Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hi she is not feeling "it" anymore

She works from home and pays for her phone.
i understand the living alittle due the fact she had a sick mother to help with and worry about, i encouraged her to but an affair is going too far.

I hope you will take the time to read those links Cadet has posted. It sounds as if you are doing a good job.

Besides her sleeping in a different room, has anything else changed in the family routine? Do you still share family events and celebrate holidays together, etc.? If so, how is the interaction between you? How much of the housework do you do, and how much does she do? Who mainly takes care of the kids? What about the weekends? What's the usual routine?

I want to encourage you to read about setting boundaries.

She is going through a crises, and putting you through one, too. It must have been terrible losing both mothers in a short period of time. Did she have her surgery before or after her mom died? Had been overweight most of her adult life?

If she was always overweight, then she may not know how to handle the male attention and has gone a little crazy with it. The first A induced certain feelings, and now she craves that feeling. She may be in contact with more than just one man. This is a thrill for her, feeds her ego, and it is also dangerous.

I can identify with the online stuff, and was in an Internet A when I first came here. I can tell you that she won't "feel it" for you as long as she's involved in this sort of activity. Even if it makes for a good soap opera story line, most women just don't feel in love with more than one man at a time. However, she may get so messed up that she starts playing around with more than one man at a time. Doesn't mean she loves them, she's just experiencing having this new, sexy body.....and being a girl gone wild. She is probably in for a big crash landing, sometime down the line.

My question is do you know where your boundary lines are drawn? What would it take to be the deal breaker for you? If you aren't sure, then you need to think carefully about it. I have a feeling this could get much worse, before getting better. I am so sorry for you and the kids, and I'm sorry for her too. All of what she's experienced could have something to do with what's happening now. It doesn't justify her behavior, but sometimes the LBS would like to just understand "why". You may never fully know, but you can get support here...if you'll stay with us.

Hi Mrrch!

I've just joined the board as well, sorry to see you here, too. I have already found some great info and ideas in the links, and having a course of action is always a good feeling.

While I was reading through your thread, I was thinking along the lines of what Sandi2 wrote above.

Did W or the two of you get any counseling in connection with her gastric bypass? It is a huge life change and counseling should be an integral part of the transition.

Also, losing both of your mothers is a very traumatic and life-changing event. It is not unusual for couples to divorce after the loss of a close family member.

It sounds to me, too, like she is addicted to the excitement of what she's into. It's sad, because it's a destructive path that doesn't do anything for one's character. One thing I think has worked for me when it comes to H's affair, is that I got him to tell me about it by being very quiet and asking open questions without judgment. I then talked about it very calmly and unemotionally now and then, with the quiet purpose of making it less secret (=exciting). He didn't like it much, but I think pulling things out into broad daylight takes a lot of the mystery and attraction away.

She did get counciling thru the bariatric group and had seen a therapist previously.
My mother passed away in 2006 and hers in 2012
Her mom was divorced and her dad was out of the picture very early.
He reconnected with her after her mom passed in 2012 and he stopped the contact again (2 times douche)
Her 2 aunts also stopped being in contact after mom died.
She is lost right now

I do a lot of the work (don't really mind)
I get the kids ready for school,make lunches.
She gets them to school and picks them up.
Housing cleaning is 50/50
I usually do groceries with the kids.
I have stopped doing her business groceries ( she bakes)
I have stopped helping her bake.
I have stopped washing her dishes for her business.
I only do my laundry and the kids laundry.
I enjoy spending time with the kids.
I had given up a lot of my hobbies but have been getting back into them.
I have detached I think, gone dark,not being so available.
I will answer texts with quick answers.
I say thank you when it is called for (she made dinner last night)
I can say I got caught up in appeasing her requests (ie get me a drink,do my laundry,pick this up for me,take care of this cake pickup,clean my dishes)

Mother's Day was tough.
No card or gift from me , only from the kids.
I only posted on Facebook about missing our mothers.
Would have loved to shower her with praise and flowers.

Hi Mrrch,

I know what you mean about Mother's Day. I think you handled it prefectly.

Hang in there and stick with us.

Bob

We had a chat moments ago.
I asked if she had seated any one and if she thought it was okay to do in a relationship. She said no and no.
She said I was being an [censored] for locking our toy box and she foundation list of expenses I had written down that she spent on her last trip to Mexico last month.
She said again how she can't do this anymore, brought up how I wasn't there for her when her mother died, how controlling of finances I had been in the past, how I always had to get my way,how we were roommates,etc.
I said I am willing to work on this and I have not given up.
Reiterated I am not leaving the house or kids.
I said if you are wanting change it is in her hands.
I may have forced the issue a little but I asked if she had started planning how to leave.
Just got an angry response of "I gave up my job, how do I afford to do it?"
Some talk of how to split up assets that she got angry about.
Just angry about the reality of it all I think.
I said marriage is hard and we should fight for it due to having kids.
She said she tried, and tried again.
Apparently I should have gotten over her affair quickly.
I'm in a holding pattern for now.

Thoughts, suggestions?

I know you have younger kids however what would you do if your teenager acted this way?

What would be your response and what would be your boundary?