Hello! A sweet friend who was listening to my troubles told me to get Divorce Busting and join this forum. I recently finished the book, and here I am. Burned out, barely hanging on, but desperately wanting my marriage back. Here is my story...
this is long and rambling, I'm sorry.
Been married for 11 years. We are in our mid 30s. We have 3 kids- 7, 5, almost 2.
Up until now we've dealt with problems by ignoring them. not the best. we never argue bc we both just ignore problems.
his work has always come first. always. I hate that. his dad was the same way, so he sees it as being ambitious and providing for our future. he works 60+ hours a week, plus a 2.5 hour commute both ways. he works these hours out of choice, he hates walking away from unsolved problems and his job is always throwing new problems out, plus he likes being the superstar there.
About 8 years ago, I came close to cheating on him. i was tired of feeling ignored. a guy at work always complimented with me, flirted with me, etc. made me feel pretty and special and important. I didn't cheat, but I certainly did look forward to coming into work and flirting with this guy. I had to opportunity to cheat and I walked away and told this guy it was over, that I needed my marriage.
I kept this to myself but I think my husband (who is very paranoid) suspected something bc he was always making comments alluding to me being unfaithful. nothing direct, just things like, "oh is that your boyfriend?" when my phone would ring, always trying to read over my shoulder if I was on the computer, etc. I felt terribly guilty so I confessed. (yes, i confessed to not cheating on him. but still i shouldn't have been in a situation where it even came close) At this point we had our first child, who was a baby, so my confession was at least a year after the fact)
All this time, as well, my drive was almost non-existant. partially bc the husband always ignored me, but also because I was always on hormones for birth control which always kill all desire for me. sO I'm sure my lack of interest in being physical didn't help his outlook.
Anyway, things were tense for a bit but they eased back into normalcy. I thought it was him being ok, but it turns out it was him ignoring problems. He told me recently that he actually wanted to kick me out but he didn't bc we had a baby. He admitted that he isn't sure if it was the fact that I could have cheated, or if it was just that he had issues with the guy, his high school girlfriend apparently DID cheat on him with the same guy, but we are talking more than 10 years previous!) He also told me recently that he spent years expecting to "catch" me with someone if he came home unexpectedly, always expecting to find another car in the driveway, etc. I have never been unfaithful to this man, other than being guilty of flirting with someone once, 8 years ago.
SO I think things are fine, but he goes through periods of being icy and being ok. We have a second child. I still think things are fine but now he is working more and more and more. After our first was born I quit my job to be a SAHM which i begged and begged him to do. he is only so-so with being okay with me staying home. it's apparently embarassing that his friends all have career wives and I don't. I work part time with a business I run but he views that as my play time and won't take it seriously.
We have a second kid and now he isn't getting home until right before the kids go to bed. he is never home for dinner and I'm on my own, but at least he helps out with bedtime.
We have a third kid (I really wanted three and he never said anything contrary so I thought it was ok). We move to a bigger house, and of course he wants a super expensive fancy house. he is keen on what other people think.
He is now getting downright rude. He is now working until past when the kids go to bed so I am solo 100% of the time with the kids. He walks out of the room when I'm speaking to him, he ignores me. it's awful. I contemplate leaving but I have no job and no money and no where to go.
Finally, last september he starts talking. he doesn't know if he wants to be married. it's classic mid life crisis I think. he hates being burdened down with bills and responsibilities. he loves me but he's not in love with me. all he does is work and play xbox. he's always playing on the phone around the kids. he doesn't want to lose the kids, and he isn't 100% that he wants to leave so we've been living in limbo ever since while he tries to decide what he wants to do.
I'm living in hell. I'm solo parenting 3 young kids. he is never home and I'm not allowed to pay for a babysitter so I can't ever leave the house to be an adult or do anything or me. I don't know how I am supposed to get a life like the book says because I'm trapped at home and caring for a crazy active toddler, a preschooler who is in school only half days, and then a first grader is exhausting. all i do all day is drive the kids to and from various schools and activities. and you know kids, all they do is dump crap on the floor.
I'm trying to work on the things he complains about but now I'm stressed all the time bc his number one complaint was that the house wasn't clean when he gets home. he works 14 hour days and it pisses him off to come home to a mess. ok, i am trying to see his point, but now I never get to enjoy my kids bc any time we are home I am yelling at them to clean up, clean up faster, bc we are rushing through me cooking, eating, cleaning the clutter, rushing them through bedtime and into bed, and then I sit down to work, so I can't clean after they are in bed. Our house is massive and I can't keep up with it alone but he won't go for a house cleaner either, even though we can afford it.
