Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers drop the rope- part II

Zephyr - sorry to hear about the bad dream. That makes it tough to get the morning.

As far as your wife's interactions with your kids, I've found when that happens, if I'm calm and able to back her up where it makes sense, but no butt in to fix every interaction, it helps.

For example, if she is being interrupted, being able to tell your sons "hey, you're not listening to your mother and she deserves your respect. Wait until she's done talking and then you can respond. It's rude to interrupt."

That tends to help your sons understand and see you on the same page and also might help your wife calm down.

Unfortunately, you can't do it all the time because she will have to figure out how her interactions are impacting them and want to make a change. Also, they will probably more naturally come to you as their mom is yelling at them.

As with anything, it will be her that will have to see these things and want to make the change. If you should decide to help or intervene, be calm and pick your battles.

And if that doesn't work, don't do it anymore and try something else - DB theme.

Good luck!

I have asked Virginia as I dont know quickly where it is.
Things may be more on social media these days as MWD seems to post more there.

It is hard to find things here I will admit to that,
which is why I like to link things.

I am looking if I come up with something I will let you know.

Thank You for looking. I did an internet search and did find a ton of blogs / postings, some even mentioned the blog but not that specific one.

Said it before, i'll say it again...You are Awesome!!!

Zephyr, I think Ripken's post is good for what to do for your kids, but I would add that it's also okay, at sometime when she's not around, to let your kids know that Mommy gets a little frustrated now and then and we can help her by trying to remember to be polite and listen. BUT no matter what happens, they are OK and will be ok because both mom and dad love them.

My H very frequently gets frustrated and upset at our S and I have to be careful not to step in. If my S comes to me upset, I will sit with him, but verbally back up my H (even if I want to conk him over the head). I have never badmouthed my H to my S and it sounds like you don't either. It is SO hard not to step in though when our spouses are being unreasonable considering the age of the child.

One other thing that has worked for me is to say, when my H and I are together, "Are you aware of how many times the children have felt that they have disappointed you lately?" or "Are you aware how often Z has tried to get your attention while you were on the phone?" For some reason, asking it that way places no blame and my H has actually improved for awhile after I've asked.

I'm sorry it's been such a rough week for you. We could tell each other stupid knock knock jokes if you want. My S decided that would make me feel better tonight when I burned the supper. :P

*hugs*

Sorry I've no real advice for you. Keep fighting the good fight.

Eirinn, i somehow missed your post. This is good stuff. i will take it in and see how i can help improve my interaction with Wife & kids without stepping on toes or controlling the situation.

Roiste, that is all we can do, right

Thanks!

Sorry so dark over the last couple of weeks. Honestly I have been crazy busy. I wanted to express some thoughts of goings on in Zephyrland for the last week and a half or so.

I am starting to feel less anxious about my life. Part of this is due to the fact that I understand finally that I will be able to survive / get along despite anything that happens. If I was on my own, I will still be able to see my kids (I WILL fight tooth and nail for this if I have to), continue to try new experiences and have the free time to do it. I have started to try to meet people and open my mind to new experiences.

So one of my updated goals is to at the very least every week: try some new music, try a new food or drink, try a new experience (or something different I haven’t done in a Long time – like 20+ years at least). This has been pretty easy and I’ve been enjoying this. Part of the fun is researching, part is anticipation and then going and doing it.

Here is the thing, every time I come up with something new, the wife WANTS to do it too. Last week I set up an archery class for the family. I’ve had a bow for years, but no training…I’m pretty good but wanted to get better, and wanted the kids to get some training from ‘not me’. The whole family went on Friday and had a blast. Saturday went to first meditation class, wife wanted to go with. Both enjoyed it and talked about it after, too. We both agreed that it would be helpful in our lives. Also went to play racquetball for first time, wife wanted to go too. We had fun. came home and even showered together. More on that later Wife even mentioned to me a couple of times, how much more fun we are having over the last six months (made mental note, yep that is when I started DB for real, hmmm).

