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I watched it too - inspiring. I loved it!

Msd that is what I see and understand. HeavyD clearly agrees as will many others.

Passive aggressive assistant? Two faced as well.

As long as you are there Msd, you are the director of operations. I would have been tempted to say "you are aware I am in this room, these are the worksheets I want to us, Fish it out of the bin and copy it to put it back".

"I no longer want you in my classroom, and I will see if that can be achieved".

There might have been a few invectives too.

As you say it probably isn't worth making the point with only two Mondays to go.

What did you mean that your exL was hung up on your guy?

V

Sorry that part was unclear. My h's lawyer hung up on my current lawyer. I thought that my last lawyer was being careless with her vagueness about who his lawyer was, but now I realize it is h's lawyer that is scant with giving info and doesn't like when someone else is leading the conversation. She hung up on my new lawyer because she didn't like what he was saying. My lawyer was stunned. I googled his lawyer. Not much info on her. She is part of a tiny firm, just her and her spouse I am guessing. No website. And employment law seems to be their specialty. My guys focus solely on matrimony custody and family. I'm feeling very good. I feel the shift in power. Whether real or imagined it makes me feel like I'm getting some power back.

Thank you for that.

Met with my lawyer today. Apparently his lawyer is continuing to carry on in a strange unorthodox way. Giving deadlines on returning documents that she never sends. Trying to intimidate my lawyer into going along with things that make no sense.

Still no petition of divorce. I really don't understand what the hold up is. Unless they are trying to bait me. I get the sense that H has been trying. He has been leaving his phone out while he goes out for a smoke, but watching me. I have been good. I still slip and feel the need to express my opinions about things, but I realize now that there is a method to the madness he and his lawyer (and probably OW) have created. Time to let go. So my lawyer is giving them until the end of the day, and then we are going to serve him with the petition I signed today. I feel ready to move on. It is time for me to bury the marriage I thought I had. It is time for me to accept that the man I married is dead--and the imposter is not someone worth my time. Mourn and move on.

I went to a step meeting for alanon this week and it was step one. When I started going to meetings a year ago I thought step one was a no brainer, but I realized this week that I understand it cognitively but I don't really accept it as truth. I also realized that while I never considered myself as controlling, which is why I thought I had step one down pat--accept the things I can't control--I always seemed to take responsibility for things that had nothing to do with me. Which in a way was believe I had control over things that had nothing to do with me. For example, if someone is in a bad mood, I always wonder what I did to cause it. Or even with this job, I am finally just accepting that it isn't so much my failure and inadequacy, as it was an impossible situation set up for failure. Of course it seems like such a humble and selfless way to be--everything in the world is my fault--however, it is also a very self-centered way of thinking. Why do I think everything has to do with me?

So in a way, while I never thought of myself as controlling, my need to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong is telling myself that I am in control of everything that happens. So, the very important piece that is lacking in my step one work--is the ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that there are so many things that are beyond my control. That means that not everything is my fault. It also means that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about those things. I have to let go, and focus on me.

It really felt like a breakthrough. For the first time I think I get why the first step is a struggle. i thought it was easy--a no brainer--but that's because I really didn't get it. I also believed that I came into the program ready for step four. The first three seemed so easy. I am sure I will discover more surprises as I work my way through them. It really was an eye opening experience to realize that I really didn't "get it". I still don't quite get it, but at least now I realize that I don't.

No anxiety. Anger is still there, but it feels a touch less intense and powerful today. Maybe I am on my way.

Msd

I am really pleased about the 12 steps program, in essence I believe it fits beautifully with DB.

I see step 1 as detachment plus. Acceptance to me was a big deal and it helped me breathe quite a lot more easily. I felt unburdened if that makes sense, in many ways I felt connected to the continuum of the 12 step room and the beginning of my higher power.

Despite all I achieve my first tiny door open to Serenity. It was an important moment and a milestone on my recovery road. I am sure there will be many more.

You don't have to let go Msd but you can choose to do it.

I am so happy for you.

V

I completely understand what you are saying about step one being detachment +. It also makes sense how the advice on these boards and in the books--DR and DB--is that the changes are for me (you), not for WAS. I was reading in one of my alanon books regarding step one, and one thing that struck me was how when we make changes we invoke changes in others--however we have no control over what those changes will be, and they may not be the changes we want. That was another eye opening realization for me. That was what caused me to slip with my DBing before. Because I notice some positive changes in him based on my changes--but there were also some new changes that I was not expecting and not happy about. It made me give up on my own changes because--hey it isn't working. He isn't becoming who I want him to be. But by me giving up on my changes and reverting to old behaviors it created even more negative changes in both of us.

