Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My story pt 2

I thought the same about my W. But I've come to realize that it isn't the quantity of time with my girls that's important, it's quality of time. They were getting 30-50% parenting from both of us all the time. I've learned to become an 80-90% parent all of the time that I'm with them. I recommend you keep looking for ways to make your time with your D as meaningful as possible.

As for your W, I wouldn't waste your energy judging her and her actions. Just because it doesn't appear to you that's she's given an honest effort doesn't mean that she hasn't. I wouldn't focus on the what ifs and the whys. Instead focus on the how and there is a lot you can learn. Implement the changes to you. You never know how W will react.

Thanks Matt, I know lately I have definitely been focusing on the quality of time with my D2. I guess it shouldn't surprise me but my W is a teacher and she gets her all day during the summer and her initial request was I only see her every other weekend and on Wednesday's until the D is final; then it moves to joint custody. I feel like she is trying to bully me into expediting the D so i'm not missing on time with my D2

I see what you are saying about judging her actions, it's just hard to see how she thinks she has given it an honest effort. She was still emotionally connected to OM, and still may be! Yet she thinks she gave this, she gave us, a chance??

I really needed to hear "focus on the how and there is a lot you can learn. Implement the changes to you. You never know how W will react." this is something I definitely needed to read.

Kembo - what I mean is that your W probably thinks she gave an "honest effort" before the A. It's not like she tripped and found herself in bed with another man. Surely, she weighed your M carefully and decided it was best for her. So there's no point in expecting her to give any effort for at NOW. What's different from before the A?

You need to take the time and implement the changes for you. That way if she realizes she does want to be M to you, that you can be in a position to make it work.

Very true. Only thing different from before the A is I am a 100% better father. I wasn't a bad father before, but I was more hands off, I am all about my D2 now and nothing brightens my day more than spending time with her.

I also have started to GAL outside of our marriage; new friends, helping with church, etc.

She has noticed both things and it has affected her to an extent. Right now I think it is mainly bitterness that I wasn't like that beforehand

Sure - but there's no way your W will trust any of these changes as permanent...yet. That's the beauty of the divorce process. It's slowwwwwwww. So keep on doing what you're doing. Focus on the 180s. Focus on your D. Focus on you.

Your W is watching. Don't believe her WORDS.

This. These were things I always did but last couple of years allowed to drift. This is why I keep banging on about the 'old' NDY. He's not the guy she left. I don't know who the guy she left was or how he took over my body but there you go.

Hey Kem,

Praying for you bud. I understand completely the turmoil you are in. I feel the same way about my XW willingly giving up time with her kids for SELFISH reasons. The kids pick up on it too. Mine certainly have. My D sometimes wants to listen to sad songs cause she misses her Mama.

Unfortunately, that happens when we allow our feelings dictate our actions. It's not very often that good things result from it as humans are often inherently selfish.

I agree Bravo. I think it shows the power of deception. She is completely consumed by her selfishness and it still overwhelms me because my wife has always been the opposite of selfish. I am amazed at how quick a person can change. I know it wasn't overnight and she probably had some of this brewing for quite some time; but the person I see now isn't the person I married.

I am trying to have hope that she can change for the better just as fast as she changed for the worse.

NDY what do you mean about not knowing the guy your W left? Are you saying that person isn't truly who you are now?

On another note, she said she was OK to continue going to counseling together, she said she thought it was important for me to get things off of my chest and to tell her things I have held in. I simply said I didn't want to go to counseling for an avenue for my to get stuff off my chest. She back pedaled from that statement and said she wanted to keep going so we could learn to communicate effectively so we could have cordial conversations about our D2 during and after the D. I wanted to scream at her and say "why couldn't we work on this before you decided to file for D?!?!" but I kept my mouth shut

I told her I was OK to continue counseling but I told her I didn't want to use it as an avenue to become friends. I was polite and respectful about it, but I told her I don't want to be friends with her if she continues down this path; this isn't what friends do to each other. I told her I would be cordial and respectful about our D2, but I will not be her friend"

She then started talking about our "relationship" after D and I had to tell her again we won't have a relationship. We will communicate and see each other because of D2, but there will be no relationship if this is what she chooses to do.

Kembo -

Your words toward W are good, I think.

I'm just worried about your attitude right now. Nothing has ACTUALLY changed. So your W filed for D. So what? It's not an action with any real meaning - you can revoke that pretty easily. All it does is start a clock to when you are officially divorced. How is your life ACTUALLY any different from three days ago? If you consider the BD to be the divorce timing, you are really already divorced! You're already fired! So what difference do the legal formalities make?