Today has been tough. Took the day off to spend with the kids and anytime I let my guard down the WW reminds me this is over and she has no feelings for me. Its hard not to react so I got in my car and took a drive. When I got home she had taken the kids to a neighbors to swim.
WW texted me I was invited and feeling the sting of her earlier comments I replied: So you can ignore me and make me feel like a loser...no thanks.
I regret sending it now but how do I avoid these little pitfalls? I feel like two steps forward giant leap back.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
Today has been tough. Took the day off to spend with the kids and anytime I let my guard down the WW reminds me this is over and she has no feelings for me. Its hard not to react so I got in my car and took a drive. When I got home she had taken the kids to a neighbors to swim.
WW texted me I was invited and feeling the sting of her earlier comments I replied: So you can ignore me and make me feel like a loser...no thanks.
I regret sending it now but how do I avoid these little pitfalls? I feel like two steps forward giant leap back.
Hi Max. Hope you don't mind me dropping by. If you find the answer to ^this, can you share your secret? I still make the same mistakes.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
So my mistake led to a series of texts (another mistake) where the WW opened up about the wall she built over the years surrounding my constant need for reassurance. WW thought that D was inevitable since I could not get past the first time she had an EA.
I replied with how shocked I was that she could just flip the switch on us.(knowing she had encouragement from the OM).
WW sent back that she became cold and guarded before finally deciding to be done with the R. She will try to be respectful of my feelings at all times.
I ended it with: I will be fine. I am truly sorry for any pain I caused you.
Confession: I did not disclose WW has done this once before for fear of judgment. 7 years ago I discovered she had connected with another old flame via facebook. I threated to leave and she ended it. The EA lasted about 3 months and was strictly texts. I was insecure and become controlling in fear of losing her.
So 7 years of me being insecure and not dealing with the A in a healthy manner drove her away.
Regardless, I love her. I hate that I love her...but I do.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
Regardless, I love her. I hate that I love her...but I do.
BOOM. That's how I feel. It's [cencored] but true.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Regardless, I love her. I hate that I love her...but I do.
BOOM. That's how I feel. It's [cencored] but true.
I think this is why we are all here. It's easy to run, to give up, to quit on the M. Any of us could do that at any time. But we're here. It's the tough road, but it's the only way to have a chance at righting this thing.
No question this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Dealing with my WW is like playing with a Rubik's Cube (showing my age). Just when I think I have it figured out, it changes.
Really working on no expectations - but they loom in the back of my mind.
I guess if I'm doing this I should listen to the Pro's and buckle down.
WW keeps talking about getting a job and when she told me last night that she didn't need my help I asked her about it...that went over like a fart at church.
Maybe the reality of a job and no more gravy train will wake her up a bit. Sadly our pool will be lonely. lol
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
Very glad to get back to work. An idol mind gets me in trouble. No contact with the WW other than sharing a few pics from the flooded roads this morning and to see if the kids had school. (I live in Houston)
Called my Mom to wish her a Happy Birthday only to find out she has lung cancer. I won't know the true diagnosis for a few days as they need to run more tests. Needless to say this was a bummer to what had been a solid day with little to no mind drift.
Got home and told the WW the news with out a complete breakdown. I did not become needy or try to use it as emotional leverage. She hugged me and started talking about how my Mother should seek treatment here and stay with us?
I didn't say a word and said I would talk to her more when we had more details regarding treatment.
Several hours later WW asks if I can write her a check for D8's dance/tumbling lessons. I let her know that I already transferred in the exact amount needed into our old account and if there was something else I would write a check out to the particular institution.
I did not ask about her job status or how her day was.
I'm at the point where I think this is all backwards and she should be chasing & begging me. To be honest, I am a great guy who always provided and took care of my family. I carried the burden of financial responsibility for 15 years so the WW could stay home and troll ex's on facebook.
If she can't see what is in front of her face, I can't help that. My Mother's news of cancer put this into perspective for me. I'm really not mad...just a little over it all.
Life is short - live life like there is no tomorrow.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
