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Hi BW.

You have to detach. Why am I saying that? Telling you to do something that may drive him away?

Anyone who has an A, and is without remorse, there can be no reconciliation. This remorse has to develop over time and the first step...

Detach. GAL. 180.

I know I need to detach, but it is so hard when we live together (he is in separate bedroom).

Even with all that is going on we have some meals and walks together with conversations about what we have going on at work, etc.

Do I detach from that as well?

Yes. Complete detachment.

I know how you feel. I live under the same roof as my W who is still in an active and open affair.

You are not alone.

But... tell us first how you plan on "Detaching".

Thanks TenBook,

Complete attachment is hard, especially when H is trying to still maintain friendship. Wants to go out and act single, but then wants my support when he needs it. I keep getting brought back into the cycle.

As far as detaching goes, I am going to lovingly pull back from my still pursuing behavior that is making my H think I will always be there. I did that this morning and he asked if I was pissed out. I said no, just tired. I then made sure to act a little more cheerful, but then eat my breakfast outside instead of at table with H.

He has said he does not want any physical contact and even hugs are hard for him now. He initiated hug before he left this morning.

Any suggestions from your end on detaching while still living together?

BW, I'm sorry you're here, sorry you're in pain.

What I am going to tell you may be pretty extreme. I can't speak for all men here. And some people might throw stones at me and say that I am the one with problems. But either way, I want you to know I understand EXACTLY how your H feels. Let me start with this one fact:

*MY WAW'S INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND MY SEXUAL NEEDS WAS WHY I FELT I COULDN'T BE MARRIED TO HER.*

I don't know how I could have made it more clear to her. I told her that while she would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever how important sex from her was to me, it was so important that if she would at least TRY it would mean so much to me. It was almost all I wanted. NOT just having sex...but for her to try to learn more about how much it meant to me, why, make me feel safe for having my needs, teaming up with me to meet them and strategizing on resisting temptation.

I couldn't reach her. I tried explaining it was like feeding the dogs. The dogs need to be fed every day. You don't stop feeding them because you don't feel like it, you've had a long day, etc. I told her I was devastated, IN ABOUT AS MUCH PAIN AS RIGHT AFTER BD, when she for whatever reasons rejected and neglected me.

Now, in the beginning I tried finding ways to reattract her, reason with her, beg/plead. I tried to see an IC. I turned to porn more and more to try to minimize my dependence on her. I tried to drown myself into hobbies so I didn't have time to feel the pain in my heart. Finally, I tried being controlling to get what I wanted, forcing her.

I cannot blame any of this on her. It was truly terrible behavior that I will stop forever.

But I will say that I would never want to be with a woman that didn't acknowledge that men are different than women, and that sex works really differently for men, which means even when they don't understand why it's impacting us the way it does, they they are dealing with powerful forces they don't understand, so as part of the M they will be on a lifelong quest to bridge that mysterious gap and maintain that as the priority level it is.

So why now I am posting this to you? This isn't some wise thread where I'm perfectly balanced and have this well thought out. This is just me STILL feeling the need to be understood, and hoping that it gives you a clue as to his point of view.


"Our sex life started out great, at least for the first few years..." You realize to him he felt awesome because he actually thought YOU UNDERSTOOD how important sex was to him and that you LOVED him enough to make him a priority. This also PROVES to him in his mind that YOU KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS BECAUSE YOU GAVE IT TO HIM!!!

"there was lack of desire on my part...no he is not really re-writting history" You will never understood how much you have hurt him. There is no emotional pain that I can compare it to.

"H believes the desire was not there because I did not love him" For you to "lack the desire" to attend to a deep emotional need of his that without leads him to feel devastated beyond expression...after you showed him (in his mind) that you showed him early on that you understood what he needed and knew how to get it to him...how else would he interpret this?

"His way of dealing with it was to just ask for more sex, which did not help" HIS WAY OF DEALING WITH IT WAS TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE. My goodness. He asked for more sex because his heart was bleeding and he felt like his life way being destroyed being stuck in a M with a woman that was starving him of the nourishment he needed to be whole. The ONLY need he couldn't take care of himself or get somewhere else. The ONLY need that important to him. And while he's bleeding, you're doing your own thing because you're not feeling it, maybe reading the occasional magazine article about it, but pretty much convinced that it is HIS fault for not making you FEEL more like being close to him, and HIS problem that it's importance is so overinflated. After all, it's not that big of a deal to YOU, so he must have problems. Maybe because the way his mommy treated him...better talk to your girlfriends and diagnose him while he falls into depression and withdraws into a shell of a man.




Back to the here and now. This seems pretty harsh, one sided, or unfair. I am not here to justify all the reasons you felt your lack of desire, nor to hear all the bad things your H did to you as time went on. I am here quite simply to give you a snapshot of how your H likely feels. Don't like this point of view? Then let your husband go and have a chance to find someone that will love him as a verb, not just as a feeling.

But maybe you can rethink how you look at this aspect of your R. My guess is that if you could somehow change this part of you there would not only be no D, there would be a happy lifelong M with a devoted H.

Zeus,

I totally get what you are saying. I guess I have a hard time with the fact that my H never truly expressed to my how much he was hurting, but I think I see your point. I should have realized on my own. I am 100% willing to work on this part of me. I am not sure how to get this across to my H. I want that physical intimacy to be a part of our M moving forward. It one of the things I am trying to better understand about myself.

Do you have suggestions on how to communicate this to my H in ways that will resonate with him or are you saying from you perspective it is a little too late?

Zues,

I just read your sitch. It actually sounds a lot like mine, but reverse roles. Very early in our M, I found porn on the computer. This devastated me. I did not understand why my H would need this other than I was not satisfying him sexually. I also did not understand the attraction as I am not like the women in those videos. So in my mind, i did not understand why my husband was attracted to me. It made me feel very inadequate from the beginning and was sure he would decide he did not want to me with me. I made the mistake of burying this hurt and never telling H. I just built up walls around me. I told him this story for the first time last weekend.

BW

Thanks for the replies BW. Yes, men/women feel very differently on these subjects. Neither is "right or wrong". But unless both sides let go of right and wrong, tries to validate that the other point of view is "true" to them, and then commits to working together to bridge that gap and be sensitive...well, it just won't work naturally.

I don't believe it's too late. I am late for work...but I will post more later.

I practice detachment everyday. I've been doing it for a month now.

My strategy is one day at a time. Some days are bad. Some days are good. But not speaking and interacting helps with detaching.

You have to determine how much you are willing to put up with. Is he going out? Do you suspect an active A?

Thanks, TenBook.

Yes, he is going out with work colleagues. Says it helps him will feeling happy and gives space to see if he misses me. He is not acting himself though. Acting like he is 30 year old intead of 41. Working out kick, tanning, etc. Stays out unti late with no communication/engagement for two days and then expects me to engage when he is willing/ his terms.

Says A ended earlier this year and nothing currently going on. says he has no reason to lie to me now as hour marriage has hit rock bottom. He says he is not Looking for that right now. Do I believe him, no sure.

I am not willing to be his backup plan or treated cruelty, which is what he is doing.