Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Toot Toot - here I come!

H texted me today...

He's had agents in this week. The house is ready to list if I'm ok with that. He quoted the asking price, which he's happy with (so am I.) He's tidying this weekend.

He hopes I'm well. He got a new job, starting in a few weeks. It's a crap job, but who cares - it's better than nothing.

I replied....I'm good thanks. Congrats on the job & thanks for sorting house stuff. The price sounds fine to me. Just let me know if I can help.

Now I'm just a bit concerned about our impasse. My L advises only to sell as part of settlement. H thinks we should D as part of that. D isn't what I want.

Concerned that if I push on financials it will lead to D. Concerned that he thinks half the house is 'my share' and will get away with that if he can.

Hmm....thoughts??

I agree with your L in the sense that you want to have a plan for the proceeds of the house sale before the money comes in, otherwise you stand to watch the money disappear. Whether that plan is in terms of a D settlement agreement or some other legally binding document is up to you and your L.

This is a fear you need to get rid of. You cannot live your life in fear of perhaps causing D. Not only is it torture to live like that, it isn't effective at preventing D. Confidence builds attraction. Cowering doesn't.

This doesn't have to be adversarial. But as a matter of fact, D has been mentioned, so you're simply looking out for your own interests by codifying the specifics of the sale of what is probably your largest asset.

Thanks Zew. Thinking about it some more. I don't want to file for D, but I do want us to agree a financial settlement before the house is sold. I have already suggested formal separation with a full financial settlement, and H responded he thinks we should D as part of that.

I could just ask my L to write and start the ball rolling on formal S, and if he then chooses to file for D he could...

Am I just being too D averse? I don't want to file when D isnt what I want. Problem in the UK is financial settlements can only be 'forced' as part of D.

This can't be, can it? Shouldn't any two parties be able to create a contract to sell a joint asset and then separate the proceeds in such a way as to make those proceeds immune from any future separation agreement? Sounds like a post-nup agreement.

This was rhetorical, the answer is that of course two parties should be able to agree to whatever they want. Unfortunately,
the enforcement of post-nuptual agreements varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

I'd rather have some sort of agreement in place, signed off by both party's solicitors, and make him have to invalidate that in the case of an eventual D settlement, than to have nothing at all.

I understand the fear of divorce but like Zew said, you need to let that go.

A non sugar coated point of view........
You are only his wife on paper. In his eyes you are no longer his wife so does a piece of paper define your life?


Dear H,
The sale of the house is fine with me but only if it is part of a full financial settlement. I would prefer formal separation but if you prefer divorce that is fine with me. Just know that I will only have my lawyer file for separation, divorce paperwork is your responsibility if you choose that route.

Hi Zew, thanks for that - I may not be explaining myself very well. From other posters like Pink, I can see that formalising S in some US states is more of a recognised legal process with deadlines and so on - and a legally binding agreement.

In the UK, formalising a S is done on a purely voluntary basis and the resulting agreements don't hold water legally as such. That said, in the event of D, the court does tend to rely on what was agreed as part of formal S, unless there is a big change in circumstances.

Twin, thanks for your suggested wording - I like that. I have been thinking about my bottom line here. I won't agree to the house sale unless part of a full financial settlement and I don't intend filing for D. What you have put covers those. It may not be possible to agree to formally S and H may decide to file for D, but I will have done my best!

Appreciate the feedback - thank you!

Hi Toots. Just to echo twinmum. This is a tough one. Settle back and have a good think Let us all weigh in with our thoughts and listen to L but most of all let
your head rule this one. Your heart is way to big for a decision like this. I also tend to agree that D is not the end. With your H being so confused it's hard to know when he will see sense again. My personal thoughts are your H will emerge from his fog one day but which day ?

Toots needs to do what's best for toots but again when it comes to money think hard


For the very first time I will disagree with Jim. ,you are already marvellous !!!

Take care. Rd. xx

Hi marvellous Toots,

I think you probably already know where I'm going to weigh in on this, but....

I know you don't want to D but you need to look out for your best interests. You said before that you'd like to get the finances sorted and its important you do.

My solicitor (and I was there anyway) was really firm that I shouldn't make an agreement over the house unless it was part of a full agreement. If I did I'd lose all my leverage.

There are different options for how you can do this but ultimately you're right in that under our system it has to be part of the D to be fully settled.

I do have a signed agreement but not the consent order. She could argue it but my Solicitor said she would need a really strong case to change it. Either way I'd say get some legal advice.

If it does lead to D are you really any worse of?

Besides you can always remarry

Hey!!!! I didn't say she wasn't!!

So just thinking wording.

How about

Dear H,

That sounds sensible about the house, thank you for organising that.

I know we have discussed this before but its important you know that for me any settlement on the House will need to be part of a formal agreement on all the finances.

I don't mind how you want to take this forward as I'm confident we can work something out. Let me know your thoughts

Toots

Okay then...I won't send until tomorrow anyway, but how about this...

Hi H, as you know I'm happy to sell the house, but only as part of a full financial settlement. I'd prefer formal separation but if you prefer divorce that's fine with me.

I just want to clarify that I'll only have my solicitor file for separation, divorce paperwork is your responsibility if you choose that route.

Hope you have a good weekend & thanks for arranging things with the agent, Toots.