The bad news is the good news. (disclaimer- I am speculating here, there are NO crystal balls, I'm just trying to get the right sense of proportion here)
The bad news is that this is a long journey. There is no 'falling into each other's arms' like some romantic comedy. You will have to tear down the structure that you two had built, go through the grieving process of the loss of your M, forge forward with a new independent life...and just when you don't need him anymore, that's when he'll have a chance to see the consequences of the decisions he's making. From there, he may go on another journey of his own growth, and at after that there may come a time when he looks back to you and questions his path. IF this all happens, AND you are in a spot where you feel his growth is real, he's not the same person he was during the M and at BD, then you might have the chance to start piecing. This is another 6-24 months of hard work, during which old wounds surface and the bad can overwhelm the good. But eventually for those that make it they have a new, better M, built for both parties to be fulfilled, and ready to endure the ages. So all in it could truly be a 2-4 year journey, and there are no guarantees. And unfortunately you will suffer for a while, there is no way out of the loss today.
But the good news is that since this is the case, tomorrow is really insignificant in this process. He'll say what he says because that's how he feels today. This is NOT a court hearing where the verdict will be determined and sentencing passed, because in a court hearing if someone gets 10 years in prison that person is going to jail. The difference is regardless of what your H says it is NOT written in stone, he will go on his journey and his feelings will evolve just as yours do. Look at this meeting more as checking the weather. It may be stormy now, but this is not proof that the end is here.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Look at this meeting more as checking the weather. It may be stormy now, but this is not proof that the end is here.
Thanks Zeus, you are right. That is how I have to approach things. If I really love him, as I do, I have to see this long term and what happens tomorrow is not end all be all of this story. I have to hammer that into my week mind and soul at the moment and hope it reaches shore before tomorrow, so that I can be cool, understanding, collected and fun and then we'll see what happens.
I'm just so worried right not Zeus, I try to tell myself that it's my mind playing me for a fool and that I need to slow down and just focus on my job at hand, letting him speak his mind and show him that I care about how he feels.
I have a 10 K run before our meeting tomorrow and I'm hope I will be able to do it well and then continue in the spirit of that when him and I meet.
Please Zeus, think of me..
Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
He sent me a text asking when my run starts tomorrow, I called him after an hour or so and he sounded happy and relaxed. I said my run starts at around 12 and asked if he had something planned or if he was coming to watch me run..
He said he that he was coming to see me.. That made me a little bit happy.
Fingers crossed that we can have a positive time at the run and then we'll see what happens. But that must at least be a very small but still positive sign? (Ok, I can tell that I'm reeeeeeally want it to be positive, but you now what they say about hope.. )
Big hugs to you all! (Like you've probably guessed, I'm a hugger! )
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
He sent me a text asking when my run starts tomorrow, I called him after an hour or so and he sounded happy and relaxed. I said my run starts at around 12 and asked if he had something planned or if he was coming to watch me run..
He said he that he was coming to see me.. That made me a little bit happy.
Fingers crossed that we can have a positive time at the run and then we'll see what happens. But that must at least be a very small but still positive sign? (Ok, I can tell that I'm reeeeeeally want it to be positive, but you now what they say about hope.. )
Big hugs to you all! (Like you've probably guessed, I'm a hugger! )
Good luck tomorrow at your run and with your conversation. I'll keep you in my thoughts!
No expectations.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Good luck tomorrow at your run and with your conversation. I'll keep you in my thoughts!
No expectations.
Hello Tulo,
Defacto just posted almost exactly was I was going to! So, I second Defacto's sentiments.
Big hugs to you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You're welcome Tulo! I've learned the hard way about having expectations. I know you will do well.
Big Hugs your way, too.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
