a one shot deal. Not sure if that's too harsh, but it's how I feel.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Totally agree that she will have withdrawals and that she was emotionally invested. She says that she is extremely angry and disillusioned with OM now because of the destruction that A caused. As much as I blame my wife for all that has happened, I also realize that she will have to go through a grieving process as well.
Any advice on how to negotiate the upcoming stages would be most appreciated.
BINGO
Think of everything that has happened as training for the next few stages. Boundaries are very important as well as figuring out how to rebuild your marriage and a new relationship. Things can not go back to whatever led to this.
Kramer, wish the best of luck to you going forward. While you may still have a long road ahead of you the conversation between you and W sounds extremely promising. Take things slow and keep expectations down.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
If she is all in , and not just pulling the ripcord because things did not pan out you will know. I would advise on limited R talks, save the issues and that stuff for the MC sessions, like Cadet said .. I would focus more on STFU, GAL, PMA and continue the 180's.
You will need to set some boundaries here, now is the time while momentum is in your favor. Like Cadet mentioned, whatever lead to this ... you both had a hand in, you need to get to those issues and address them to avoid this in the future... that's where I am currently so I have no tips n tricks .. just wish you the best.
Thank you so much for the well wishes from all of you. This site has been a lifesaver during this horrible period. I am so thankful and humbled here.
Newest updates:
Still maintaining open communication with each other. Still NC with OM, as far as I know. I am starting to realize how emotionally invested she was, and how miserable she has been over the past 6 months. She has been taking Benadryl and drinking wine on a daily basis just to get to sleep. She has been anxious, sad, lonely, and afraid. It sounds like OM started pullback even earlier than I thought.
She has been very emotional and tearful over the past few days. She is profusely apologetic with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to work. She feels used and ashamed by her actions, and says she is furious with OM. She told me that she feels like she represented a challenge to him, and that he has moved on to his next challenge. Of course, all of this true to a certain extent, but she needs to realize that she is responsible for her own actions.
One of the things she keeps repeating is that she did not know that everybody would hate her for what she did. She did not expect her bio children to side with me. She is now realizing how affairs affect everybody in your life. I let her cry, I hold her, and I validate her feelings. I do not tell her it's all ok. She needs to feel this pain. However, I am kind and non-judgmental.
Her youngest child (17) told her that she's damn lucky that I took her back, that I'm the best person for her, and that she "better not screw this up". That was nice to hear.
I can see how this process is frustrating and scary as well. There are so many raw emotions for both of us. I love her and I will do whatever it takes, but I'm also still quite wary and hurt. I'm mature enough to realize that limerance is what she felt, but it's still painful thinking about the 2 of them together, and how hurt and alone I was. I wonder which song on the radio was "their song", or if he was a better lover than I was. Were their conversations deeper? Was he funnier or kinder? You get the gist of it. I keep these things to myself, and work on acceptance.
Time will tell what happens. For now, things are still moving ahead in a good manner. Divorce will be withdrawn on Friday. Baby steps...
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
She has been very emotional and tearful over the past few days. She is profusely apologetic with me and is willing to do whatever it takes to work.
This is all script, you seem to be handling it well. Listening is key. Just understand while the worst may be over, she is not yet done and whole and healed.
Originally Posted By: Kramer
Divorce will be withdrawn on Friday. Baby steps...
Sounds really good!
Please keep your expectations low and your boundaries in place.
Doing well Kramer... As Cadet foreshadows stay your course she will go through OM withdrawals.... You know these emotions well as you have gone through them... Anger,sadness,confusion,betrayal,depression... Then you will need to start thinking about how to fix what landed you both 'here'
You have your pains and all that, have to keep a lock on it for now, in due time you can work that stuff out
