Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

Just caught up with this now. You mean about distracting yourself yeah? I have been concerned with this. But I think to some degree it is necessay. For me I forcefully detached which has allowed me enough room to (I think) really detach (at least partially that is, or enough to move on to the next step at least). It is amazing how "plastic" our brains are though. For example, when I was at the mediation I repeatedly told myself at every juncture to focus on listening to Ws comment, validate this and respond in kind, and refrain from pushing my agenda aggressively. Anyway, at some stage I stopped needing to tell myself to focus, it just came naturally. And to be honest I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed doing it, I enjoyed being able to do it, I enjoyed being a nicer person to negotiate with and I enjoyed listening to my W (even though she hates me right now).

Something my counselor told me about hate(even thought its mind reading and you don't know how she feels), but hate isn't always a bad thing. It still shows emotion, still shows there's feelings in there(not that that means much either).

People associate hate as the opposite to love when its not, its indifference that's the opposite. Just something I thought about as I was reading your post and figured I would share.

Hope the situation with mediation and your kids custody work out the best for everyone involved. The kids need you just as much her and it would be an injustice to them to have it any other way. Hopefully she can see that also.

Very true.

And anger can be depression turned inward.
It is something that might be projected onto someone else,
and is many times misinterpreted.

"Especially by Mr Bond. While I was writing I was anticipating the response "No, what you enjoyed was being in control". "

No, what I was concentrating on was your W's reaction during C. That's what you should also have been concentrating on rather than just your control issues.

Thanks Fogg - so i suspect I can even b encouraged by hate . I am hopeful that joint custody is going to work.

I suspect I had this going on as an added feedback into my lost control resentment issues.

Thanks for chiming in Mr Bond. Actually I was concentrating on her response and I have commented in another post. I am still .....in shock, by how angry she was, without any provocation. She was angry when I didn't bite. She was angry when I validated. She was angry when I conceded. Still it was preferable for all of us than me just being objectionable.

You have to understand that she is getting angry because her life is crumbling around her and you're actually listening for a change. She's getting frustrated and the angry reaction is a good thing.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Her anger shows that she's conflicted. If she acted cool with a "I don't care" attitude, then she really doesn't care.

careful MrBond - thats bordering on encouraging

thanks for the insight.

They're all encouraging. But if you're not interested in the way I put things, I'll move on to the next poster. Good luck.