Biggest reason for this post, I feel like I am stuck. I have seen plenty of signs of wife trying to reach out to our marriage. Just this week she thanked me for not turning a situation of kissing/hugging into an advance for sex. Two days later, she actually pulled me down on top of her and we entwined/hugged for a while. Then she tried to apologize about possibly amping me up, that she was sorry when all she wanted was a cuddle/hug, which I understood from the start. She said that improving the non-sexual touching was important right now, before we could get back to ‘the other stuff’ her exact words. I agreed that was important to me to. We took a shower together three times in the last week…nothing more that sharing the space. But then she will go days without a hug or kiss or anything. I am not sure if this is something that she is waiting for me to initiate, so she is not ‘giving me the wrong idea’ about where we are. I have just taken the position that I will keep on forward, if she shows no intent for a hug or kiss or slap on the a$$ (joking) or whatever before I leave for work…I am not going to bound across the room to hug an unwilling woman (been there, done that…it is not fun or worthwhile at all). But then at night, she will hold my arm until she falls asleep, or hold hands in bed and talk about the day when we wake up.

I don’t want to get into the gay friend zone, and honestly it looks like there is no difference between just that, and where I am AM right now. Then again, since there have been intimacy problems in our marriage, then is this the direction that needs to be traveled to get back to a sexual MR? According to some of the MWD SSM writings, as I’ve seen, isn’t this what she prescribes . I guess the difference is what is Wife’s Intentions for the future. IF she is looking long term at our marriage, then I am right where I belong. IF she is still WAW-land, looking to just placate me for the time being until she is ready to bolt, or moves on with WHATEVER, then I am doing more harm than good by traveling down this path. I just don’t know and that is the gray part of life that I am not comfortable with. [Funny as I am typing this, got text from the wife…she was excited that she got the dresses for the two wedding that we have coming up this summer, she wants to try them on for me – is that ‘Gay Friend’ Zone or ‘Wants to share her excitement at how those dresses make her feel, with her Husband’ Zone, what is the difference realy?].

Patience is a virtue, right? BIG picture, I remember where we were almost 1 year ago to the day and I am saddened by how far apart we were, how dark my life was. How much of a miserable POS I really was. We were not a couple back then, literally barely roommates / co-parents, so I am very glad about the progress I have made with myself, and pleased with the improvement in my marriage since then.

I am going to spend the holiday weekend with family and friends for the Holiday along with my wife and kids in Michigan, so here is to a nice time. No expectations, no pressure.

Thank you all for letting me ramble here…you guys have been such an immense help / shoulder to cry on / kick in the a$$ .

Hugs to (((ALL))))

Hi Zephyr,

I just finished reading your threads. I am so happy for you! It seems like you have come a long way from when you started DB. Your sitch has some similarities to mine and you give me a lot of encouragement. I struggle with detaching and reading your threads has helped with me realizing how much more i need to improve on my detachment.

Btw, meditating has done a lot for me when it comes to anxiety. I meditate 2X day for about 5 minutes. When i am sleeping and i wake up and start thinking, mentally putting up a "STOP" sign in my head has helped me stop my mind from thinking too much, especially in the morning.

Keep up the DBing!

Nick

Another similarity, when i reread my thread, i realize I too need to improve on my detachment

In all sincerity, thank you. Learning to not be a controlling husband is HARD. It is something that is an underlying trait of many of the Nice Guy types here.

Detaching is part of the struggle of breaking the codependency and it will take focus and desire and time to not want to be 'that' man anymore,

Hi Zephyr! Glad to see you posting and that my post gave you some ideas to think about. I wanted to bring up something about your posts in the last week or so. It's great that your W wants to do things with you, but I would make sure you still do some things on your own. Maybe the vets will disagree with me, but it seems that you need to make sure you have "you" time without your W. If she wants to come, just let her know that maybe next time, but this time you want to go by yourself. Or don't even let her know what you're going out to do. That will help break the codependency for you both...I think. Does that make sense?

And we all have to improve our detachment!

hugs
E