Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting Stronger

Question to Board

How do I handle birthday's, Mothers Day, and special occassions?

Do I get a card or just get a card and have the children sign it to acknowledge the day.

Akward

Heavy,

When celebrating their mother's BD, Mother's Day, etc, one idea is to have the kids make homemade cards and get something special for their mom.

One project I did for Ms. Wonka after she moved out was making a pawprint of our dog and cat in a clay mold that had rocks outlining the border along with a card that had their "pawinatures" inside it to give to her for Christmas or birthday. Ms. Wonka was very touched and appreciative of this gesture.

Make it all about the kids and from the kids.

So let me get this straight

We are in D process, she has moved out, she is with OW as often as she can be, and yet I am supposed to be polite and cordial, don't avoid her, but don't seek her out.

Now when she calls, I am more pleasant, not up to making chit chat yet. I talk her time with the kids - "I know you are going to have a good time, have fun" etc..

I have no reaction from her re: legal situation. She won't respond to the l letters. It appears we will go to court to resolve the financial issue.

I have read that my WW will have to destroy this realtionship in order for her to get to the state she wants to be in (whatever that is). So I just protect myself legally and let the rest just roll off my back. I am not friends with her and can't do family things with her right now, it's best that we just see each other as infrequently as possible. It makes it less painful for me as I continue to work on emotional detachment.

Wow - I think I am really getting the idea behind this DB. It is about detaching, dropping the rope, and not letting her influence or control or even to get me to react to her decisions.

It is another tough concept to accept that divorce is ineveitable but may not be the end of our relationship. Hmmm.... How that will play out remains to be seen. Do I even want someone back who has treated my with such disrespect and lied to and betrayed me over and over again.... I guess that boils down to self respect. That is something I am building up and I am realizing that it is there. People treat me how I allow them to treat me, period.

GAL activities for the weekend - major yard work, major house cleaning, major laundry. I need to put some fun in there too. I will work on that.

Thanks for leting me vent DB

One last thought

I have been told that the AP is not the reason for the D but is a symptom of the failure of our marriage. Does it make it easier for WW to leave when they have someone lined up already? Is that what they tell themselves to make it easier? It does not make sense that ourmariage collapsed as soon as AP was on the scene.

Is this spart of the script?

I guess it doesn't really matter but it still bugs me.

I have to think that OP provided the catalyst for action on their parts. I am in agreement with the notion that our spouses had harbored some degree of resentment for a period of time, and that our behaviors were partially responsible. However, the appearance of OP propelled them to action, and not in a sensible fashion. They are all emotion and doing everything in their power to justify their actions at this point.

My wife was never one to not speak her mind, and until the day I discovered her affair, she NEVER mentioned divorce, separation, or irreconcilable differences. Since that day, she tells me and everyone else that she has miserable for years. It's all script!

Kramer

Same experience, never mentioned divorce, separation or irreconciable differences, NEVER. Yet, she has been in this "prison" for the duration of our marriage. WTH?

I know this is a lie but come on! My guess is too that it provides justification. Not that they needed justification, but maybe made it easier.

Jeez

Heavy,

We are in D process, she has moved out, she is with OW as often as she can be, and yet I am supposed to be polite and cordial, don't avoid her, but don't seek her out.

What's the alternative? Be a jerk?! Nah. Be the person that you want to be and your kids are watching & learning.

Now when she calls, I am more pleasant, not up to making chit chat yet. I talk her time with the kids - "I know you are going to have a good time, have fun" etc..

Yes, that's the way to go. Pleasant and cordial. That is a very good starting point.

I have no reaction from her re: legal situation. She won't respond to the l letters. It appears we will go to court to resolve the financial issue.

That's mindreading. You just don't know why W hasn't responded to your L's letters. It's in your favor actually.

I have read that my WW will have to destroy this realtionship in order for her to get to the state she wants to be in (whatever that is).

Again, you're mindreading. W isn't out to destroy the R. She simply wants out for now. That can change down the road which is why you must work on being the contrast to the AP by being upbeat, light, breezy, and slap on that smile when you interact with W. That's called "re-attracting" your spouse.

It is another tough concept to accept that divorce is ineveitable but may not be the end of our relationship.

Have you not learned anything here in DB-land? A D isn't always a given just because someone files some paperwork. We have had many, many success stories when things really looked truly bleak only to be pulled out at the 11th hour....literally.

I have been told that the AP is not the reason for the D but is a symptom of the failure of our marriage. Does it make it easier for WW to leave when they have someone lined up already? Is that what they tell themselves to make it easier? It does not make sense that ourmariage collapsed as soon as AP was on the scene.

Is this spart of the script?

For many WASes, they're already at the vulnerable position and once they open up to another party outside of the marriage....their attention is to that person instead of their spouses. The OW/OM is just there for the taking. That is how it was with my own OW...just available. Which is why we talk about "affairing down" a lot around here because oftentimes they're just as broken as the WAS is.

The more the affair goes on, the more the true self of the affair partner comes out in play which breaks the rose-colored glasses that the WASes wear when viewing the AP. It's at that stage when fights start happening and conflict arises. When WASes reaches that particular stage, it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL that the LBS acts positive, breezy, upbeat, and fun because it is attractive.

This is where the comparison begins in the WAS' mind: gee, my spouse is cool...I enjoy being around him/her. Then the OP fights against the WAS ...some even try to issue ultimatums such as "me or your wife/husband."

Which is why Cadet is spot on with 'the gift of time' comment....use it wisely to focus on YOU and self-improvement.

I think it is all justification - and if they find the angle that gets you and reels you in, that is the one that they will use over and over.

For me it was the "you pushed me into having an affair because you didn't trust me" and "you pushed me into having an affair because you didn't like how much I was working" (and then tell everyone that is the problem we are having).

I have opened my eyes about these statements and they are to justify things - they may actually believe these things and convince others of it, but does it really matter?

AS always - thanks for the insightful comments.

A smile will be plastered with glue if necessary. Cheerful, light and upbeat it will be. Honestly though, I don't get the chance to see her - we just talk on the phone - briefly for the kids.

As for D process, I have no choice but to comply. It becomes harder as the process drags onwards. It's all about splitting money and kids and that's just not a fun prospect to deal with. I have no idea how it will turn out, hope for the best!

Thanks for the pep talk, I needed it.

TGIF

Thanks U Turn - thanks for taking the time to comment.

I have certainly heard the "script" over and over and over. Barf.

Ultimately, no it really does not matter.

I will follow up on your thread now to catch up on your sitch.