Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

I don't have time to go back and Quick Quote specific examples but if you go back over the last page or two, two things pop out to me:

1. You seem to be very fact based and black and white in dealing with things.

2. You seem to have a need to always be right.

Nothing wrong with these and they probably serve you well in your profession. What people are trying to point out to you is that these traits can make it very difficult for someone, particularly women, to have an intimate relationship with you.

In other words Mr Bond is DETACHED from your sich.

As most of us giving advice are.

It is only in our own sichs that we can not see the forest through the trees.

Miman,

I gotta tell you that reading this thread is exhausting!!

You sure do SPEND an awfully a lot of time behaving like a junkyard dog who's cornered and snarling at the kind people who are trying to FREE you from prison of your own construct: The Alcatraz of Imaginary Defense.

You could very well use the time and energy to look within to examine the destructive patterns that landed you here in DB. Put down your dukes and sword for real.

It's best to engage in some introspection activities for your OWN benefit.

Questions To Ponder
-What were some of the issues that led to the M's breakdown?
-What are/were some of W's legtimate complaints about me that I really need to change and/or improve on?
-Why do I feel the need to defend every single thing I say/do?
-How can I learn from other posters who post to me?
-Can I learn to let things go?
-What were/are some of my FOO issues that contributed to the breakdown?
-Which specific behaviors, patterns, actions that I need to address with IC?

Get cracking and really start to dig deep to discover who Miman is.....and then clean up your side of the street.

Are you truly willing to do the hard work here, bud??

Dear Minman2,

Vanilla is giving me too much credit, but I did get some similar treatment from MrBond and Wonka in my early days here. I disagreed with the substance of what they say, and still do today, but what I have learnt from it is to let go. I used to try to settle every argument, every nuance, to prove that I was right, with facts and interpretation. I was sure to be honest and straightforward and expected to be rewarded for it. Well, I'm also separated.

I realized that none of the mature people that I admire act like this, so I explored how they would resolve their arguments without it. I saw that they were playing on a different level than me. Instead of focusing on the minutia, they have their eyes on a bigger picture. In my M, I remember arguing to no end with WW about the sequence of how our argument had unfolded ("No, I said this BEFORE you had said that, because then I didn't know that you... bla bla bla"). I was losing sight that these details were not important, yet they were harming my M. My WW came to think that I didn't love her. She would send me signals to the effect that she was hurt, and I would just hang to my logical argument. She'd cry in front of me and I would act as if this was irrelevant to the argument — and it was, but it was not irrelevant to my M. This is part of what they mean by "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Well, I was right that she didn't load the dishwasher when she promised to, but I'm also very unhappy today.

I have decided that certain topics are out of bonds for this forum, such as my parenting and some aspects of dating. I have also decided to ignore certain things that are said to me. We don't have to agree on everything, we come from different places and go different routes, meeting momentarily here.

More than me, I think you should have a look at Card29. His maturity level is a constant inspiration for me. Just this week, he had to deal with some outrageous statements from Georgia Bulldogs. I decided to simply ignore them, but he engaged them and made his points respectfully and in a way that did not antagonize anyone.

A different way to respond to MrBond, who gets so much on your nerves, would be to say: "Thanks for your input. I appreciate your desire to help. I seem to have issues understanding how I can be controlling, but I look forward to your continued feedback." It doesn't have to be a lie, it's just a way of saying the same thing that reflects your true feelings while remaining above the fray. And please, don't use snark, such as either copying this sentence as if you don't mean it, or simply repeating some canned response every time. Try to grow through this, not to win an argument with a stranger.

Think about it: You feed what you emphasize.

Exactly Mza, it isn't the fact you disagree and it is about:

You look at the big picture
You changed how you related (affect)
You recognised others are entitled to their opinion
You agreed to disagree

That is growth in my book.

V

So I saw my IC yesterday and updated him on the sitch. He mentioned that I shouldn't say the "No thank you" because it's imposing a judgement on the sitch without her input.

I finally responded last night saying "I would like to be able to discuss the cats with you. let me know if we can."

She hasn't responded yet.

I just got a call from the local sheriff's office, I missed the call but I was asked to call them back.

Guess I have some paperwork coming at me.

Yup. She filed. I get my paperwork on Friday.
It'll have been 3 months since she left on Friday.

Sorry to hear that Miman, hope you doing ok today?

Just remember, this paperwork doesn't necessarily mean its the end. You never know what the future holds, let go of it and see how it plays out for now.

You have work you can do on yourself right now that is more important to focus on. Keep moving forward with yourself.

Thanks Fogg.
I'm hanging in there.
I broke down after I called the sheriff department back.
Talked to the parents.
Talked to a lawyer.

Feeling a tiny bit better but still it hurts.

Sorry to hear that. Have you talked to her yet?