Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused 5

I don't know what to say Joe. You've been on the road as long as I have and are still in the house. I can't imagine how tough that's been.

Then again, my STBX and I didn't speak for 3 of the last 5 years we were living together, so I guess I can kind of imagine it. The only real difference is no one had actively declared the end.

Very impressed with how you're handling this, how you're taking care of yourself without walking away. It takes a strong spirit to do what you're doing.

Zues, you and I have had similar views on marriage and vows. That is a big part of it. The biggest is watching my 2 older boys and what they deal with in life. You can see the hurt in them from their mom's divorce from their dad. But mostly I see how their dad abandoned them and how it has affected them. I tried my best to fill that role, but I am still just the step dad. I have raised them pretty much. I would never abandon my kids. I also know first hand how divorce affects kids. Everyday, I pray for God's strength to help me through another day and help me be the best man I can be.

I am trying to set up meetings with attorneys so I can protect my rights when the time comes, but I am not having much luck. I am wondering of it is a sign that no one calls me back to set up a appointment? Maybe a sign that it is not time and someone upstairs has another plan in mind? Don't know! But I am still working on getting the information I need.

Today was a good day! Youngest S had a great birthday. I had alot of fun with kids today. W seemed to have a good time, but you can see the wheels turning in her head. Our trips to town together have changed from how it used to be. I did good with my listening skills, did not try to fix anything, validated and I STFU. The mood changes in W are just crazy. She will go from seeming happy and having a good time to cold and quiet and all about HERSELF. She talks about the kids doing things here this summer than taking them to visit her parents for a couple weeks than her moving her stuff. It is so dang confusing! But please don't assume because I am writing about it that I am dwelling on her behavior. I gave that up along time ago. Now I just sit back and watch and shake my head.

I can't tell whether she talks about these things to test me or get a rise out of me or maybe trying to screw with my head. The whole trip to town today, she mentioned nothing about looking for a vehicle or her moving some of her things. As soon as I buy a golf bag so I start playing golf with the guys, we are looking for a vehicle for her to buy herself. Than the comment comes up that she thinks maybe she should rent a U Haul. I just ignored it. I am just going to talk to attorneys so I know where I stand.

My own feelings concern me some. I am getting to that point that I am not sure if this is worth hanging in there. I did not want to be the one to file because I wanted to be able to tell my kids that I did ALL that I could do. Plus my beliefs on marriage and vows. But I have been thinking lately about how I have been disrespected by this job of hers. I have been lied to over and over and betrayed. I have been stuck paying her bills that she never paid. I am stuck dealing with a huge mortgage mess because I was lied to for almost 2 years about the payments. I know God can fix everything, but how can any of this be repaired? This definitely is not something that can be repaired by one person in this marriage.

AAAHHHH!!! I feel better that I got that off my chest!!

Joe, I understand. I question that daily for myself. That's why I knew I had to move out because there was no way I'd be able to keep going on being constantly anxious with her in the same room. Space should help me and I realize that isn't an option for you.

No matter how bad the day seems, it doesn't meant the next will be like it. You can hang in there because you've already done this long! If it's what you want, do it for you and we'll all be rooting you on!

Joe, just posted on Tenbook's thread where I stand. There is a difference between giving up, standing by your M, and needing R so bad you're willing to become a doormat.

The middle road.

I have been reading alot of threads today! In between working of course!

I have realized something after reading some things 25years wrote on another thread. I also realized it after I read my own post from the other night. I really need to work on forgiving myself and more important work on forgiving my W. That is hardest! I think I get frustrated with myself for letting her behavior bother me at times. I keep trying to justify my feelings of resentment. I haven't been detaching so well. Physically and mentally yes. But not emotionally.

I think I did handle Mother's Day okay. I helped the kids with the gifts for her. She told me thank you at the end of the day. I think she needed that. It felt good to not do something expecting something in return.

Oh, I forgot to mention my GAL stuff!! Like I said in the post from the other day, I got a new golf bag and a friend let me borrow some clubs. Tomorrow I am going to hit some balls. I was asked to join the men's league. It will be fun. I have not golfed since I was 17.

I have plenty of fishing planned. Several trips to the mountains. Lots's of activities for me and the kids! I do invite W along. If she comes great, if not, her choice.

Okay DB family. Here is my situation. I have been calling attorneys trying to get in to see one. Nobody has returned my calls. I had 2 email me back and say they can't take my case right now. I took this as a sign that it was not time to get a attorney involved. I started to think maybe I was getting in God's way.

Everytime I say something to W about golf, she freaks out and starts her moving to California stuff. Happened again today. I asked if she wanted to go hit a few balls with the kids. Of course she didn't. So I said I was going and I would take the kids if they want to go. And I got the text about figuring out a schedule for the kids to go see her this summer and what all she has to do before she goes and gets her house. It seems like whenever I say anything about golf or doing something like that she goes right back to explaining her plans. It is weird.

Anyway, I am calling as many attorneys as I can till I find someone that can help me. So far from what I have been reading, in these types of things where parents live in different states, the court would consider the place they reside now and have lived to be better a place for the majority of the time. I have the house, my job of 10 years, I pay all the bills and I spend more time with them. Plus I don't have a phone sex job!!! I know W is going to put pressure on D to come live with her. She has grown up here and has all her friends here.

Joe - as far as an attorney, keep looking - if tha;s what you want. You should be able to find one you feel comfortable with and give you some piece of mind.

With the wife's interactions, that;s what mine did before she bomb dropped and ever since. For her it seems, doing things with the kids or with me is "too comfortable" and she feels either that I'm manipulating her to see what's she's missing and come back to it or she's worried she might and "be stuck", just as she's gaining momentum on her freedom. I also believe there's some guilt mixed in as well.

For my ww, until she decides she no longer wants the affair, wants to work on her and realizes what she is missing (grass isn't always greener) suggesting things as a family or together is too uncomfortable and won't be something she wants to do with me.

The more I process it, the more I have to remind myself that it's more about her and things she needs to work through than something I need to take personally.

Hang in there!

Thanks Rip!

I had fun hitting balls last night. Had a good talk with a friend.

I think W is very confused right now. She says something different every few days. I have been polite and upbeat around her. Last night, I did take a walk. I also wonder if she is talking about moving because she thinks I don't care because I have been busy GAL. I have invited her to join me, but she never does. The one thing that has always happened in our relationship is kinda like a stand off. In the past, when we fight she will give me the cold shoulder and start the drama till I say I am sorry and try to smooth things over. It may be mind reading to think that is what is going on now.

I have tried to work on our marriage for the past year. I got no where. It wasn't till I got here and started doing things different, that I noticed a change. I am working on ME and trying to better myself. I am leaving W alone to do her thing.

My horoscope said that I should may be giving the impression that I don't care. That someone may be confused about my intentions. Said I shouldn't be saying nothing and letting everyone draw their own conclusions. I should be open and honest about my intentions. This got the wheels turning in my head of course. Is this someway of someone saying that it is time for the "Dobson Letter"? Sometimes I am not sure how to proceed. I am pretty good at doing nothing.