I decided to take Train's advice and have guys night.
Yesterday, I came home from work then went to the gym (routine for me). When I came back, I showered and told my W that I was heading out with my friend Jason for a few drinks. She didn't ask any questions and I didn't volunteer. I could tell that she was disappointed that I wouldn't be there but was trying to hide her feelings. Then all the sudden she started complaining that she had a headache. It seemed like she wanted my attention... the headache suddenly appeared right after I told her I was heading out. I was polite. I told her that I was sorry her head hurt and I hoped she felt better. When I was walking out the door, I said bye to the kids. When I looked over at my W to say bye, she look like she wanted to cry. I said bye and left.
I got home around 10:30. She was asleep on the sofa... very much unlike her. She usually stays up until midnight.
This morning she still complained of a headache when she was getting the kids ready for school. I was polite again and left for work.
It felt good to get out for the night. Uneventful evening on the home front.
I will let you know what happened to me when I was doing good DBing.
When first separated my W would call and say the kids missed me and wanted me to go to the park with them. This happened a couple times and I went when she offered. At this point in hind sight it seemed that the OM was out of the picture. I say this because she acted differently towards me, more positive and like she missed me.
The kids wanting to see me was a lie, she told me this later. She missed the family aspect in her life. I was doing good and not smothering her and being scarce, I was detached and with drawing from her so she was pursuing me.
We slowly did more things together and started what I thought was reconciliation. I dropped the ball and did not make her accountable in regards to no contact with OM.
Later in my situation, after a couple of separations, I could see when we did things together she was acting different. (This is all from hind sight and looking objectively at my situation.) She seemed more detached or like her mind was somewhere else. This is when the OM and her had started connecting again. I had my head to far up her backside to see this, I just felt that she needed to see me loving her more.
Like the advice above, use your ears more than your mouth. When we were at the park together I took these opportunities as auditioning for being a husband again. I showed her, with actions, that she would be crazy to want to leave me. It worked, I was strong and confident and independent.
I agree with doing a lunch, but not a weekend. Keep her wanting more and keep being distant and mysterious and keep up your own life.
I dropped my independence and became needy and super attached to my W and now I am D'd.
You are doing awesome and facing your fears and following excellent advice. Keep it up and dig deep for the strength to do what works, even if it feels wrong. You are much stronger than I was at this point and it looks to be getting you results.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Thank you for sharing your story. The lessons from your experience are helpful.
I feel like I am staying strong but it's hard. Since I started setting boundaries, my W has been sleeping on the sofa, bought her own phone, and started submitting numerous job application everyday. Based on her actions, it looks like she is detaching from me even more. I'd imagine that once she has a job, she will move out.
Stop mindreading...seriously. You can only control your own actions, words, and behaviors. You're doing all you can to protect yourself and the M. What W chooses to do is all on her.
trying to figure her mind out WILL drive you nuts. i am struggling incredibly with this, it causes me to miss time from work, lose focus on virtually all aspects of my life...why, because i don't know what is going to happen in my life...i don't know my future. i have no idea is she is reconnecting with me or planning on moving on. i was doing well and started feel more comfortable around her (i.e., growing more attached instead of trying to pull away).
We need to be strong and try to focus all of that energy on ourselves. we need to make sure that we are working on us. If she leaves, great we cannot make her stay. we cannot force her to love us. What can we do. we can be loving, caring individuals, fun, confident, independant. Someone that is attractive. She will notice, but don't let that stop your progress...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
We need to drop the damned rope and be able to accept that we don't have any control over her. Ultimately you control you. We have to STOP and severe her ability to control what we do and how we think. this is healthy behavior when we do not allow others to control our actions. We are not dogs. We are not children. We are full grown men who should be able to function healtily on our own.
<Zephyr stops, writes this down so he can read this to himself over and over again>
