She says the A is over. She insists it is. She says that she needs time to work on herself. She says she feels she lost her independence with me and she's looking to regain that. She's taking steps to do that - seeing old friends again (women) and doing her own thing. I don't feel that she's spending any time with OM - zero. I don't even think she's in contact with him.
It is one of those 'trust, but verify moments' for you.
Originally Posted By: PeterV2
I'm just waiting until after D28 gets married in July. Then I'll deliver my message: R or go.
Peter, I think you've got this a bit backwards. One cannot force a spouse to reconcile or not. However, you can state your need for transparency in no uncertain terms and give her a deadline to come to a decision. Inform her that for the M to truly heal, then it demands radical honesty from both partners.
If she's still not willing to do what it takes to heal the M and truly commit to it, then you have your answer.
I'd recommend that you copy and print the article titled "Is it reasonable to want to talk about the affair?" from Dear Peggy website and leave it for W to read at her pace.
Below are some suggestions that I've gleaned from the web on recovering from an A and requesting transparency.
Explain to your man (woman) that you need him (her) to be transparent for a certain period of time so you can start to trust him (her) again. Try saying something like: "I think we both want the same thing, which is to work through this together. It'll be really important in helping ease my fears and building trust if I'm able to check up on you from time to time. What do you think about that?"
I'm not looking to force reconciliation. All I'm saying is that there'll come a time when I state my boundaries again:
I will be with someone I can trust, who will show affection toward me and share my bed, who is willing to work through problems and is committed to our relationship. Maybe you can be that person, maybe you can't. But I won't wait forever for you to decide.
She went out to a function last night. Apparently to watch a dance competition with a girlfriend. I sent her a text to take some pics so I can see the costumes. Said she couldn't take pics - not allowed. I asked where she was staying. She replied with her girlfriend - don't worry - no men. I replied that I worry, a maybe-too-vivid imagination and trust issues. She said she'll call me in the morning. It's noon now. No call. She's apparently out dress shopping again for the wedding. Maybe she's being honest. Maybe not.
There was nothing on the internet about this dance competition - I would think an event like that would have some sort of web coverage.
I feel like confronting her on this stuff, but that's applying pressure, which I said I would refrain from.
Maybe I'll just stay out all night and not tell her where I am. But that seems like tit for tat and I don't want to really play that game.
Quote:
"I think we both want the same thing, which is to work through this together. It'll be really important in helping ease my fears and building trust if I'm able to check up on you from time to time. What do you think about that?"
I know what she'd say: I need space to find myself without you pressuring me as to my whereabouts." or "what about my fears and trust issues?" She has a way of twisting things around to her issues and sweeping mine under the rug.
Last edited by PeterV2; 04/19/1504:15 PM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Go back to the basics of DB. Do not believe a word they say only what they do. from what you have said your wife has shown you nothing to prove the affair is over or that she is willing to commit to the marriage. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder. Until you see some real change in her behaviour how can you trust a single thing she is saying?
If you really wanted to commit back to your marriage would you be staying out all night without complete transparency of where you are and who you are with? Hell you wouldn't even be staying out all night.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Peter, I was sorry to read your post. It sounds like you are in a pretty miserable place at the moment, and it reminded me of this time last year, when H said he had ended his EA, but it had become a PA and I didn't know.
I think OTU is right, and you are back to DB 101 basics. Your W isn't at the point of fully recommitting to the M and offering full transparency. That's not something you can control. But you can of course decide what is the bottom line for you. What can you live with and what can't you live with?
Take care and keep posting my friend.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Peter - I also agree with this. Sadly it puts you right in the same spot you have been in for a long time.
What can you do about it - it is your decision. Even though the decision you WANT to make isn't one of the options right now - and you cannot force it to be one of the options. So you have to pick A - move on with you life without her; or C - continue being the better person and improving yourself for yourself (this is a lonely road sometimes - isn't it?).
I know this because it is where I am too (you've seen that and commented (thank you - by the way)).
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
What boundary? I mean, she's heard them all from you and stating once more is just more of that little boy crying "wolf!"
I would suggest that you go ahead and use that last bullet in your gun: move out and get your own place.
You've done all you can and your wife refuses to step up. She minimizes you, diminishes your fears, and blows them off.
She needs ice-cold water splashed on her face. That ice cold water is you moving out. Then have zero contact with her. Go pitch black dark on her as in a true LRT.
LRT is one of the most misunderstood DBing principles. LRT is just that....last resort technique. In Michele's book, it is used when all other methods have been tried and failed.
I am going to use a small part of Michele's words on LRT (for full details, you'd need go look up pages 124-130):
In theory, it's identical to doing a 180, but you put it to use when your situation is extreme.
Peter has tried every approach to get his W to be open to him and get her feet back into the M only to be stonewalled by her with 1,345 excuses along with some spew. He's been at this for months, months, and months...nothing.
LRT coupled with going dark is the only way to convey to her that he's truly moving on with his life. No more talks, no more this-n-that, no more chit chat....just do it.
It seems that you are asking LRT as it applies to your sitch so I'll bring over your questions to your thread.
1. Wife moved out 2. Wife actively involved in affair 3. Wife refuses to end affair 4. Wife has filed for D 5. Wife has actively filed to take kid from me - (which did not happen of course)
I think I fit the criteria , don't you?
So, again, I guess i am looking for validation. Just dark? No response to her emails? No responses to her texts?
Everytime I see an email or text from her, it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