I'm not allowed to spend money. i asked for an allowance so I can save up if i want clothes or shoes or even a damn apple watch (I want one but he said no) and he said if I had an allowance I'd just spend it. if I spend money I've earned instead of "his" money they he gets pissed that I get to buy whatever I want while he works and gets nothing. but he can go out and buy whatever he wants on a whim. He's even added my favorite coffee shop to its own category to online baking so he can track how much i spend there. he reviews the bank account every day and grills me on charges outside of the grocery store and target. Sometimes I can get away with taking my toddler out to lunch if we are running errands, though.
I have to beg his family to babysit when I have weeknight appointments for work. and let's just say that doctor and dentist appts aren't pretty with several kid on my lap mid-examination, ha.
I'm just exhausted from being the solo parent, never being able to get away (even on weekends, he sleeps in, plays on his phone, etc and I still have to carry the weight, plus it's the only time the kids see us doing anything as a family and that's important to them. I do leave at least once each weekend for work for a few hours, but that's still work and not anything for me personally) and expected to do everything. I can't maintain a spotless house every day with 3 young kids, plus have homecooked meals every night (he gets upset if he comes home from work and there isn't a new homecooked meal in the fridge for him), stay on top of laundry for 5, get each kid to their activity (they aren't in much but with 3 of them it adds up), plus work while the kids are sleeping (bc I can't work when the toddler is awake, she's i a destructive age)... I haven't slept more than 5 hours at night in years. I do have a gym membership and I try to workout 3 times a week, sometimes 4, because that hour that the kids are in the childcare room is heaven to me.
I just wish he could be my cheerleader. I had some really exciting things happen recently and he didn't care.
And I don't know how to work on me if I can't ever get time to myself. lately he's been working until midnight, and leaving around 7/7:30 right as the kids are getting up in the morning. We used to share household duties. now the only thing he does it take the trash cans back to the house each week after they've been emptied. because he works, so it shouldn't be his job to lift a finger when he's off.
I have messed up a lot. I realized I kept focusing on me when we talked, and trying to get him to hear my grievances, but the book showed me that was wrong, as much as it [censored] to never say "help I'm drowning, I can't do this alone"
I've also pursued him too much. after he told me all this, i smothered him. i'd be aimlessly following him around and he'd be pissed bc he wanted to play video games but couldn't bc I wouldn't leave him alone. for christmas i made him a jar full of love notes and after 3 months i saw he only took 4 of them out so I took it away, I realized it was putting pressure on him.
so now I am trying to detach, but still be available should he want me. We've stopped being intimate. i was the only one initiating 90% of the time, and even then he'd ignore my advances most of the time, but sometimes he'd give in. he told me that he feels too guilty to be physical bc he isn't sure how he feels about me. it kills me not to kiss him goodnight or say "I love you" on the phone or when he leaves.
He tells me that he doesn't know who he is. he has no idea what makes him happy, no idea what turns him on, or what he's passionate about. and then he says that the problem is our relationship. (which I know is total BS) I told him that if he can't make himself happy, there is no way he will ever be happy with me.
We've been in limbo for so long that I wish he would freaking decide already so I can move on with my life. if he wants to leave, then freaking leave so I can find a job and a place to live and work on healing the hurt. if he wants to stay then freaking commit to this marriage and stop being so self centered and lazy.
I'm at a breaking point. I DO want this marriage to work. he's not a total jerk at heart, I know it's the MLC doing the talking. but he's being a total jerk now.
There have been babysteps, though. he's started calling to check in about 6pm if he's not wrapping up at work. Yesterday he actually came home by 7:30, in time to help with kid bedtime, and I was SHOCKED.
But I still feel so bitter. he can make it home for his kickball league games. he can leave work for business happy hours, he can leave work for time with his dad and brothers. but not for the kids stuff at schools and never for me. I mean, he does big things like he will go to preschool graduation, but not for like school events in the evening like the art show, etc. He knows that he never has to worry about who has the kids for anything he wants to do, and he knows he will never adjust his schedule to care for the kids if there is something I want to do.
He told me that I don't actually love him, that I have stockholm syndrome. maybe it's true. (sarcastic laugh)
I hate walking on eggshells all the time, being so fearful of the straw that breaks the camel's back that will make him walk away from us. He refuses counselling. I hate that I never have fun with the kids bc I'm always stressed out angry mommy bc we have to get the house clean before bed so I don't get in trouble. And it's never clean-clean, it's just the general clutter of life with 3 young kids.
oh, and he told me recently (mind you our third kid is almost 2) that he didn't think he wanted a third kid bc he didnt think our marriage would survive it, but he never breathed a word of that to me. he just went along with it.
I feel for him that he's been miserable for so long, but he hid it away and I had no freaking clue!
