I have scanned some of the amazing posts on this site and have felt so amazed at some of the similarities to what I have been feeling. So many of my family and friends support me but honestly, don't really understand.
My husband left. He is not happy. ILYBNILWY This is not the first time. First time he didn't leave. I did all I could to give him space and show love. Asked if there was anyone else - no. Walking away from his beliefs and crying. This followed challenges with his Dad essentially disappearing (he left the family when H was a child) and I believe brought up many old hurts. He decided to stay and while he showed love he was changing. 2nd time he did leave. His mentor and father figure pastor had died. I got the ILYBNILWY. Not me it's him. NEver got to do things... No one else. HE had been depressed (I thought for quite some time.) We continued physical and I found out through someone I didn't know that he had been sexting and on all sorts of social media.I confronted he had attitude but admitted. I found more and more. He admitted to addiction - wanted help. Told me to protect myself and our child. I offered forgiveness and love. I then found out he had an in-person affair. I locked him out of our lives. He came around and we decided to try. He asked for threesomes. Despite my heart knowing this was not me I agreed to try to move that way. I am sexual - there is no issue with that and he admits that it is him. I believe he just can't see how to change. He's gone down a road he chose and feels hopeless to change while at the same time enjoying. He moved home after 8 months. Was at home for about a year.. I tried to forgive but the lack of trust was overwhelming. He promised open access to accounts and I never got. The more he hid the more I couldn't open up. I got angrier and angrier. Snappy. Naggy.
Blew up in January. All three times I have instigated the conversations that lead to bombs. I ask what's wrong, communicate etc. And here we are.
His activities are beginning to be known and he has made overtures to people we know. Including one lady I warned and warned tries to cause issue and hurt people. She swings and tries to break up relationships. She has made sure I know of the rumours.
I asked my H about them. He denied but admitted to having her as a FB friend (I am off all social media) and that they met up in a public place not saying why for anonymity but she had her daughter with her nothing sexual. Knowing what she's like and it not being sexual is almost worse. If she is not important in anyway then why risk the fallout with me? Why disrespect his child's mother this way?
My H that was a good strong Christian man has lied about it all in the past. Tells me nothings wrong and the next thing I know has left me. No one else then I find out online pictures, then years of sexting, webcaming, phonecalls with women and an in-person affair. The 'OW' is a liar. She is known to lie. Known to create situations and try to worm her way in. THe problem is he opened the door regardless of whether there is anything sexual. Even if we were never together again he totally disrespected me and my feelings. He agreed never to go there.
Sigh. He has been gone 3 months. He initiated sexual contact twice now. I never ask where he goes, who he's with. I know from before I went dark on social media that he was going down his road on twitter etc. After the first month or so I have refused to discuss relationship. First month or so I did the tears, the crying the why what's wong with ME??? I lost a lot of weight after our first separation and have kept it mostly off. I am bubbly and ok looking. I love intimacy with my H and yet I'm over 40 so feel old, used up and like I won't ever be intimate again. AND, I don't want anyone but H.
I don't hate him. I hate his activities and sometimes that crosses over. I don't know how to ever get past all the lies. BUT I believe God is telling me to wait. To be patient. To pray. That he will restore my husband and my marriage. I do still love my husband. I just don't know what to do.
I am meeting with a Christian mentor once a week, I have met with counsellors in the past (hubby won't tried briefly but sits angry so nothing worthwhile) and haven't found that it helps. I cannot afford counselling or help that isn't covered by my plan as finances are very tough.
I bought DB and am just about half-way through. I am working through a book called Courageous Gentleness. I am trying not to allow myself to isolate (my typical response) and trying not to let my anger and hurt over take.
I am blurting I know but there are so many nuances. I panic that he is with others. I never have been and it hurts me to the absolute core. I need a plan. I need support from people that don't see me as crazy for even contemplating that he can change. HELP!!
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much Cadet. I keep trying to remind myself that it is not hopeless. That miracles do occur. My heart aches for me and my child but also for my H. I know that should he ever 'come to' he will be devastated by the hurt he has caused. In fact, I believe that behaviour now is a combination of addiction/enjoyment and having let guilt eat him to the point of shutting down and needing in some ways to hurt me because he resents me. Does this make sense?
How does one do battle with sexual demons of another? I can't provide newness and excitement of a new relationship. He knows my body and how it works and all it's mysteries. LOL. How do you compete when over 40 if he shows up with someone who is toned and 28?
I just hurt to my core and feel like any sexual interactions he has reflects something I'm not. That they demean all that we have had.
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
I don't think you're crazy -- you love your husband -- but I do think that he has a sexual addiction, and until HE decides that he needs to get help with that (and does), I don't think there's much you can do other than protect yourself and your child. Even he told you to do that.
I am a child of an alcoholic myself, and I don't think your husband is really going to change until he "hits bottom" here, I really don't. Serial infidelity and sexual addictions are way beyond the scope of this DBing forum, and really beyond the help of us amateurs.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Starsky309. I have been in contact with sexual addiction specialists and am working through their program for spouses. I do believe that the topics here will still help me. I still need to detach, I still need to find hope in others reconciliations, I still need to hear suggestions on how to be a good person while setting boundaries. I do sometimes question whether he is an addict or if that was a convenient response when he finally got caught out but then I read the 'symptoms' and it just all fits frown My journey must just take a lot longer I'm afraid. _________________________
I would also add that a lot of my feelings and his actions parallel the situations I read about on this forum
Last edited by PureHrt; 04/17/1504:46 PM.
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
My H is not living at home and doesn't have access to my computer but I will not leave my books out for sure!
The biggest challenge I find is in appeasing and giving in to him physically. I want to show him love and I always have. However, I hit the section in DB book where it talks about doing the same thing over and over...it becomes part of the problem. Sigh. It really does mean redefining ourselves too.
Naive me....I love the physical times with my H and have always recognized that is one area where women do need to show their love for their H. If I am detaching so not doing anything for him and am not expressing my love in a physical sense how do I satisfy MY NEED to express love? Thoughts? How do I turn off my need for interactions with my H?
Thanks!
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
I will only add for now that if you DO have sexual relations with your husband, that you PLEASE use protection. Your physical health is more important to you than anything, Pure, and it certainly seems prudent and wise in your situation.
