Journaling: Well, 3 hours of support group, and it was uncomfortable. Not because of discomfort about talking, but because the stance of the group was that regardless of what I did or did not do, nothing was my fault, and that I should divorce immediately, and sue for full custody.
Given my situation, that seems like a huge rush, and a huge risk. The fact that they jumped so readily to "fire first, fire hard" makes me think I should find another group.
Advice?
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Journaling: Well, 3 hours of support group, and it was uncomfortable. Not because of discomfort about talking, but because the stance of the group was that regardless of what I did or did not do, nothing was my fault, and that I should divorce immediately, and sue for full custody.
I will rewrite what they should have said
I should PROTECT MYSELF and work on my own faults and divorce only if necessary.
A bit of advice on setting the following boundary?
Considering telling W she needs to leave, now, and that I will care for our son until her first scheduled week with him. I cannot allow her to continue to use our home as home-base for her affair, and I also cannot allow our son to have contact with OM. Additionally, that while my son will be with my parents for the move-out, I will be present because I want to know who is being let into my home.
Given the situation as I have laid it out, would it be wise to do this, or should I leave it be? She will only be in the home for another week.
Should I approach it in exactly this manner, or should I use a little more finesse?
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Journaling: Still haven't seen or heard from W or S this weekend. Expect that they will likely be back at some point today. Have not attempted to contact them. Know they were with MIL at least during the day yesterday due to a FB post.
Trying not to think about whether they were with OM, and still considering how/if to lay out the boundaries mentioned above.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Yes Sandi, that is the gist of it. I don't think I can truly prevent OM from being around him (I don't even know his full name), but I feel very disrespected that this is happening, with my home being the haven she currently comes to between encounters.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Journaling: This morning's "keep busy" activity was mowing the front lawn. Finished just in time for the rain to start.
I also have been reading NMMNG. As I have had so much time lately to reflect upon my own actions, and sometimes the lack thereof, I realized I have many traits of the "Nice Guy", including harboring "covert contracts", allowing the feelings of others to have direct bearing on my own feelings and attitudes, and not allowing for the definition and satisfaction of my own needs.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
If you have not researched the topic of boundaries, then that needs to come before you start throwing that term around loosely. Sometimes a newcomer gets in a big hurry to apply something without fully understanding how it works.
A boundary is to protect you, your son, and your personal property. It is not a method of controlling another person. You first have to realize just what you do have control over. That is an easy answer. The only one you can control in this stitch is JAS. Of course you have say over your child, however, if she moves out of your house.....she is free to introduce anyone she wishes to meet your son. You have no control over it. Unless you can show proof he is in danger, I think the law will stand behind her. Come to terms with what you cannot control.
I am a strong supporter of enforcing boundaries, and believe me, if you set it.......you better be prepared to carry through with knowing how you will enforce it. Do you know the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?
A lot of guys start crowing about their boundaries to their WW's, and just get rediculous about it. Their true intent is about controlling her, and it proves to be useless.
Take time to think about your core values, Jas. Know what it is that you must have in your personal life. What is it you can't live without, based on your core values? What are the things you will not tolerate? Then, realize that whenever your boundary is dishonored, you are the one to make the next move.
I see dozens of newcomer H's tell their WW they won't live in an open M. Okay, that's fine. But when she makes no attempt to honor that boundary he's set.........then what? So, be sure you know what you are doing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
