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Beautiful and touching post Maybell.

YBT, all of our voices are echoing the same thing, so please be strong, get the help you need and deserve.

I echo that you don't need to worry about the M right now. I think this is really important. I also, like two of the other posters, see a lot of myself in this man. And I am a different person than I was a year ago.

So I think we are all saying in our own way that the question of whether or not to stay married isn't actually the number one question right now. You simply can't answer that. There is no way you can stay married like THIS.

But if you were going to divorce him, what would you do? You'd separate yourself emotionally, tend to yourself, get the support you need to stand on your own two feet, and to be independent so you aren't subject to this type of control.

I think the magic of DBing is doing all of the same things, simply WITHOUT declaring your intentions for the future. It doesn't matter right now. Either way your road is the same.

Once you stop doing the same dance with your husband he will be forced to change. Our hope is that he sees the strong, beautiful, and mature woman you are and realizes he has to step up his game to avoid the biggest loss of his life. If not, you will be in a better place to make your decisions because you will be 1) ready to take care of yourself, 2) sure it's not a reaction to emotional distress, 3) more confident you did everything you could to give him every opportunity to step up as a man.

He didn't alienate me from my family. they are very toxic. It was my choice to become closer with his family and use them as a support system. His dad is the only father figure I've ever known and they've loved me more than any of my own fsmily ever has.

And maybe I am afraid of him. But that's not actually his doing I don't think. I know he would never physically hurt me. But I am deeply afraid of all confrontation. Not just him.

But my fear has affected us. For example. I had an accident and dented the car on the garage and tore off part of the siding. It cost less than $200 to fix the garage. But I was in a full on panic attack bc the last time I damaged a car (also a little ding on the minivan) he was beyond pissed at me for a while. So I texted him in a panic. Completely freaking out. And he called me... To give me the silent treatment. It was ridiculous.

He eventually got over it and it's not like he beat me over it but that fear was deep. It's not just him though. I mean to get all psychological its fear from my upbringing. It's a learned response.

So my logical mind hesitates to go in with guns blazing bc I know full well I have a history of seeing things through fear tinted glasses. We all know our interpretation of a situation isn't exactly the truth. I'd like to talk to him about this but I guess I'm not supposed to.

Wow YBT, your first post hit so close to home it took my breath away. And all I can do is refer you to Maybell's post and give you a hug ((( ))). Hang in there, i'll check in with you tomorrow.

I get you.

Well, why do you think Sandi's rules apply in your case? Forgive me if you've covered this and I missed it. I mean, you don't want to follow him around begging for his affection but do you feel like he's a good or a bad person to confide in and process things through with?

What are your goals? What are your best case scenarios? Be specific.

What do you mean guns blazing?

I appreciate everyone's input. It's hard trying to look past my knee jerk emotional reaction to some of the words though.

I am trying not to be too hopeful but he is, of his own choice, on his way home from right now. It's not even dinner time! This is the second time this week he will be home before the kids go to bed, the earliest in at least a year, and the fact that it's twice this week. With no reason like an event or activity. I do believe he is trying in his own small way, as he sorts through things. He's been kind to me, even offering to come home super early next week bc I have to work and our oldest has a birthday party (the alternate is getting a babysitter and she misses the party). He hasn't been like this in years.

I trying to detach and GAL. I've decided to get back into painting bc I don't have to leave the house for that. I am no longer apologizing for when I work. I am going to start reading more. We are working out together now a few times a week. I do still pack his lunch though but I'm packing lunches for the kids so it's seriously no big thing to make one more sandwich. (I started this bc he kept making a point to tell me how his work buddy always brings in lunches that the fiancée packs)

How are you doing, YBT? Haven't heard from you in a few days and just wanted to check in.

E