His family is my only support system and I clearly can't talk to them about it. I feel so trapped.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you. I will read the links in spurts as I get sneak away from the kids here and there. (when i hide in the bathroom-- ha!)
I just don't know how to get out and get a life if I can't physically get out. I've lost just about all my friends just from drifting away bc they all get together in the evenings and I can't leave the house because no one will be here with the kids.
Me:35 H:35 M:12 yrs T:14 yrs D-7 S-5 D-2 (almost) ILYBNILWY 9/14 in limbo ever since
I'm sorry that you're here YBT, but you've come to the right place. Cadet will welcome you shortly and give you a lot of great links to read, if you haven't already.
As you are in moderation right now, just keep posting small amounts telling us all you can and then people can start to chime in to help you.
From reading your sitch so far, you need to detach, detach, detach.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
YBT- good for you for standing by your M and recognizing that the jerk he is now (and the inconsideration he has shown) is not a true reflection of who he is as a person and the value he might prove to have as an H in the future. There are no guarantees, however it definitely makes sense to exhaust your options before tearing apart a family. It stinks because it hurts so much, but hopefully this is the rock bottom your family needs to make changes.
It seems you both feel very stuck. You are saying as much, stuck both physically with the children and emotionally with your inability to control your H's behavior.
Yet the sense I get from him is that he's stuck as well. He, too, is in a lot of pain and probably doesn't understand it or have a clue how to do anything about it.
This is an intro post so I don't presume to have any answers. What I can tell you is that the M needs to get unstuck, and that you are probably capable of doing that. The M is a dance, and if you change your half the dance it will change the whole dynamic. The hard part is that the dances we're in the middle of are so ingrained we don't even realize they're changable.
To use an example, it would be like if both of you went out weekly to the same restaurant. You both ordered the same meal. To 'change it up', you would sometimes get different sides, or a different beverage with your meal. You are stuck. You are trying to think of changes, but all you can think is 'maybe I should get a soup this week...' The reality is that you might need to try a different meal, or a different restaurant, or maybe even a home cooked meal.
My point is that you really need to step back and have a beginner's mind about your entire sitch. It is very hard to see beyond the patterns we're involved in, and very hard to see past the pain you're in, as well as the arguments and interactions that have no doubt played out for years.
I know he won't let you drop a quarter in a gumball machine without sounding an alarm, but do you have any family or friends that could help you get a DB coach or an IC? They are there to help you break free of this mold.
Before you tell me this is impossible I need to challenge you on that- this is an EMERGENCY. A TRUE FAMILY CRISIS. I believe it is critical that you get some help to break the mold here or I fear it will just be a matter of time before one or both of you feels that 'it can never be different'. And while we can try to help on the forums and Michelle writes a great book, this isn't the time to go coach and hope that you can solve the puzzle on your own. The biggest regret that we see on these forums is that "I didn't realize how bad it was, I just wish we'd have tried everything, we didn't even go to counceling"...you will be saying those words in 3-6 months if you don't do something NOW.
So that's my pitch on swallowing your pride and asking for help from a friend/family member to get some additional help. Beyond that, please keep posting and do what you can to zoom WAY out and be very openminded. Sometimes our thoughts get in the way, and if we just sit back and observe what's going on insights can present themselves.
Hang in YBT.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I WAS your husband, a few details here and there different but almost to a T. Very many similarities. I was supporting the whole family, and resented my wife (wrongly) for not having every little thing perfectly done the way I liked it. She was a solo parent, with me only tagging along occasionally (bitterly I might add). I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Hey, I was paying the bills and staying faithful, her job was to take care of the rest, right??
Then she dropped the bomb on me last May.
It was a living hell for her. Even so far as for me to turn her down when she wanted to make love. She obviously thought that I was completely out of love with her, and has said she thought I would be relieved when she said she wanted to split up.
Well let me tell you, it was a huge wake up call. I don't know how I was so oblivious to the pain I was causing. I completely destroyed our marriage. She had an EA with someone that I later found out about.
Right now, we are still in limbo as well. We have had ups and downs since she dropped the bomb (you can read my thread).
I have recently come to realize that I was emotionally abusive towards her for many years. To me, it sounds like you guys are in a very similar place.
Have you discussed couples counselling with him? And individual counselling for you?
I don't know the strategies well enough to offer any real advice. I'm still sorting through my own stuff, trying to save my marriage and going through therapy myself.
I just wanted to share my story, maybe you can find some hope in the fact that I have changed so much even though I was exactly like your husband.
The hardest part right now is going to be getting him on board. My wife was practically BEGGING me to try to work on the marriage, but I was totally oblivious. I'm new here, someone better seasoned than might have better strategies for you.
GOOD LUCK AND STAY STRONG!
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
