Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

Hey Pyrite, I read your post this morning but had to work all day and then had kid time tonight, this was my first chance to get back to you. I really want to share a model that I think will help you out.

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

CONCLUSION-

So, the funny part about all of this is that SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. She thinks you didn't play the cards she needed to feel happy. She excuses all of her poor behavior as the "natural" reaction to being treated so poorly from you. She thinks what you did is far worse. This extends all the way to the "cheating". In her mind she would've never cheated had you not emotionally abused her for years, and it was only because of your actions that she was forced to take refuge in someone else to preserve herself. Then she remembered what a 10 felt like and decided that you were just an Ahole that played 1s-3s, and she can't have that in her life, and she found someone that plays 10s, so see ya later.

Now you're not playing the game anymore. There's no more interaction. SO YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF BEING DISAPPOINTED OR RESENTFUL. You start to find it easier to act like a fine and upstanding citizen. This further proves to you that it must've been her driving you crazy. WRONG. It's easier to conduct yourself well on your own. You're not better! If you were in a relationship again tomorrow you'd be back on the downward spiral again, and you'd be dropping 2's and A's on people in a controlling way until they left you as well. Why? Because you haven't learned another way yet!

For you to judge her on the cards she was playing and excuse your cards because they were the only possible reaction is not going to get you anywhere.

Step one is acknowledging the truths above, taking ownership for your behavior REGARDLESS of the context, and deciding what type of man you want to be. Step two is forgiving her for the cards she's played because now you see how she's done nothing you haven't also done. Step three is learning how to take responsibility for your own happiness so you don't resent your future partner for not being able to chemically maintain euphoria in your life. And step four is learning coping mechanisms so that you are able to maintain responses between 5-10 even when you feel hurt, threatened, or rejected.

When you reach that point where you can be truly ok without a woman's love to make you feel ok, then you can be free to choose to respond lovingly much more often. Oh, and that cheater that just dumped you? Maybe if you had the strength before to treat her differently she would've responded differently. That's the whole DB/DR idea- control your half of the dance and you'd be surprised at what you see in exchange. Of course, it will never be all 10s, that's why you have to grow a bit first. And if you do, people will take notice and you'll be ready for a truly successful M. Who knows...maybe she'll even notice...maybe she'll learn these things on her own after her fling dies down...you can't control that, but if YOU can't learn it how can you expect her to? I say lead by example and act with the character you wish she was utilizing. Maybe if you become the spiritual leader and walk this path she'll notice, and maybe follow suit. If not, you'll know you did your best to save the M, and more importantly you'll need an M to make you happy LESS, and be prepared to have a happy M MORE.

Make sense???

I was giving thought to why the numbers fall with time. Another thing I thought of was that in the beginning it makes US feel good to do loving things for our partner. After we win them over it doesn't make us feel as good because we already have their love, we already expect their loving responses. So we just don't feel like doing quite as much.

If we feel we're being expected to continue to act the way we originally did it's easy to feel like "I don't feel like doing that anymore, I don't want to act my way through a marriage, this is who I am, if you loved me you'd be happy with me for who I am".

Of course these feelings are on both sides.

Man, I really hope my last post gets some conversation. It's like I see it everywhere now. People talking about how they want better than their ex, how their ex treated them, etc.

There is some truth to that...but just like life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it, I believe M is 10% who you're with, and 90% how you manage that M...

You're right Zues. But our WAS's aren't interested in managing a new M. They just want out.

That's what they want today. Their feelings have changed before from committed to the M to not. Who knows if they change back? The point is that if we do things differently then they might. And if not, we've done what we can.

As for the idea that an affair is a deal breaker- maybe it is. Maybe our behavior was already a deal breaker for them too.

Zeus, I saw your post on my thread and your reference to your model. I think that is a great analogy. And it does really help. And after a while- you do become complacent, love and unconditional support is just expected in a m. When I opened my eyes to this, it became clearer what I needed to do.

