Haven't posted here in a long time but am a big fan of Starsky. Unfortunately the hardest thing for you right now is to realize there's *nothing* you can actively do that will change what she's going to do. Nothing.
You need to accept that, process it, surrender to it. That is the hardest part of all of this, the situation, in terms of what she does, cannot be changed by you. It's too late for that now.
If you want to reconcile, you're in a waiting game, and the only course of action that leads to reconciliation, IMO, is emotional distance and not actively trying to fix *anything* between you because that ship has sailed.
You need to focus on you, being the best man you can be, and taking your attention 100% off of her. Do not be her friend, do not be her safety net, do not engage with her at all beyond the minimum you can manage to co-parent. That's it. Get her out of the house as soon as possible, co-habitation will make things worse.
Does that sound like horrible advice? Is it scary? Are you convinced that certainly it doesn't apply to you?
That's all normal. Everyone feels like their situation is unique, and there must be some answer, some solution they just haven't discovered that is within their control. There isn't. You don't have an option that doesn't suck. You have to pick the least sucky option of all the sucky options you have and learn to accept that. The option that [censored] the least is protecting yourself by giving yourself emotional space.
Distance from her emotionally, but be happy, upbeat, successful and positive on your own. Fake it until you make it. That is quite literally all you can do, and that, my friend, is a very bitter pill to swallow.
Like probably most people here I went through this myself. I did reconcile and had another 3 years post-affair before she cheated again and I was done.
Although it's impossible for you to see at the time, this is 100% survivable no matter how it goes. I've been happier divorced than I was for years being married. I 100% believe in marriage, and I miss the feeling and comfort of "being married" but I do not miss my ex at all, and her behavior should not have been tolerated for as long as it was. At the time I couldn't see it, I thought she was the most wonderful woman ever, and that certainly I could fix this. I was wrong on both counts.
This is the value of hind sight, and unfortunately for most people, you can't absorb it until you're ready. Like the song by "The Faces" says "you have to learn, just like me, and that's the hardest way"
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I know that you are really confused right now and it seems that the advice given to you is straightforward but you still can't grasp it.
One analogy that put it into perspective for me is that your wife just fired you and you were shown the door.
Going back to work and being an exemplary employee would be seen by your ex boss as pitiful. Sending them emails telling them they should take you back? Spying on what is going on within the company? Inviting yourself to the company picnic in June?
No. None of those things.
You need detach from your wife. Just like your ex boss who may be a reference sometime later, you're not going to do or say anything stupid.
Pick yourself up, mentally separate yourself from the company, aka your W. That's Detaching.
Update your resume, get training. Go knock on doors. That's GAL.
Interacting with your ex boss assuming he may be a potential reference. That's 180.
First, I want to sincerely thank all of you for taking time out of your lives to provide advice and support. I appreciate it more than you know.
Starsky, you asked me who pays for her cell phone. I pay all the bills and everything is in my name. I work and my wife takes care of the kids and goes to school. All of our income comes from my work. We have always maintained a joint bank account, nothing separate. The money has always been "ours", again nothing separate.
In an earlier post I said that I was "ignoring" the A. Although it does not say that in DR, that was my interpretation of what I should do. Since my wife refuses to end the A, I thought any action of mine regarding the A would be seen as pressuring/pursuing and ultimately move her closer to the OM. I thought I was supposed to back away and focus on me, not the affair. I guess I interpreted that wrong.
I like the idea of setting boundaries but I have some questions:
What if she refuses my request to stop calling/texting in the house?
When she calls/texts now, it's been a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. It's the white elephant I the room that we don't talk about. What if she continues the calls/texts after agreeing to my request? What if I ask her and she lies about it? The only way for me to catch her would be to check the phone records. I thought I wasn't supposed to do that?
Should I skip the request entirely and cut-off her cell phone service?
What if she questions the idea of boundaries... "It's ok for me to have an A outside the house but not inside the house?"
What other boundaries should I set?
Also, based on everyone's advice, I definitely will not contact the OM : )
Again, thank you all. Starsky, I appreciate your experience and advice!
You are correct -- she's unlikely to agree to anything that would diminish her enjoyment of her EA. The "what should I do about A and what should I do about B" is a distraction that keeps you busy and prevents you from having to make the bold moves that Starsky and I are advocating.
You can easily convince yourself that this advice is ridiculous, overblown, not necessary in your case, etc etc but in reality you're feeling that it's too scary. Sit with that for a while -- analyze the fear. Look at it from different angles and understand it. What are you afraid of and why? Your fear holds you back and must be dealt with.
Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?
When you no longer care if you do or not.
That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.
You are micro-focused in your questions above -- you need a big picture view.
Your very best chance of turning this around is as follows:
-- Do not do anything to support or enable her affair -- Do not tolerate having it go on before you, kick the elephant out of the room. Don't be punishing about it, just remove yourself from situations where you are being disrespected -- Move out or move her out. Do NOT co-habitate with a cheater. It's TOO HARD to save your marriage effectively in that context -- Talk to a lawyer immediately, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Begin accepting that you have to completely let her go in order to get her back -- Tell her you will not support her if you are no longer acting as a married couple and that you expect her to find work to pay for her cell phone and anything else she needs. -- Begin seeking alternate child care now so your wife can work
Is this harsh? Does it seem crazy? Is it like stepping off a cliff? I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You're right, I am afraid. Mostly, I'm afraid of the impact this will have on my D6 and D5. They are such happy, loving, intelligent, little girls. We have always given them a wonderful home and kept our issues hidden from them.
Today, I'm going to think about my fear and the big picture view. I want to begin the B conversation with my W asap. Having a good grasp on these ideas will help me with the talk.
I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.
Acc
This is near-100% what people report from their situations. I could even dig up some old threads if you'd like where we all openly talked about it. Nearly everyone agreed that they wished they would have drawn much stronger boundaries, early.
-- Tell her you will not support her if you are no longer acting as a married couple and that you expect her to find work to pay for her cell phone and anything else she needs.
-- Begin seeking alternate child care now so your wife can work
I would start with these ^^^. Start making a list of your family's finances, and what you're willing to continue to contribute to and what you're not. Absolute Item #1 needs to be her cellphone. Cut it off, and then calmly tell her that you did, and why you did it (see above). If she's like my wife was, she'll have her own within 3-5 hours anyway, but that's okay -- BGPs (Big Girl Panties -- she needs to start putting hers on).
Start becoming comfortable with the phrasing "I have decided that _______." As in "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to financially support your affair. This morning I shut your cellphone service off, so you'll need to get your own, in your name." or "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
I understand your fear -- I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. My kids were older than yours (then 21, 18, 14 and 11), but I get it. I would tell you that your daughters are the very reason why you need to take a strong, honorable, principled stand here. What advice would you give one of THEM if she came to you 30 years from now, in the exact same situation you're facing now?
I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.
Acc
This is near-100% what people report from their situations. I could even dig up some old threads if you'd like where we all openly talked about it. Nearly everyone agreed that they wished they would have drawn much stronger boundaries, early.
Starsky
I totally agree with this, I just want to add that it is NEVER too late to start.
And people are going to do what they feel comfortable with, they don't change until the Pain of changing is less than the Pain of staying the same.
