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Weird.

My wife just texted me some old pictures of us, with the caption "you didn't look miserable here". I responded that I wasn't miserable then, and she then proceeded to chastise me for telling her that I was miserable for years.

For those of you following my sitch, she insists that those words are what caused her to have the affair. In reality, the reason I made the comment was because we were arguing all the time, I felt unappreciated, and I was trying to tell her that we were both unhappy and needed to change. She instead convinced herself that I didn't love her anymore and went looking elsewhere. Keep in mind that we had never fought before or had that sort of conversation.

Anyway, I validated her feelings and told her that it must have been very hurtful for her. I did not beg or grovel or even mention our marriage, other than telling her that I should have treated her better.

Her last comment was that she still has my picture in her office and hasn't told anyone about the affair or divorce because she feels like a failure. Of course, that statement is not true, as she has indeed told people at work that I was horrible and she was divorcing me.

So...how should I have handled this? Suggestions? Thoughts?

Got a lot more texts from W last night.

She said she never felt my love. I validated and told her I should have done a better job of showing it, and that keeping things inside made me bitter and pushed her away. She responded " great, now your next girlfriend will be treated like a f*cking angel".

The remainder of the conversation was about how sick she has been over the past 8 days. She said it's the sickest she's ever been and she feels horrible. Again, I validated her feelings and listened. I'm not sure why she was telling me instead of her boyfriend though. I didn't say that to her. I was upbeat, caring, but superficial.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this exchange? I know it seems trivial, but it's the first significant contact in a month.

Hmmm...seems like she is thawing a bit. She is initiating convo's with texts and talking about her feelings. That is good.

I would just say I am sorry to hear you have been sick and leave it at that.

As for her statements about not telling people in her office about the affair and romance, I would not respond to that either.

I view both of these statements as "bait". She is testing you and how you respond will give her the assurance that you still care and are there for her while she is with her other man. It would only lead to an argument if you responded anyway, right?

My suggestion would be to continue to stay as radio silent as you can be. That is the most powerful "weapon" you have in your arsenal.

She may be cycling too.

As far as the other comment she may be noticing your changes.

I agree - that no response is needed

What is cycling?

It's very hard for me not to respond when she tells me how sick she is. She is not a complainer, so when she tells me this is the sickest she has ever been, I believe her. I am a PA (physician assistant), and I have been doing it for 23 years, so it's hard not to get involved.

However, then I think about how she didn't tell me she was having surgery and had her non medical boyfriend with her, and I realize that she should be complaining to him, not me. She fired me. Why is she going on and on about how sick she is?

So confused and upset right now.

Why is she complaining to you? I can't mindread all the WASs, but my best guess is that they doesn't want anyone to think badly of them- which is partially why they sometimes try to rewrite history.

Another tactic seems to be trying to generate sympathy and tap into any guilt we might feel. That seems to be what your WAW is doing.

And, she's been used to coming to you for comfort for 17 years. That's pretty hard to give up.

Don't fall for it Kramer.

She's a big girl. Let her and her boyfriend figure it out.

She fired you remember???

I'm screwed no matter what.

If I show concern, I am pursuing and she loses respect.

If I ignore her, I am uncaring in her time of need and she loses respect.

Sigh...

Deep breath.

You don't need to rescue her even though every fiber of your being tells you to do that.

I feel the same way about my WW. It is an awful feeling but they really must get it, see it, feel it, what it means to be on their own.

They chose this path. Let them walk it. They are adults.