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Bump for how to tell kids?

I have not read your sitch yet but I will start. In the mean time, my gut reply is act normal and you do not necessarily have to say anything. My kids are 3 and 5 and my W and I have been S living apart since last June. The kids never really said anything. They really do not have a sense of what is normal and abnormal yet.

Thanks pilot. I think for now it'll be best to say nothing. I want to limit my interaction with W at this time. She said she needed space, so, I'm giving it to her.

Still questioning whether I did the right thing or not. She just sent some pictures of the kids via text. I responded "Thank you for this, I really appreciate it," to which she replied "of course. I'll send you some short videos after too."

She has been very kind and sweet about this whole thing. There are times when I still see the love in her eyes and times where there is only emptiness. The pursue-distance dynamic is making a lot more sense. I've shown a lot of restraint lately, after my initial backslides. I've just got to keep it up.

Looks like our lives and stats are similar.

Ok, just caught up on your thread. I have read a ton of threads very similar to yours and they all had one thing in common. Infidelity. Now I am not trying to just throw that out there at you blindly or trying to upset you or anything negative. Remember, just because you cannot find proof, doesnt mean it is not there. It just seems your W is distant with you one moment, then has second thoughts the next. She is not emotionally all there for you...but does not want to let you go just yet either. Plan A and Plan B. It is great you and your W seemed to reconnect some after your BD, but looking back does it not seem more like cake eating to you? She wants that friendship, and she wants that security your M offered. But she also seems to want something else and is not sharing any details of what that is.

I really do not have much to offer right now other than maybe treat this as if there was another person. As Starsky said, it changes the dynamics.

Our couselor insisted we tell our 4 year old the truth that mom a and daddy were living apart. We had been telling him I was at work when he asked.

I guess it all depends on the relationship you have with your spouse and the kids. In my situation, my W and I have even to this day, never argued or yelled at each other. We are very civil and even friendly so the kids have never seen any problems between mommy and daddy. We have been living apart for almost a year. My kids do every now and then ask questions. My 5 asked me the other day if mommy was my friend. My 3 will always refer to mommydaddy house instead of mommy's house or daddy's house.

It was just our decision to not say anything at this point. My thinking in the beginning was if we reconciled there was really no need to have the kids know. Of course, we were able to transition the kids into our separation since it began in the summer and the kids would go between grandparents, so it was kind of like a fun vacation for them.

Just do what you feel is right with your kids. Do that and you cant go wrong

Thanks Pilot and 1976.

As for the kids, this is so new and I think there is a chance for reconciliation, I would rather not tell them at this point. I think W is just trying to find a way to see me and using the kids as an excuse. I could be wrong, and I've been wrong about so much. If she wants to tell them, I'll let her do all the talking.

As for infidelity, I've already prepared myself for that bomb to drop. My heart says no, but my gut says yes. I trust my gut a lot more than my heart. That's why I immediately took Sandi's advice in her WW thread. I even made a word document of most of her comments and have read and re-read it several times to just reenforce what she has stated. I think today I'm going to read it aloud to reenforce it further.

Although I prefer MWD's DBing, I think Homer's book, minus the dating part, actually helps explain the DBing concept better than the DR book. It helped me understand the dynamics a lot better. It actually helped me understand the 37 rules better.

Wife sent more pictures of the kids and said that if we did one thing right, it was the kids. I agreed and said thank you for the pics and left it at that. It's hard being away from the kids so much. After reading your thread, I know you know what I'm talking about. I'm still detaching and it is indeed a roller coaster. I'll feel completely detached and then 10 minutes later, I'll catch myself thinking about her. I've still held strong and have not iniated any contact.

OK, another Q.

Although W, will be staying at parent's house while I am home. She will be attending Kids events. She will drive separately.

I plan to wear some of my new clothes and look my best. At the last soccer game, she would "scooch" close to me and I would inch away. At one point she reached for my hand to hold. I brushed her off. Eventually, I let her sit close to me and patted her leg.

That night she kissed me before going to bed, and lingered awhile before doing so. The next morning, she kissed D and S and then patted me on the cheek. Later that evening, I told her I preferred the kisses and not the pats. (this was before reading Sandi's thread). I think she's just manipulating. But she says sometimes I'm attracted to you and other times I'm not.

I'm wondering if I should be really nice and outgoing showing confidence and talking to other parents and just sit at the opposite side of the gymnasium or just sit next to her. I think one of things that got her attracted to me at the last soccer game is that I was talking to her Dad's bosses W and cracking jokes and we were both laughing about the kids. I think W was a little jealous. Also, we know most of the parents and I think she may have been just trying to not let it be known that we're struggling.

I suspect W is in an A based on the script I've received from her, but she swears that there is no one else. I don't want to press the issue, and I can find no proof of the affair. I suspect it may be someone at work, but really not sure.

Anyone have any tips on getting a confession? Or is it just best to wait it out until it comes out of her? I've done some digging but no results. (No transparency at this time)

Okay, first off you're going to have to learn that you can't FORCE or TRICK someone into admitting something they don't want to admit.

You are going to have to get rid of that notion right off the bat. You can't control the actions of another. Have you read DB or DR?