Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's been two weeks...

Hi Dif,

I'm new here like yourself so don't have a ton of advice, but based on the above it would seem like there are a few immediate, somewhat easy 180's you could start to implement? They're petty IMO, but perception is reality right? I can say that I've recently started to update my wardrobe and if nothing else it's been good retail therapy.

And another similarity; for the majority of my M/R I was traveling for work about 60% of the year. I can't say my new non traveling job is the cause of my situation, but things did seem to get worse once I was home all of the time. Can you work on getting out of the house more frequently to start giving space?

Okay, so not counting the points that obviously don't have any merit, are some of the complaints she has valid? Be brutally honest with yourself.

"Her "complaints" now are that we don't have enough in common,"

Is that true?

"I don't dress well,"

Is this true?

"we aren't compatible, she lied to herself that she loved me..."

This part is the stuff to ignore.

"oh, and I didn't fold my clothes properly"

True?

"and sometimes let food go bad..."

True?

"(translation: I'm lazy and I don't value her financial contributions.)"

That's mindreading on your part, I don't know you, but from what you wrote, i have know idea how you assumed she thought that from your dressing bad, etc.

however you mentioning the financial contribution is interesting. Have you not praised her for that?

Thanks for all the responses. Wonka, good to meet you and let me know I'm in good "gay" company here. Jedi79... yes, I've already implemented the easy 180s, and I have found another workspace outside the house to get to as often as possible. So it's a start. MrBond, I don't believe for a minute we aren't compatible, but yeah... I have let things slip in the wardrobe and appearance department... another 180 I've addressed. I actually wasn't mindreading about the petty things, because we talked about them and got to the bottom of what was bothering her about those two issues. And because not folding clothes properly conjures up memories of her mother calling such people lazy, and because letting food go bad (remember, socialist upbringing) costs money... these were petty expressions of deeper issues. Mind you... we were only talking about my laying clothes over a chair in a small corner of our bedroom, I'm actually a very good housekeeper. And the food is the occasional avocado or bag of greens. But I took her concerns seriously and have changed my ways there, too.

She was not lying to herself in this relationship. Hers was the most sure love I've ever known. I think it's just everything has come to a head and she can't see clearly now. She came to bed last night and put her arms around me, said she was so conflicted, and such a mess. I said I know, and went to sleep.

The trigger for what I think is a mid-life crisis here has been a financial situation that seems so uncertain for her. So today I proposed we buy a small fixer-upper with cash and rent out our home here (we are investors and have 12 rentals already, so it would be easy to do). Although this is probably against the rules, I wanted to see where things would go... the stress has been too much. Since this immediately addresses the crux of the stress, she was quick to start looking up properties on the MLS, and later told me that I brought her a sense of peace today with this plan. So all the talk is of our new house, our finances, doing the rehab, taking care of each other... but, this isn't stopping the incessant texting or her seeming hellbent intent to continue with this other woman - and I know the plan is for them to take it from emotional to physical after our son graduates from high school and moves out next month. What to make of this?

So, it's been a little over two weeks since the BD. She is acting like a child, as they all do, of course. And I'm reading the book and reading the threads, and practicing detachment that unnerves her to a certain extent. The other night, she went to the OW house for a film discussion. I went out before she left (she called, I didn't answer) and stayed out till after she got home. She must have asked me five times where I'd been, then told me the film had her rethinking what happiness really means. I said I was glad she found it helpful, then went to bed. She followed and held me and said she was a mess. I said, I know, and went to sleep.

Last night, we had a networking event together. In the car we discussed downsizing and moving to a new place, this as a strategy to calm the frantic nature of everything else that's been going on. All this talk of a future together... with this comment thrown in... "but we'll be friends and roommates, right? If I want to see other people, that's okay?" I said, "You know where I stand."

Regardless, she still insists we are done as a couple, but does NOT want us to live apart. What does that mean? And it seems, she wants affection from me, period. When we got home, she curled up beside me on the couch. I didn't resist... should I have? Although I did ask what she was doing. She said it just felt good and safe. Talk turned to her affair being like an addiction, to her texts being like crack, dopamine hits... she agreed, then asked how she could stop. I told her I'd send her information about it... but should I?

Is she really asking for help because she's seeing this as destructive, or is there no rationalizing with her at this point? She says we are "done," but the last thing she wants is for me to be out of her life. We are working together in our office this morning, and she's not picked up the phone to read or send a text once... a two week long record! Sigh...it's hard to navigate these confusing waters.

RT threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=32447

Also please stick to one thread until 100 posts.
Thanks

Diff,



Shirley Glass' site has a quiz that asks if it is just friends or one has veered into EA territory. Not sure if your W will take the quiz or she probably will AND discount the results.

Thanks Wonka! I've confirmed the EA, have known about it pretty much since the BD... and she seems determined to take it to the next level after our younger son graduates from high school next month. That's when she says she plans to move to the spare bedroom. Although, she clearly enjoys sleeping beside me, so we'll see. But then, sometimes she waffles, and does things like asks how to stop this "addiction." At least in my presence, which might just be a facade. She is acting very much like an addict. While I'm not willing to live in an open marriage, I know that I could survive an affair, no matter how painful.. provided in the course of it she'd come to her senses and there was hope for genuine reconciliation. I can't tell if she's stringing me along, stringing her along, or just so screwed up there's no telling. I just hope I'm doing mostly the right things... because I do love her, and I want to make it work.

Ugh... doing the wrong things today. She had lunch with the OW (not that she told me, I just asked her) and came home feeling "more settled" about things... in other words, no longer interested in our plans for downsizing, because the OW basically talked her out of it. "I've been very clear with you, we're not getting back together." I got defensive and told her the OW is the last person she should be getting advice from... dumb, dumb, dumb. Why is it so hard to just follow these simple rules???

Diff,

What has worked for me and many others is not to acknowledge the OW/OM. No speaking about, of, by, in/out...of the OW. The only way you speak up is stating the "not willing to live in an open M" boundary and asking that they don't phone/text OW while in the house.

What are your 180s to some of the legitimate complaints?

What are your GAL plans?

I also would encourage you to read other threads and post in them. You learn quite bit in reading other threads and lending your support. We've developed some real good virtual friendships here. Don't be a shyster...