Pyrite, we all have these feelings in the early days. For someone who has depression you are doing great. I've got post natal depression so it hit me like my world ended. After a week or so of wallowing- I went to my Drs office and arrange to see an IC and go on antidepressants. I read DB and DR and worked out what I needed to do. My h is in an EA- not gonna lie I get angry. Sometimes I resent him for what he has done to me and that I'm left holding baby. All this does is hurt me. The beauty of DB-ing is that we do a lot of self growth. We work on us for a change because while they're in their little bubble- words mean nothing to them. It is satisfying when you start to feel the changes in yourself and start to love yourself that bit more. Even more so when your roles seem to reverse and they see you happy. My h actually asked me if this situation was bothering me anymore.
You need to become the best you you can be. And we will be happy with or without them. It's hard to believe, I struggle myself at times.

Z - love you too man. You speak to me. Love your model. Get back to soon as I can. Busy for a bit.
Py.

Just want to jump in here and say that i like your card game analogy zues. it makes a lot of sense

we need to take the approach of trying for high cards and say to ourselves NEVER lower than a 5. the cards we play are the cards we play - if we arent happy with the card our spouse play then we have to talk to them, we shouldnt start playing lower cards.

at least thats how i read it.

Hey Jim,

still have some replies to catch up on but your post sorta sums it up, or at least points to my "frustration". maybe both here as well as in the M. Ya see (in terms of Z'a model) - I was playing high cards. My W started playing low cards, below 5 even. i DID speak up. persistently. She agreed, but nothing really changed. Still the low cards. My cards got lower as well. I spoke up again. On all fronts I got shutdown. I am happy to provide details if anyone wants. I got seriously depressed. Several months later I recovered, but only onto a plateau from where I played mostly 1-5 cards. And then obsessively made her played card (or my perception of it) the motivation for my next play. I would punish her with a 1 if she gave me a 4 etc.

Weeks ago Zeus posted about ego driven resentment. This is what happened. But largely she had been ALMOST immune to this "condition". In part at least because she had mostly always played relatively high cards.

Now - I can anticipate criticism here. And with all due respect, there may not EVER be justification for returning with a 1 or 2, but I am human. I wish that I had've been stronger and been able to respond with higher cards for longer regardless of what I was given. That is all I can fix. I can't change what happened and I dont expect NOR want to aim for just dealing out high cards no matter what.

I DO want to learn greater tolerance etc. I know that if I had've persevered, or been able to, remain calm and happy for what I have rather than resent what I dont, then things would probably be different now. The most toxic element of this is that it just spiralled out of control. Once I started making her responsible for my happiness it just got worse and worse. And my ego drove it, so it was coming from a hard front as well.

Thanks Py. Yes, it's an interesting way to reflect. I'm curious about what your W would say if she had written this.

That's neither here nor there. What is? For one, I thinks it's time you write out what your 1 and 2 types of behaviors were. You still haven't spelled it out. I think it's important that you do.

I used porn throughout my M.
I pressured my W to do things sexually she didn't want to, at times she didn't want to.
I punished her with the cold shoulder when I didn't approve of her behavior.

It stinks to write but it is true. I could go on about how rejected or neglected I felt, how terribly I felt she treated me, etc...but that doesn't matter for this step. What's important is that I admit exactly what my destructive behavior looks like and commit to extracting that from my deck. PERIOD.

There's more but I think that's a good start. The bad news is that there's no way to play the game that guarantees you'll get what you want in your next R. Just the same that DB doesn't guarantee we'll save the M. It's very hard for us perfectionists and control freaks, but we really can't control other people. I say that because I can hear you thinking "Well, if she wasn't treating me well, what COULD I have done?!?!?"

And the answer is not much. You MUST continue to treat her lovingly to be the man you want to be for YOU. And you can do MANY things in terms of DBing (doing what works, trying new approaches, etc.). But the reality is that almost all M's work because at some point people appreciate what they have, not because they get just what they want. So there's probably nothing you could've done to get her to treat you the way you wanted. The same will hold to your next R. Do you want to surf through M's looking for the dream woman? Abuse the *(&#* out of her trying to force her to be the person you want to be? Or just suffer a bit at times, but choose to appreciate her and have someone to hold hands with in your old age? Sorry, life's tough, that's kind of how it works.

So- what DID you do? And are you prepared for a disappointing M or is your strategy still to hope your next W just happens to be perfect?

To lighten this up let me share the joke my sister told me today at our Easter:

P1. "Knock Knock."
P2. "Who's there?"
P1. "Control Freak- Now I need you to say 'control freak who?'"...