Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I thought everything was okay....(Part 5)

Sounds good. All successful sitches go through a phase of genuine detachment, it seems. Also, I find your sitch promising in general and have for a long time. Your W seems lost and have little ground for the S, which should hit her at some point.

As you know, these things easily take 12-24 months, so don't read too much into now and set your sights on the long term. Remember that this might just be a short window in your life where you'll be without a life partner, so find ways to make the most of it.

Yeah, I'll preface with saying that I still want to R (not with the person she's being right now) but that's my top priority. However, I'm also okay with whatever path I'm being guided down.

I kind of remember back right after the shock of BD and while the details about the sitch I could have never anticipated, a part of me 'felt' that the sitch would progress similar to what it has been. I thought it would take a week or two and she'd come back, so I was off there. The struggle is that I've known W long enough that when she sets her mind to do something, she'll usually see it through. That's my biggest concern, but that's part of what I've handed to the Higher Power.

TLEE and I discussed this Christian Rock song on his thread, I had happened to stumble upon it about a week after BD. Now since then it has hit 'mainstream' on the channel I listen to and seems to play just at the 'right' time. The song just feels like its so applicable to my sitch. Even to the point that there's no resolution in the song itself.

Casting Crowns - Broken Together
______________
What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night

Its going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever, is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
Im praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we wont give up the fight
______________

Wow, MCS, beautiful lyrics from casting Crowns. It kinda makes me tear up just reading it. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Yeah, if you want grab some Kleenex and search it on YouTube. I spent a lot of time watching it and bawling early on. The other song on that album is "House of their Dreams" you'll have the same reaction. I get comfort in knowing how we feel is not unique to us, and it's amazing folks can write songs that hit the sitch so deeply.

You're talking about her wedding vows, right?

I'm always amused by LBS who claim that their WAS is too stubborn, proud or never change her/his mind. The simple fact that they are here to write this sentence contradicts it.

Believe me, I have the same kind of thoughts. In my case, I expect that my WW has such a strong fear of rejection that she'll never dare ask for R for fear that I will reject her (which puts me in a bind since I can't pursue). Bah, what do I really know? It's not worth worrying about. Also, our mind seems to rush to the most pessimistic scenario, so it's not even realistic. Let time run its course or, as you wrote and did, hand it to a Higher Power.

Simply perfect for me tonight, Mozza. Thank you.

I see what you are saying. I was talking to my mom tonight about this very thing. My mom said that if she were to come back, she needed to be all in on the M and her changes. I said to my mom, if simply she were to say she wanted back in, I know she would do what is needed to make it work, because that's the true character of my W.

Thanks for that tidbit, it was a good point to make me look at the positives of that trait in her.

So, not much news in my front. Works been busy, so that's kept me occupied

We were supposed to have counseling (mediation) today, but WW canceled and let me know at the last minute. I Had texted her yesterday asking her a question about S5 because it seemed like he had an illness that was going around school. She didn't say or text anything to me prior to dropping them off, I just saw the symptoms when he got home and kids told me he was allergic to something. Anyway, she finally responded today, whatever.

I was going to send an email back because I rearranged my whole day to account for counseling with my pending deadline for work, so I was miffed when she cancelled, but oh well. Nothing would come out of sending her an email.

We've got a year to wait for Filing D, but I see the lawyer on May 1st. If things don't get better, I think I'm going to get S papers drafted.

So, I read top of this page about Mozza's views of my sitch. I want to clarify, I'm looking at S papers mainly because it's been 8 months and she still won't talk to me about anything. Our kid schedule is still how it first was, we struggle to make any plans of the kids becuase we limit our discussions to 30 min. A week.

I'm just getting sick of living my life day to day based on how she feels at the moment, for our R is one thing, but for the kids, finances, etc. It's different and needs some consistency.

Wife sent me an email today. Since she had cancelled last week, she said that MC is off next week and if 'I' would like to continue; to come prepared the following week to give her a proposal of a joint custody arrangement and what I want to do with the house.

Thoughts? Ideas?

My main objective if we are going to be D is to figure out a better way to communicate with the kids. Still NC with the kids when their at the other person's house. No verbal communication of plans for them, no joint discussion of what's best given the sitch, IDK. My goals are to be able to share events that we can both be there...parties, athletic activities, etc. as well as be able to call and talk to each other if there's any issues or questions with the other person.

Its been 8 months and I've only seen marginal improvement in her, her mindset, her emotional state, but the biggest issue is our communications, etc. I've thought long and hard about it and I don't want to threaten, but if I need to make decisions based on how things have been and are now, they would be different than if we could communicate about our kids. How do I get that across to her without threatening? I guess I need to do what I think is best for them.

Thanks for the update. Just a quick notes to remind you that my WW and I don't communicate at all about the kids, do not share moments, have intention of going together at events (except the big ones of course). I understand and respect that you want it another way. I can even see why. I just mention my take to remind you that there are other perspectives, that your WW is not necessarily wrong if she doesn't want to communicate much more. Make sure you don't approach this thinking she has bad intentions.