There is nothing I can do to change him. I can't change his heart. I can't change his choices. I can't change his priorities, or his morals, or his beliefs. I have no control over anything he does. I have control over what I do--for the most part. I need help from my higher power to stay on the right track because sometimes I struggle with letting my emotions take over and falling into my default behaviors.

But I can make the decision to trust God with all of those things that are out of my hands and let my emotions run through me without acting or reacting. I can't be perfect, but I can make the decision to try my best.

I decided I am going to try and get kids into family counseling with me. I need help knowing what to do. I have read all of the dos and don'ts of parenting during this crisis and I have stumbled repeatedly. I don't even know what is right anymore. It makes sense in theory, but in practice it is difficult. Emotions get in the way. I need help, and the kids need help. We are not doing right by them. I am sure H will not be on board, but I am doing it for them, and for me.

I am also going to continue with my IC. It is starting to help--I am taking my 12 step work with me when I go to her. I feel less crazy right now. Knowing that my job is almost over is helping. I can't say that I'm quite so hopeful right now. The future is still so uncertain and scary. But I am certainly not feeling as hopeless as I was a couple of weeks ago.

Wow, it great to see while you have that stuck feeling that things are happening at a snail pace in the d dept. you seem to be moving and that takes time.

Good to read your doing much better, and just keep moving forward it will help with hope and mood in the future.

I was out picking strawberries and OW came careening around our parking lot. There were kids playing and she came around like a bat of hell. She was dropping off a neighbor, another one of H's coworkers. Then she sped away. Normally when someone tears around like that all of the moms and dads out side get on the person's case. It is almost always delivery people who are so careless. This is someone who should know better--but seeing me I guess took precedence over the safety of the children. Am I being catty? Maybe a little. But still Jeez slow down. Am I really that intimidating that you have to put kids in danger.

Anyway, I ended up once again trying to appeal to his decency which probably doesn't exist. I don't think I was trying to control. i wasn't even angry, maybe a bit pleading. He said nothing, but he didn't walk away. He listened--I think. I asked him if he will ever let me know the truth about what was going on with her and when it started. His responses were the political non-responses--There is nothing to say about that. I don't know. I kept going. I was calm. I told him that I get it now, this is over. Even the infidelity I think we could have figured out how to work through, but the most recent betrayal he pulled--something I would rather not discuss here. To what end?

I get it now. The marriage is over. But if that is what the goal is than why--after three months of when you claimed you filed the petition--have a still not been served? What are you waiting for? I mentioned that I think we need to get the kids into family therapy because we both made mistakes, and this is so hard to navigate. I said I don't even care if he wants to be with her, but at least have the decency to wait until the marriage is really over. Don't have her come around my home. Don't have her come to my son's games. This is my home. I lived here for 10 years. My friends have become these neighbors who are your coworkers, and now I don't know who knows what and who is saying what. And I know she is talking a lot more trash then he even knows. Why drag her in to our family disputes? Why call her at all when you are at home--you spent the whole day with her. The kids ask why you are always together at school. S's friends have been giving him a hard time about it. Why can't we just end this in the proper way? Why does someone else need to be brought in? Now it is to the point that every choice you make seems manipulated by her. And I don't understand what crazy games your lawyer is playing.

I cried. He really seemed to listen. His expression softened as I went on. I felt like he was hearing me and understanding. Not that I was changing his mind about anything, but that he was starting to understand why this is so much harder for me and the kids than it needs to be. When I finished speaking we looked at each other.

And he said...
"Are you picking up D or am I."

And I am ok with that. Maybe I will kick myself later for once again letting him in too much. Letting him see too much of my pain. Giving him more ammo for the future. Showing him all of my cards. I'm not playing a game. That is the big difference between us. I always let myself be vulnerable, and I never expect anyone to use it against me. But that is exactly what he has been doing. The one person who even 7 months ago I never thought would put me in danger. Even when he didn't want me anymore, even when we were fighting, I never felt unsafe with him. But as soon as I discovered and started talking nasty about OW it was like his main goal became making me suffer.

I don't know what will happen next. Things are already so bad and I don't think I did anything to make it worse.

Msd

Hugs

If it were me in future I would just say" I am no fool, I know what is going on with OW as do you. Stop the lies"

And walk away. You got this Msd.

Detach

Breathe, it's going to unravel.


V