Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W won't stop EA with OM!

You continue doing WHAT WAS/IS WORKING.

Do not console her. That is the absolute biggest mistake you could make right now.

When she asks you what it would take to fix things, THEN you tell her she will need to write a no-contact letter to OM. You approve of it. You send it by mail or watch her send it by email/text. (Be sure it's actually going to him.) I can find my H's NC letter for you if that would help. Then, you insist on a full transparency plan. You get all usernames/passwords to all her accounts. Detailed cell-phone billing comes straight to you.

You do not want to skip this part, and you don't want to lose your testicular fortitude right now. Trust these words. You have ONE SHOT at this. Do it right this time.

But don't throw this out there until you know she's committed to working on your M. She hasn't come right out and told you that yet. And chances are, if you coddle and console her right now, she *won't*. She'll see you as too easy to fool.

She is attracted to your STRENGTH and resolve. You *do* see this, right?!? So be strong and resolute. Keep doing what was working until she comes right out and asks you what it will take.

Train,

Thank you for responding. I understand and agree with your advice. I consoled her a bit yesterday but I limited it for for the reasons you stated *strength*. I will continue with what I'm doing until my W brings up reconciliation.

I believe in the no contact letter and transparency. I will settle for nothing less.

The only problem... my W has always dealt with problems by avoiding them. Her family does the same thing. They all avoid conflict at all costs. My wife has almost never dealt with anything "head on". With this type of personality, I imagine she will try to reconcile indirectly by just attempting to go on as nothing ever happened. It would shock me if she actually addressed this issue directly.

What if she never discussed reconciliation and just tries to reengage our marriage like nothing ever happened? Should I stop her and be the one to bring up reconciliation... and what will need to happen?

Also, she has always valued independence. She is extremely adverse to any actions that take away her independence (such as transparency).

I know it will be a tuff pill to swallow for her but again, I will settle for nothing less than a no contact letter and transparency.

Thank you!

Hi Rubicon

I think if she really wants to reconcile, she will dig deep and do things that you may not have thought she would do. I never thought my H would cheat, but he has....people can surprise you.

Sounds as though things are going pretty well. But I agree with Train - don't console or reassure, merely validate. Have you read Wonka's validation sheet??

Keep up the good work! :-)

We ALL have issues that we bring to a M. Would she be right in assuming you can't change or modify a behavior that would make her relationship with you more satisfactory? No? Then why would you assume she can't learn to change some of her behaviors? She can. And I'd say it's likely she WILL *if* she has a reason to.

Also, keep in mind that these behaviors contributed to your first failed attempt at true reconciliation, which led to another A. It would be far easier for now to sweep things under the rug and move on in your M like nothing ever happened. But you and I both know you'd just be robbing Peter to pay Paul.

One day, Peter has to be paid.

When you ask what if your W just attempts to move back into the M like nothing ever happened, what do you mean? Like, what would that look like to you? Sleeping in the same room?

Thank you Train and Toots. Again, good advice.

I definitely don't want things to be swept under the rug. That's absolutely part of the reason why we didn't properly reconcile during her first EA.

I guess I just need help with some "what if's"...

What if she wants to start doing more things together?

What if she wants to share our bed again?

What is she tries to kiss me or be intimate?

What should my response be to these "what if's" so I continue showing her strength? What do I do so that she doesn't get the impression that we HAVE reconciled simply because she claims she ended the EA?

I know what to do if she initiates talk of reconciliation (no contact letter and transparency). I don't know what to do if she tries to sweep everything under the rug and go on like everything is fine.

I really want to get the right! Thanks everyone.

If she attempts to do any of that ^^^, simply tell her the same thing you would if she mentions reconciliation: You need a no-contact letter, approved and sent by you, and a full transparency plan. This is the bare minimum of what you will need to begin to piece your M back together.

Meanwhile, continue GAL, detaching, etc.

Rubi,

The one advice that Starsky and I worked with newbies is that they need to convey to the WAS that it is their mess to clean up when it comes to ending things with the OW/OM. They created a huge amounts of destruction in their wake and they MUST take full responsibility for their choices.

No enabling W or helping her. You've told her that you want the NC letter sent and approved by you. You've communicated what she needs to do in order for you to feel emotionally safe again in the M. She's gonna have to step up.

As for getting back to the bed, getting intimate again...I'd put the brakes on it for a while. You would want to do a search of a solution based MC that is grounded in Gottman principles.

Right now, the focus is to SEPARATE permanently all contact with the OM if he is not yet the XOM. Keep in mind that there will be fits and starts as your W attempts to end things with the OM.

This particular phase will truly test your patience, Rubi.

Hang in there....we all are here for you.

Excellent advice from Wonka and Starsky. Rubi you seem to have the resolve to do this correctly and you are getting the correct advice.

I know the consequence of sweeping it under the rug, don't do that. Fix it right this time around. Hindsight is no fun. You can do this, I am rooting for you and your M.