Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers drop the rope- part II

Hope all going OK. Keep us posted. Keep going.

Thanks Roosts. I am plowing forward. Trying to keep focus on me and what I need to do to gain real happiness in my life. It occured to me the other night that historically I'd be willing to run the lengths of the earth for someone else to try to gain favor / affection / whatever and would never even try that for myself. How stupid in retrospect right? I recall so many instances where if we were out of something that wife or kids wanted (not necessarily needed) I'd run to the store or 'stop off on the way home, no problem' to get X. Never did I make a special trip for myself. I would just pout or gripe and suck it up because 'oh well' no biggie. I have started to learn to appreciate my wants a bit more and have started to make sure I check in everyday and ask what I want today...been actually doing that more and more.

As far as.keeping busy...been filling up the schedule crazy busy!!! Not all is for me, have kids stuff to attend to, but I've actually skipped a couple of soccer games last week to go hang out with some friends for the afternoon.

One weird thing...the more I do, it seems the wife has been more than willing to do these things too. With a few exceptions, she has wanted to join me in my plans. Last 3 months: ice fishing, snow shoeing, kayaking, country line dancing, movies, archery class, breweries, fishing with the kids, swimming, gym training... She joined me in all of these activities. She even scheduling a paint n brew event in couple weeks with my brothers n wives for us. I've gone golfing which she almost went with (she went once with me when we were in highschool) and a bunch of time when I am upstairs practicing guitar she has visited me to watch...lays on the bed and watches me practice guitar. Crazy right? I am still looking for more things to do to find / reconnect with friends...something I am really trying to do. I've never been good at making new friends for some reason. My twin, he was the stud, the everyone's friend. I coat tailed a lot of friendships from him. Now I know I need to break this ground on my own.

Thanks for listening...intend to be verbose... A little too much so.

Sorry roiste...stupid autocorrect

Zephyr, on here you are allowed to be verbose! (as long as there are carriage returns)

So, you're on your happiness journey too! I spent most of my IC session today talking about GALing to make me happy, not to just distract myself from my sitch.

My H has been doing similar things with me lately and it is really hard not to react or break some of Sandi's rules. Maybe she's starting to realize what she will lose?

I am giving the wife the benefit of the doubt on motive... I cannot live in fear of wife leaving at every moment. I will be absolutely crushed without question if she does leave, but I need to live my life and if wife wants to Join me for now, and she can see what kind of man I'm becoming, then I will be more than happy to let her.

in any event, she was to the point of leaving after almost 14,years of marriage and piles of resentment. I have been trying to figure things out for a couple of years but really, REALLY working on myself for 6+ months...and I'm not even done. It is going to take time in the best of circumstances for my wife to return to a point where she can trust who I am now vs. The grumpy whatever I've been.

That is how I've decided to move forward, I need to lower some walls and be a bit vulnerable to be able to show true love back to wife. When I spoke about this with IC he was excited about these developments and said I should be cautious...he also said that it would take a truly evil soul to go these lengths to TRY to decieve to the level wife would have to be right now and if that were the case when I found out would i really want that woman anymore...I said that I would not.

Zephyr, reading over your sitch again, you have done such amazing work and that you know it is still a journey is terrific. You are well on your way to being the person she would be crazy to leave!

Hello Z,

I totally agree with Eirinn! Keep working on what you can control - changing yourself. You are doing a good job.

I wish you well.

Bob

How are you doing, Zephyr? Just checking in on you.

Hey Eirinn,

I am going nuts
Last two days i feel like i am unraveling. i am certainly talking the talk and i know what i need to do, i am just having doubts as to what i am seeing. The ups and downs are hard to deal with.

Right now, the biggest issue i am having is the struggle to establish a boundary for me for lack of transparancy with wifes relationships with male friends. It is difficult becuase i do not want to do something from a place of trying to control the siutuation, or trying to 'set some big scheme in motion' to make my MR get to a better place, quicker. On the other hand, this IS something that legitimately bothers me, with the secrecy of communications with men or the likelyhood of something that did go on that i've been lied to about. She has emails, texts, messaging that i have never looked at, nor could i if i wanted to without her opening these things to me willingly.

Her behaviors a year ago, if i would have typed them here, would have been described at Wayward, the spew, the absolute distance and cringing at any contact, it felt like i was despised by her. She stayed away from the house as often as possible to get away from us. the quickly hiding the phone as soon as i walked in the room, all of it. I was too dumb to figure out what she was up to, i was too scared to do anything about it anyways. She even told me a year + ago that one of our friends had accused her of having an affair with another one of our friends, the name she gave me was rediculous (think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and then add a level of not likely to it)...could have been the accuser and the tale she told me could have been shaded the truth of the accusation with a silly name to add a level of confusion if the real name ever came out. I have really looked at possibilities and one of these is no longer 'around' after wife and him were close for some time. It has been 6 months or so since she has had any sort of dealings with him. The accuser friend, wife and i have been friends with for years and i know they are still in contact.

I feel stronger now then i was a year ago, but is this something that i need to dredge up or something that is still going on, but she has learned to hide things so expertly that even while i am paying attention, i still have no proof.

Maybe i am scared still to rock the boat, IDK, i've not moved on this with lack of PROOF. I know at this point i could use some help trying to figure this one out.

Whew. Bad day. Had meetings up at Navy base so kept mind busy...yeah!!!!!

Just finished mowing grass it was bad.

I feel better than I did earlier. Stay the course zephyr...keep the PMA...keep focus on me and kids. Band concert tonight for s13, fun...then swimming...then groceries. This is what I must do to keep my mind busy.