Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W won't stop EA with OM!

Whoa! Nope. Zip it.

Sit back...observe and monitor.

I would encourage you to go to lunch with W and plan a weekend with her. This is critically important time for you and to W to work on your rebuilding.

Then use your EARS more than your mouth at lunch. Ok?

Ok... I can do that. : )

I'm just confused right now. I thought I was supposed to detach? I didn't think I should be doing things like that with her.

I'll do whatever the group thinks is best. I want to make sure I do this right.

Hey Rubi did you ever catch a squirrel or feed one?

Did you run up to it and yell and scream,
or did you hold out your hand with food and let the squirrel come to you.

Think now that your wife is the squirrel and you want to feed her a nut.

Make sense?

Good analogy Cadet... I like it : )

Whose nut are we talking about here??!!!

This is just my .02 based on my own experience. But I tried occasional dinners/cookouts with my wayward H (at my S8's request). And it did more damage than good. It prevented me from detaching and it raised my expectations. It also allowed my H to cake-eat. All that being said, he was still actively in an A. Do you have any way to verify your W has definitely ended her A?

I mean, I could see lunch as a way for you to show a new side of you. But to begin trying to piece things together when your W hasn't asked you what it would take to work on your M, hasn't given you full access to her phone (transparency) or hasn't involved you in sending (hopefully X)OM a NC letter seems like putting the cart before the horse to me.

Am I missing something? If she has given you her usernames/passwords and access to her phone, then you can "trust ... but verify" and act accordingly.

In my own case, I invited the W to occasional dinners and events. And for the ones that she did attend, I made them as enjoyable as possible. Not just for her but for the kids and myself. I walked in with no expectations (something you will have to learn if you do this) and just did it for the heck of it.

What it did to her was that it gave her a glimpse again of what family life and life with the new and improved me would be like (this is when she would still see the OM). Over time, she started lowering her walls and using my newly developed communications skills, I slowly re-established trust and intimacy with her until we were healed.

Every situation is different. You're just going to have to choose which works best in yours.

Bond,

I should clarify. I *did* use those times as opportunities to shine. But H also *did* cake-eat and then left and started texting OW. That's why, Rubi, I think attending a lunch isn't a horrible idea. A weekend getaway? Ehhhh. I think it's too soon. Unless your W has recommitted to your M and I missed it, I don't think you should be focused on rebuilding your M just yet.

But again. That's just my own opinion. Take it or leave it.

Looks like mixed advice... I'm still confused. ; )

Maybe helping me with a big picture view is best. My W claims that she ended the EA but has not directly asked about reconciling. She is showing interest in doing things with me but that has been the case throughout this whole ordeal.

What's the big picture view for me at this a point? Under what circumstances should I bring up reconciliation if she doesn't?

For example, I know my wife is getting tired of sleeping on the sofa. I usually go to bed first. When I do, the past few nights I have been setting her pillow and a blank on the sofa before I go to bed. Essentially, not giving her an option. What if she tries to get back in the bedroom but doesn't talk about reconciliation? Do I bring it up then?

So big picture plan for my actions... and how do I address the example above?

Rubi,

I think the right balance would be to go out to lunch with W and not go out on a long weekend event.

Do not bring up reconciliation because you are NOT at the piecing stage at all. Not by a long shot. Your W has to work on being completely open and transparent that she's not involved with OM any longer. That is the FIRST big hump you two need to confront together.

Forget about reconciliation for now.

As for sleeping on the sofa, it is a choice that W made. I would not allow her back in the MBR just yet because the OM isn't completely out of the picture yet. I've said before, you really need to sit back to observe, monitor and adjust.

If W attempts to get back in the MBR, you can say this:

I don't want everyone to get confused with you moving back in the MBR. It's not that simple anymore. We both have work to do in rebuilding trust and that starts with a complete transparency plan that demonstrates to me that you've cut all ties with the OM. This is a non-negotiable for me and for us.

Meanwhile continue working on being the stark contrast to the OM in your W's eyes. Be a man only a fool would leave. Smart, Confident, ans Strong.

No talk of reconciliation. Trust the moment. Trust the process.

Trust, but verify when it comes to no contact with the OM.