Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Teacher needs to become the pupil

Thank you for that advice. I didn't think about it making him feel manipulated.

I ordered the books,tried my best to get on with my day but have spent the past couple of hours crying. I feel out of control.

Hi Teach. I am so sorry that you are on here, but it is the absolute best place to be! It's okay to feel out of control and sad. I too have been with my H for 23 years and he, out of the blue, said that he wasn't happy.

It takes patience and the willingness to reach out for support. That was very difficult for me in the beginning because I tend to be a private person. I've learned my journey is a lot easier because I have the people on here.

Just make sure that when you talk to him, that you keep a PMA and with your children, just reassure them that no matter what, THEY will be okay.

*hugs*
E

Thank you Eirinn. Just like you I'm a very private person. It has been a roller coaster the last couple of weeks. I cry at work, I cry when I get home, I'm crying right now. I don't like people knowing my business but I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I read some of your thread. Your a strong lady. I'm going be following your story.

This morning has been so hard.I just want him to talk to me. Right now he will only answer text about our son or finances.

I don't understand how he can be so cold. How do you stop talking to someone you have been in love with 28 years, over night?

He has said we are not divorcing, but I don't understand what he is thinking. Does he expect me to stay in limbo forever?

I read somewhere yesterday that 79% of separated couples divorce. I hate statistics. I learned from going through cancer to look at the flip side...so 21% percent reconcile.

I just want hope and he won't even give me a crumb.

The biggest thing you need to do right now is to get what you need from you. He is lost and confused and doesn't even know what he wants. Go out and do something fun for yourself today. GAL will help. Also if you haven't heard it yet, believe nothing he says and only 50% of what he does.

You will get through this!


Hugs

Hello teach -
I want to start by saying you are not alone. There's 200+ some threads on here in the last month all with a similar story. As Eirinn said, there is no better place to talk about your troubles, your pains, your hopes, your goals, etc.

So I get what you're feeling. When my wife dropped the bomb on me, I cried too. Like all the time. Afret I few days, I realized that I was still alive. I was still a functioning father of two wonderful girls with a good job and a nice house. I realized that I can SURVIVE by myself without my W. I realized that while I don't want to divorce my W, I don't NEED the M.

With that knowledge in mind, I set to work on me. Slowly, I've been detaching and unwinding myself from my W. I've gone out with friends, gone to meetup groups to meet new friends, and spent more time with my family. Ive started doing my 180s - being more positive, doing more housework, spending higher quality time with my girls, etc. and you know what, I'm finding that I miss the companionship, I miss the closeness, I miss the partnership of having my W. But I'm also so much happier with myself than I was when we were together. I have a lot of work to do still, but I can feel myself turning into the 2.0 version of myself.

Ok. so. What's my point? Take the advice in the welcome thread seriously. They really are the key to getting through this. Read the rules - they aren't a trick for getting your H back. They are a way of getting your self-worth back. Start to detach. Start to lead your life for you.

You are strong enough. You can do it.

Teach - A few tips

1. Your H is not the man you fell in love with. He is lost and confused. Talking will not bring him back - your actions will be far more powerful than words.
2. Read and re-read the rules, thread on detaching and the LRT, and most important GAL.
3. Use this time to focus on yourself - this is challenging but an important step in the process. Set some short term goals and keep the DB book close.
4. Have no expectations and don't look for any crumbs.
5. Be patient and mysterious. Do something nice for yourself and smile.

We don't choose to ride this rollercoaster but we can decide when to get off.

Something I read every morning:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you Eirrinn. I'm off work today so I have been very focused on him. I'm going to try my best to flip it and focus on me and my son.

Your daughters are fortunate they have such a caring, strong dad. I love what you said not "needing" the marriage. I have to unravel myself from him. I have spent years at home taking care of everything while he worked away. We would plan to make everything fun and perfect when daddy came home. It seems so ridiculous now.

I have to 180 for myself.