Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W won't stop EA with OM!

Rubi,

Just to be clear because I just read back over the last thing I posted to you and cringed for a second because of the way I worded it. Do not repeat your need for a NC letter/full transparency plan. I should have been more specific in saying that if she wants to have sex OR move back into the bedroom OR reconcile OR etc., you state what you will need (NC letter/transparency plan) and then drop it until she complies.

Restating boundaries only weakens them. Giving her chances to plough over your stated boundaries makes you look weak.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't given her the "NC/transparency talk" yet, right? Because she hasn't asked you what it will take ... ?

Don't pull that card out until she uses those words or something similar. Then only use it once.

Train,

You are correct, I have NOT yet talked to her about what it would take to reconcile... because she hasn't brought it up or done anything to indirectly reconcile (return to the bedroom, etc.)

I will follow everyone's advice. I will continue to detach, GAL, etc. if she directly discusses reconciliation or indirectly tries to reengage our M, I will have the talk (NC letter / transparency).

It's just an awkward time. I didn't expect her to end the EA without talk of reconciliation. I thought they would go hand and hand. This is a bit of a curve-ball.

Thank you!

Yea that is what happens when we have EXPECTATIONS.

Nothing here is linear and there are always twists and turns that we are not expecting!

Good deal!!! You're getting great advice, Rubi.


Starsky

Good point Cadet... NO EXPECTATIONS! It's really easy to make that mistake.

Thanks Starsky!

Rubi, have you gone out with the guys lately? Seems like this might be a great time for you to get out of the house for an evening or even a full night. Be mysterious. Look and smell like a million dollars, but don't offer your W any information about where you're going or who you'll be with. Just smile at her and tell her just before leaving that you're hanging with friends and will probably be back late (or the following day).

It may seem backwards to detach when it seems your W has taken a step toward you. But keep in mind that a lot of times WAWs will "temp check" you to see if you're still there, willing to be her Plan B. Maybe OM "broke up" with her for a night. Or maybe she truly is thinking things over. That's not yours to know right now.

I liken this part of DBing to fishing: Your W has nibbled on the line. But until she's on the hook and swimming with it, you need to keep bobbing the bait and even sometimes pulling it out of the water to check it.

You don't want to make yourself completely available to her. She needs to face the reality of what she stands to lose. And going out with the guys, feeling and looking your best, is SUCH a confidence-booster to boot.

Probably a good idea Train. I do not have many friends where we live but I have a few.

Also, she called me today at work. She rarely does that. She said she was bored. She asked if I might want to have lunch with her later this week. She also asked what I wanted to do this weekend. I was noncommittal and kept the conversation short. I could tell that I ended the call much sooner than she would have liked.

Her questions about doing things together are exactly her style... indirect reconciliation. I would have liked to had the reconciliation talk but I'm at work and it was over the phone, not face to face.

Rubi,



Time to bring you back to Earth. A lot of the WASes rarely, rarely talk about reconciliation directly. Instead they drop hints and beat about the bush. They do this because they know they've hurt you and are afraid of rejection so they test waters with YOU...the LBS...to see if you are receptive to it and would not hold the affair over their heads. Ironic, eh?

Wonka,

So, when I get home tonight should I bring it up?

Something like this... "Earlier today, you asked me about having lunch together or doing something this weekend. I decided that I'm not interested in doing those things with you at this point. If you want to reconcile our M, first we need to... (NC letter / transparency)"